by Larry James, Relationship Coach
1. Become a couple with unwavering commitment to doing whatever it takes to make your overall relationship work. Remember, problems always show up in the bedroom. If you want great sex, never deny your partner the attention necessary to let them know they are loved, appreciated and respected. Relationships are something that must be worked on ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed.
2. Have a passion for life's sexual journey and for the processes required to go from boring to bliss in the bedroom. Be creative with your passion. Direct it toward your partner. Nurture it. Enjoy and revel in it.
3. Become dedicated to mutual pleasure for both you and your love partner. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you!
4. Learn to be intentionally spontaneous and open for the opportunity to make love when it presents itself; during a lunch break, in the back seat of your car or by arousing your partner from a deep sleep in the middle of the night.
5. Perfect the ability to communicate openly and honestly your most secret sexual desires and needs. Be responsible for your own sexual pleasure by asking for what you need or taking care of yourself.
6. Be willing to be a student of great sex; read about it, study it, practice it.
7. Be mature enough to exercise the discipline to stay in the moment when being sexually intimate. Never allow the cares of the day to distract you. Focus on giving pleasure to each other.
8. Be daring. . . experiment. Do things differently, try new positions, new places, love toys and more, in agreement with both partners, of course. Variety is the spice of a healthy sexual relationship. Be creative! To always make love the same old way is, in a word, BORING!!
9. Pay attention to personal hygiene. The first rule of making love is to present a body that is tastefully clean!
10. Cultivate the generosity to consider your love partner's pleasure before your own, or the esprit de corps to decide whether you or your partner goes first or whether you reach orgasm together.
11. Have the keenness of mind to recognize the value of making love vs. only having sex. A "quickie" now and then is okay, however to only and always depend upon quickies for your sexual gratification is a form of "taking your partner for granted" and can only lead to resentment. Make time for the time that is needed to "make love."
12. Synthesize the gusto to be energetic when making love and aware of the sensitivity it takes to passionately lay motionless together after engaging in sex. Enjoy foreplay, engagement and afterglow.
13. Be courageous enough to not always take yourselves so seriously; to laugh, to play and be playful and to experience whatever is sexually exciting and enjoyable.
14. Learn to negotiate win/win agreements and promises about how you will mutually care for your partner's needs in the sexual arena.
15. Ask for the variety of pleasure you want and deserve. However, to force or coerce your partner to do something they do not want to do breeds discontent and is highly disrespectful. In this scenario, always take "No!" for the answer. Never be afraid to ask for what you want and always demonstrate the respect to honor your lover's right to say no without consequence.
Showing posts with label Pleasure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pleasure. Show all posts
Friday, December 12, 2008
15 Hot Ideas for Phenomenal Physical Intimacy!
Friday, September 12, 2008
What is Love? Part 3 - Love, Pleasure or Affirmation ?
Needing Others for Pleasure
Let us examine how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love.
We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even her beauty.
Yet, if she stops providing these things for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge?
The condition here is that "I love as long as you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings change." It is conditional love.
Needing Others for Affirmation
We may also depend on someone for affirmation. This may take various forms.
1. We are affirmed when others obey us. "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love and unity with you."
This becomes a problem for parents when their children move into adolescence. This can also occur between spouses. In many countries a wife might be suppressed at first, and thus, the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and can become angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed where the woman controls and feels affirmed.
2. We also feel affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or between the "savior" and the "needy."
In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of codependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed".
In such a case, we need to give, offer, and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self-image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for ourselves and not for the others.
That does not negate the fact that others may actually need us, or that we also simultaneously have feelings of altruistic love. We are often motivated by two or three motives simultaneously
3. A third aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love" those "who affirm our rightness", either verbally by telling us we are right, or simply by belonging to the same social, political, religious or spiritual group and thus embrace a similar belief system.
"I love you because you agree with me, you are like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps no.
A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or "falling in love". In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction between two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation often has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation.
This intensity of these feelings usually only last 6 months to a year. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict and / or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship suffers.
Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth.
In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need.
When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution.
Let us examine how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love.
We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even her beauty.
Yet, if she stops providing these things for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge?
The condition here is that "I love as long as you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings change." It is conditional love.
Needing Others for Affirmation
We may also depend on someone for affirmation. This may take various forms.
1. We are affirmed when others obey us. "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love and unity with you."
This becomes a problem for parents when their children move into adolescence. This can also occur between spouses. In many countries a wife might be suppressed at first, and thus, the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and can become angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed where the woman controls and feels affirmed.
2. We also feel affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or between the "savior" and the "needy."
In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of codependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed".
In such a case, we need to give, offer, and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self-image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for ourselves and not for the others.
That does not negate the fact that others may actually need us, or that we also simultaneously have feelings of altruistic love. We are often motivated by two or three motives simultaneously
3. A third aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love" those "who affirm our rightness", either verbally by telling us we are right, or simply by belonging to the same social, political, religious or spiritual group and thus embrace a similar belief system.
"I love you because you agree with me, you are like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps no.
A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or "falling in love". In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction between two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation often has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation.
This intensity of these feelings usually only last 6 months to a year. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict and / or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship suffers.
Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth.
In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need.
When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution.
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