Free Seminar: How to Heal from a Breakup - November 20, 2014

How to Heal the Three Breakup Mistakes That Cause Suffering, Steal Joy and Prevent Future love

Most of us have experienced a breakup at some point in our lives. Sometimes that breakup was our decision and sometimes not. For those of us who have had a breakup that we haven't quite healed from, this free online seminar may be something you want to check out.

I am not in partnership with the company putting on this seminar (Evolving Wisdom), nor have I attended one of their seminar in the past. I received an email and I liked some of the ideas they had, and I figured it's free, so nothing to lose.  If it sucks, well, you can just turn it off.

If you want to sign up, here is the link, if you want to know more about it, check out the information below.


Here are some of the details:
There are few things in life that are as devastating as going through the painful breakup of a relationship. If you’ve been there—or are there now—you know what I’m talking about. Those long, restless nights not knowing how you’ll get through it . . . going over the relationship (and especially the breakup) in your mind again and again, wondering if you could have done something different that might have made it last, or at least not end so badly. I can imagine how you probably feel when a well-intentioned friend tells you that you just need time, and that you’ll get over it eventually. It can make you want to break something. Or break down crying. Bitter endings to love relationships can ravage every aspect of your life. It can often feel like your whole world has shattered, and you’re not even sure where all the pieces are to try to put it back together. So you try not to think about it. You try to put it behind you and move on with your life . . . but just moving on doesn’t really work. The good news is, there is a way to put the pieces together again, and the conscious completion of a relationship—even one that ended decades ago—can liberate you beyond the patterns of your past, heal potential toxic residue, and catalyze a journey of healing and transformation. Read more

The Art of Relating: The Quick Start Guide

By Judy Kinney, Lesbian Life Coach

Consider these five perspectives the foundation for your relationships. This is all about you. As you strengthen your relationship with yourself via these guidelines, your ability to listen, communicate, and connect will deepen and expand.

Adopting these perspectives can bring an immediate shift in your relationships and you can apply these perspectives for the rest of your life!

Enjoy, have fun, be curious. Be love.

First
Your most important relationship is with yourself.
To fully nurture your relationship with yourself and others, I believe it is essential to understand and hone your sense of sovereignty. ALL of your relationships can challenge and deepen your sense of sovereignty which, at its core, is about accepting responsibility for your life.

You are solely responsible for creating and enjoying your life.

Sovereignty isn't about isolation, narcissism or a prompt to tug on your bootstraps. Of course you will join and partner with others. Yes, give and receive love thoughtfully. Be as close and intimate with others as feels true and genuine to your heart.

Just don't look for anyone else to fill a void or make things better for you.

Let's bring this concept of relating first to yourself home. Imagine being your own partner.

• Are you pleased with the love, attention and care you give to this relationship with yourself?
• What adjustments can you make to that will allow you to smile proudly when you answer that question?

NOTE: Any "yeah, buts" that your mind generates right now are lies. P.E.R.I.O.D.

Now, think of yourself with others,

• Do you set you aside so that you can have your relationships with others?
• How does this take its toll on you?

How does this take a toll on your relationships?

Enjoying a sovereign relationship with yourself allows you to see when, where and how you want to connect with others while centered in love, creativity, and integrity.

I know that you understand the logic of loving yourself. Your evolving answers to this question become your guide as you move from concept to reality.

What would a completely healed, positive relationship with myself look and feel like?

Second
Love is the glue, the lube, and the glitter on top.

Your perspective creates your reality. Your relationships will be grounded or distorted to the degree that you are viewing your connection from love's vantage point. Your anger, fear and frustration can point you in the direction of love, but are not trusted filters from which to engage with others.

Give yourself permission to step away from a situation, reconnect with yourself and your sense of love. Then revisit the conflict and discussion with the person in your life.

Third
Vulnerability is the new courage.
Readily sharing more of you with the world and with others is a natural outcome of your sense of sovereignty. When you've made a commitment to being yourself in all situations, it becomes easier to also share what others may consider weaknesses. For example, saying I was wrong, I really care about you, or I don't know. Welcoming others' vulnerability is the flip side of sharing your own and deepens your relationship.

I LOVE Dan Pallotta's article, Misfit Entrepreneurs. Don't misjudge the title and topic. An entrepreneur's willingness to be a fool for a divine purpose as Dan describes it, has applications to our relationships.

"To embrace the misfit in oneself is to be vulnerable. It is to forsake the easy acceptance that comes with fitting in and to instead be fortified by a kind of love, really. A love of life, a love of wonder, and, ultimately, a sustaining love for oneself. Far from egoism, that love for oneself is a measure of one's love for others, for humanity. And it is only from love that great ideas can be born."

What if you brought this much commitment, vision, vulnerability, and creativity to ALL of your relationships?

Fourth
Live your universality.

We are all connected via our energy and common humanity. Your universality emerges from the understanding that you are a spiritual being having a physical experience. Living your universality is about knowing in your heart that you are always a child of god, source, divine, as is everyone and everything in our universe.

A central gift of our current experiences is that we each are able to become more intimate and compassionate with each other. Judgment, while seemingly putting up one last good fight, is becoming extinct. Feeling righteous as you point your finger at someone else attempts to deny your kindred relationship with that person.

Masaru Emoto's amazing research regarding the influence of positive thinking on water droplets illustrates the science behind how our common energy is so intimately linked.

Check out this video

What does this have to do with your relationships? There are two parts to this:

First, if you accepted our integral connectivity, why would you ever feel alone?

• If you could have anyone, alive, dead or imagined by your side, who would you call upon when you are afraid?
• Again, alive, dead, or imagined, who reminds you about your inherent courage, integrity, creativity, and love?

Next time you wonder if you're enough, simply call out the divine troupes to help you move toward what matters to you.

Secondly, look at the impact of your thoughts on yourself and others. For the health of you and others, choose love. Always.


Fifth
Yesterday's best way isn't necessarily today's best way.
I know that there are aspects of the past that feel relevant to you today. Those relational beliefs and practices that are aligned with your soul will be easily incorporated into your life. You will know when you're trying to recreate what isn't true for you through your continued frustration and limited success.

I have found the following questions to be my most accurate guide me in my connections with others.

• How loving is this?
• How authentic is this?
• How creative is this?

In closing, change is the new normal, my friends.

Being yourself
creates the continuity you seek.


Thanks ever so much for making the world a better place! Two things before I wrap this up.

1. Please feel free to share this with your friends AND
2. Let me know if you want more! Exploring if individual or group coaching is a good fit for you is free AND easy!

In the spirit of love and service,

Judy Kinney

BALANCE IS BOGUS?

By Judy Kinney

I'm noticing a lot of women talking, and writing about wanting more balance in their life. Does this include you? If so, I love that you're tapped into knowing that you really do create your life, and that DEFINITELY includes feeling good. However, I believe that much of what we've been taught about balance often leads to frustration. Instead, I'd like to suggest that relief comes as you nurture, and align with your ever evolving self.

In fact, in his book Harmonic Wealth, James Ray bluntly states, "balance is bogus, and you don't want it." He uses the metaphor of a balanced scale to illustrate that balance reflects inactivity. When nothing is happening, you're literally or figuratively dead. My keen sense tells me that this is NOT what you're wanting!

Consider that you are always evolving into a "new normal" version of yourself. You may be sleeping, watching TV, or chatting with friends, but you're always adjusting to new information with expanded desires. From this perspective, being out of balance indicates your natural growth and movement toward your goals. If you're frustrated and/or stressed, know that you've merely outgrown your thoughts. NO BIG DEAL!

Take a moment and consider how claiming your ever evolving self would shift your perspective on life. How would your life be different?

Are you ready to hum with an expanded sense of harmony and alignment? Yes? You may find alignment, merely by asking or stating:

"How will I create harmony in my life today?" or

"I'm feeling out of sorts, but I know I'm naturally re-aligning with my desires." or

"I'll let my thoughts and beliefs evolve along with my desires."

You also may be ready for an in depth personal inventory to clarify your purpose and desires. I'll expand on clarifying your purpose later this week, but for now look at your level of satisfaction in these areas.

LOVE
Spiritual: Your connection to that energy that is bigger than you, but within you.
Relationships: With EVERYBODY, including your lover/partner, people you date, family, community, and colleagues.

WELL BEING
Mental health: How your thoughts create a positive sense of self.
Physical health: The ability to do what you want physically, the way you want to do it.

WEALTH
Income: The amount of cash and gifts you receive.
Material assets/gifts: What you do with your money.

Then pick an area that has your attention, and ask yourself, "What's ONE thing I'd enjoy doing to align with my desires?" And go with what ever pops up first in your mind, while noticing, and enjoying an increased flow in your life.


Judy Kinney is a Law of Attraction Coach for lesbian, bi and queer women who are creating a loving and prosperous life. You can also find her at www.dreamandflourish.com

Quote of the Day

"Just when you think you have her all figured out, out of left-field comes a bolt of lightning that sends you reeling and questioning everything you ever thought you knew about the same sex. In any relationship, each partner shines the light on the road when the road is dark, as well as holds the mirror for the other to see their true reflection."

-Emily Wilcox

What is Love? Part 3 - Love, Pleasure or Affirmation ?

By Robert Elias Najemy

Needing Others for Pleasure

Let us examine how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love.

We create relationships that give us pleasure and affirmation as well as security. We may be dependent upon the other for money, shelter, sex, travel, clothing, encouragement, compliments, humor, tasty food, a clean house, comforts, or even her beauty.

Yet, if she stops providing these things for us, or decides to provide them for someone else, do we continue loving that person or do we feel hurt, disillusioned, and overcome with feelings of injustice, anger and perhaps revenge?

The condition here is that "I love as long as you provide me pleasure, happiness or excitement. If you stop, my feelings change." It is conditional love.

Needing Others for Affirmation

We may also depend on someone for affirmation. This may take various forms.

1. We are affirmed when others obey us. "You listen to me and do what I say. I can control you. That makes me feel powerful and worthy. If, however, you stop doing whatever I say, I will stop feeling love and unity with you."

This becomes a problem for parents when their children move into adolescence. This can also occur between spouses. In many countries a wife might be suppressed at first, and thus, the husband feels powerful and affirmed. If, however, she begins to think and act for herself, he begins to panic and can become angry and sometimes aggressive. The roles may also be reversed where the woman controls and feels affirmed.

2. We also feel affirmation when someone needs us or is dependent on us. This could occur between parent and child, teacher and student, friends, or between the "savior" and the "needy."

In these cases, the "needed" feels affirmed by and perhaps superior to the "needy". This is one aspect of codependency. Some of us find meaning in life because someone needs us or depends on us. If however, the other doesn't want to be the child, the student or the needy one anymore, do we feel the same attraction and love? If not, our love is mixed with our need to be "needed".

In such a case, we need to give, offer, and sacrifice in order to feel useful, worthy or boost our self-image. If this is the case, then all that we offer in these situations, all our sacrifices, are actually for ourselves and not for the others.

That does not negate the fact that others may actually need us, or that we also simultaneously have feelings of altruistic love. We are often motivated by two or three motives simultaneously

3. A third aspect of this attraction for affirmation is the situation in which we "love" those "who affirm our rightness", either verbally by telling us we are right, or simply by belonging to the same social, political, religious or spiritual group and thus embrace a similar belief system.

"I love you because you agree with me, you are like me, you affirm me". If they change beliefs and convert to another political party, religion, or spiritual group, will we feel the same closeness and "love?" Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or "falling in love". In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction between two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation often has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation.

This intensity of these feelings usually only last 6 months to a year. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict and / or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship suffers.

Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth.

In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need.

When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution.

How quickly should I start dating after a relationship breakup?

by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

After a breakup, it's important to take some time to figure out what you learned by being in that relationship, what you would have liked to have done differently, and what you want from a new relationship. While it's important to take some time to heal, it's also important not to take too much time focusing on the past.

In other words, there are no hard and fast rules about when to start dating again. With that being said, here are five guidelines for knowing when or if it's time to start getting out in circulation again...

1. Make sure that you have made completions around old relationships. If you need to do some work around forgiving your ex, do it. If you need to stop thinking about how things used to be with an ex before your breakup, do it. You are not ready to begin dating and attract anyone who you will truly want to be with if you are still emotionally tied to someone else. Don't begin dating to blot out the memory of an old relationship. Do your healing first!

2. If you have relationship trust issues (most people do after a breakup), begin learning how to build trust in new relationships. Make a list of how you and your ex destroyed trust and then make another list of how you can build trust with a new partner. If you get stumped, start thinking about how you like to be treated in relationships and make your list from those thoughts.

3. If you had jealousy issues in your previous relationship, you need to learn how to overcome jealousy before you begin dating. Many people believe that the problem will fix itself if you are in a new relationship. Wrong! Jealousy will just keeping showing up in new relationships over and over again until it has been dealt with.

4. Decide if you want a monogamous relationship or not and how you'd like to be treated. In dating situations, there are often unclear expectations around infidelity and what that means. The breakup might have been caused largely because of infidelity in past relationships so it's even more important to start a new relationship with clear agreements and to absolutely know what you want.

5. Be open to meeting new people--not with the idea of finding your perfect romantic partner, but rather to learn how to open your heart once again to others. So often a new partner will show up quite unexpectantly if you're not looking. So open to being who you really are, with no false masks, and begin to live your new future.

Co-Creative Communication

Although this is a long article, it is definitely worth reading...

Written by Lynne Forrest
Open communication is an essential part of maintaining any relationship and yet these skills are rarely taught outside the walls of a counselor’s office. Most of us don’t even know the components of good communication. Positive dialogue includes the ability to both share truthfully and listen openly, but we must first know ourselves before we can do either. Self realization is a pre-requisite of authentic discourse . . . intimacy is the result. Unfortunately, most of us have repressed and denied our internal state for so long that we really have no idea of who we are. As a result, true sharing is impossible.

We often assume that we’re communicating just fine, when in fact we may be as much at fault as anyone for the relating failures we experience. Having grown up watching our role models avoid, deny and escape their inner realities, we incorporate very distorted ideas about what it means to relate with authenticity. We learn to focus on how others “make” us feel, resorting to blame and projection rather than honest sharing. We then tend to carry these projections and distortions into our listening, so that what we hear is often NOT what was said or intended. No wonder we are so often convinced that honest communication is a dangerous thing!

Because we often tend to see things in terms of “black or white”, we buy into a notion that there is only one truth. Furthermore, we are convinced that we are the ones who know what that is. If “they” don’t see it our way, then “they” are simply wrong . . . end of conversation. However this leaves no room for a difference in opinion or separate perception. Much like the blind men who were placed around the elephant, we each hold a “piece of the truth”, which when shared, presents a totally different perspective, depending on what part of the “elephant” we are describing. How many times in life do we, blind to the others view, rail against them, simply because we see the “tail” and they the “trunk” of a situation? When we get trapped into thinking that ours is the only reality, discordant communication is the usual unhappy outcome.

As a result of these kinds of painful encounters, we become convinced that open communication doesn’t work. We tell ourselves that honesty creates disharmony, or that others can’t handle our truth; “It will hurt their feelings, or they will fall apart, and then it will be my fault.” We convince ourselves that if we speak our minds freely, we will be rejected, or attacked and we decide to keep quiet instead. With such faulty reasoning, we not only talk ourselves out of an opportunity for intimate discourse, but we also fail to take care of ourselves. Sooner or later we discover that instead of preventing problems, stuffing our hurt feelings and opinions only leads to further alienation. The very thing we have convinced ourselves will happen if we do speak up is the thing that is created because we don’t. Here’s why.

As soon as we repress something, regardless of whether it’s a feeling, resentment, or unwanted behavior, we are keeping a secret. Secrets inevitably create distance, because detachment is a natural consequence of holding back. Of course, the other person feels the separation between us, but because they don’t know what it’s about, they make up their own story. They then project this onto us, as if it’s fact. (More likely it’s a distortion based on their own dysfunctional convictions about life, and probably has nothing to do with the given situation.) As a result, they pull away. Real disharmony comes about when we start blasting each other out-loud with our various projections and assumptions.

This happens more often than I like to admit in my own life, even knowing what I do about the outcome of with-holding. My mate does or says something which I interpret in a negative way and I feel resentment. Because that is not acceptable, I immediately deny and stuff my feelings. He feels the resulting distance and makes up his own story about what is going on, which he then lays on me as “the way it is”. We can go round after round with each other, both convinced that we are right, and growing ever more frustrated that the other one refuses to “hear us”. Sound familiar?

For relationships to flourish, we must be willing to understand that blaming, interpreting and projecting onto the other all the things they‘ve done to us is not honest sharing. For one thing, we can only speak with authority about our own reality, not theirs. Besides, it is rare indeed that anyone (outside ourselves) is doing anything to us anyway.

No-one else can “make us” feel. Put simply, our emotional truth is determined by the way we interpret what goes on around us. This perception is founded upon our life experience ... our history. Until we take responsibility for the way our personal biography affects the way we view things, we will go on blaming and projecting! Once we recognize that every individual sees life through their own uniquely tainted lens, we begin to comprehend the etiology of relational discord. We can then begin to allow others to have their own realities, rather than insisting that ours is the only (right) one.

For instance, if I announce in class that we‘re taking the afternoon off, every student will react according to their own interpretation of what’s been said. Whereas one student may rejoice because it means the afternoon free, another may spiral into anger, feeling cheated out of an expensive session. One may see it as a reward for work well done, while another hears it as an implication of her unimportance to me. The point being that every single person will react according to their own interpretation. There will be as many “truths” as there are individuals in the room.

This brings us to the other half of the open communication process . . . that of becoming responsible listeners. This means learning how to listen without distortion or condemnation. Otherwise, we may find that others do not choose to share freely with us, and we will go on verifying all the delusions we hold about the dangers involved in being authentic.

People instinctively revert to dishonesty when they don’t feel safe. If a mother catches her three year old with her hand in the forbidden cookie-jar and angrily demands, “Are you into the cookies!?” What do you think that terrified child’s immediate response is likely to be? Denial, right? Even though she has been caught red-handed, her fear will prompt her to choose self-protection over honesty. The same holds true, irregardless of our age. Dishonesty is born out of fear. Our challenge then is to become a safe harbor for honesty. We can encourage truthful sharing by maintaining an attitude of open acceptance.

Interrogative listening may work in the courtroom, but it often fails miserably in real life. Sometimes we are tempted to try and interrogate someone into “confession”. Consider instead, turning your questions into statements of personal truth. For instance, rather than asking “Are you lying?”,(which is likely to induce an immediate defensive response) you might state; “I’m afraid that you’re not telling me everything.” Here, you are sharing an honest concern, rather than attempting to corner them with an accusatory question.

When we fail at being safe listeners, we may very well find that others are not willing to tell us how they really feel, or see things. For instance, if we constantly interrupt when someone is trying to relate something important to us, we send the message that we’re not really interested in hearing them.

Sometimes we tell ourselves that we can’t handle what others have to say. This is a dangerous conviction. It is one that can set us up for a lifetime of being tip-toed around, with friends and loved ones sharing with us only watered down versions of their realities, at best. Superficial relationships result.

If we use what is shared with us to manipulate, or attack, either overtly or with stony silence, we definitely are not practicing safe listening. This kind of behavior creates tension and distance and leads to loneliness and isolation. There is no way others will want to share their innermost realities with us if they feel judged or ridiculed.

The best way to practice skillful communication is to be willing to set aside, for the moment, your own version of reality. Remind yourself that your truth is probably not the way they see it. Be willing, as the old saying goes, to “walk a mile in their moccasins”, by listening to them with total presence. Allow yourself to really hear what they’re saying and then mirror back only what you heard, rather than your interpretation. Too often, we listen only long enough to snatch a word or phrase that will serve to prove our point. We then jump in with our rebuttal, or accumulated “evidence”, without having heard them at all. Such defensiveness leads to assuming an offensive stance. We attack, thinking we are merely defending ourselves. If, on the other hand, we are willing to practice being safe listeners, then there’s a good chance that our partner will be able to relax and set aside their own affront long enough to return the favor.

Knowing our truth and speaking it, along with unbiased listening are the essentials for providing safe, honest and loving relations. As we consistently practice these things, our capacity for intimacy and creativity increases. As a result, we exude authenticity at all levels, which inspires others to want to participate with us in the art of co-creative communication.

Six Ways to Improve Your Intimacy

This article was a portion of a larger blog posting on www.councellingconnection.com

Good relationships don’t just happen. Many people have the attitude that, “If I have to work at it, then it can’t be the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

There are choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

1. Accept personal responsibility
It may not seem like it, but this is an incredibly important choice that you can make to improve intimacy in your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs and refuse to blame your partner for not making you feel happy and secure. It means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self judgment.

Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how loving your partner is. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for the feelings of rejection you may experience when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, or not turned on sexually, you would explore your own feelings discover how you might be rejecting yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness. Since blaming your partner for your own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

2. Compassion, understanding and acceptance
Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, intimacy, understanding, and acceptance. Relationships thrive when both people treat each other with a deep intimacy. While there are no guarantees, sowing intimacy often reaps intimacy in return.

If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself, and loving to the other, rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself.

Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. Seek further help such as counselling or coaching if your partner is still not able to treat you with kindness, or as a very last resort you may need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself!

3. Be open to learning
When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can become open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behaviour.

We’ve all learnt many subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, care taking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. None of these promotes healthy intimacy within the relationship and in fact they create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of controlling is a vital part of improving intimacy in your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behaviour. But if you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempting to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

4. Make sure you have regular dates
When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, life happens in all its busyness. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play and make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

5. Gratitude instead of complaints
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints create a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practise being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace. Gratitude creates not only intimate, emotional relationship health, but physical health as well.

6. Fun
We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” And so too does work without play make for dull relationships. Relationships thrive when people laugh together, play together, and when humour is a part of everyday life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

How Differences Can Help Your Relationship

by Susie and Otto Collins

Have you ever wondered why you are in a relationship with someone who
is so different from you?

Most people when they get into relationships have an unspoken and
even unconscious agenda that they want to make the other person just
like them. The thought is--"Everything would be okay if you're just
like me, if you like what I like and if you do things the way I like
them to be done."

It may seem obvious--but we have to say it anyway--no two people
alike. No matter how similar you think you are when you get into a
relationship and how well matched, you are two radically different people.

What we have seen over and over--and we're sure you have too--
opposites do attract.

Many people come into relationship with someone who may appear to be
the same but sooner or later they discover just how different they
are and they end up being irritated about it.

The truth is that we all come into relationships to grow and if we
are with someone who is very different from us, we have the choice as
to how we react to those differences. We can either come from a
place of fear, righteousness and judgment or from a place of love and
growth.

What we have discovered is when differences come up, instead of
making that person wrong, you have to embrace the differences between
the two of you and use them to create a better relationship.

Sound impossible? It isn't and here's why.

The two of us have very similar interests and values when it comes to
learning about love, relationships and spirituality. At the very
core of us, there is a strong "glue" that holds us together. We are
also very different people with very different ways of looking at
life. This fact often makes being married business partners a
challenge!

Through the years, we have learned and are still learning how to use
these differences as growth opportunities.

Here are some tips that we've discovered as we've worked with these
differences daily to create powerfully together instead of being at
odds and critical of one another:

1. Open to possibilities
When you are closed to the ways of other people and only focus on how
you've always done things, there's no growth. Begin by opening to
hearing that someone else may have a different way of doing something
and a different opinion. Being open means breathing, sitting, facing
one another in an open way and making eye contact. Be open to
changing a viewpoint, a way of doing something or even a value if it no longer serves you. It doesn't mean giving up being who you are but it means expanding who you are. Shift into an attitude of wonder.

2. Let go of needing to be right
All of us like to be right but when there are differences, we suggest
you put that "rightness" aside. When we have hung onto being right, it's been helpful for us to go back to the thought--"Will this attitude move me closer to what I want or further away." Since what we want is a closer connection, we usually can let go of being right pretty quickly.


3. Listen without judging
This is a hard one but really necessary. Take turns talking and
don't interrupt each other. Listen to each other and make an attempt
to use "yes and" instead of "but" whenever possible. When you both
feel heard, you will come up with a better solution to your
differences than you could have if you had stayed in your "rightness."

4. Ask "What Can I learn from you?"
This is truly the secret that we've found to dealing with our
differences. Ask yourself "What can I learn from you that will help
me to grow?" and then listen to what comes up inside you.

Shifting your attitude from blame to an openness to learning has
transformed our relationship and we know it can yours too.

This week, whenever you are "hit" with someone's differences, change
the way you normally look at those situations. Shift from annoyance,
anger or judgment to openness, wonder and love. We think you'll see
a positive change in your relationships and life.

Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships,

What is Chemistry?

When it comes to a lasting relationship, most women believe that having an emotional, intellectual and spiritual attraction are more important than the initial physical attraction. However, they also agree that there needs to be a certain romantic chemistry to sustain the passion and a lasting relationship.

But what is Chemistry? And how does it all work? The scientific definition of Sexual Chemistry is “a natural, mutual romantic attraction between two people which results from a mixture of physical attraction and natural, mutual personality-based rapport.”

So why is it that sometimes sexual chemistry can be great with someone we have absolutely nothing in common with? Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, and author of “Why We Love," explains it like this, ”Sexual chemistry does not always equal love, and this is because we’ve evolved distinct brain systems for mating. One system controls the craving for sexual gratification. Another system rules over romantic love, that obsessive thinking and craving and focusing on one individual. They’re not always connected, which is why you can be madly in love with someone and only have so-so sex with them while you can have intensely passionate sex with someone you never want to see again!”

Why is it that sometimes we find ourselves attracted to women we know aren’t good for us? Ever been in a situation where you’re not interested in someone until you find out they aren’t interested in you? Or perhaps your friends are telling you not to date someone and then all of a sudden you find yourself wanting them? Dr. Fisher describes this behavior as “frustration attraction.” She says, “These kinds of relationships could literally become an addiction where you do crazy things: You wait all night by the phone or even join in dangerous behaviors.” If you find yourself in this situation stop and check in with yourself, what is the real reason your dating this person? Some women find themselves attracted to the challenge of trying to change their partner. Others enjoy the excitement that comes from unpredictable personalities. If you can identify your motives, it will help give you control over your emotions—and help you to see the relationship for what it really is.

Is it possible for one person to feel Chemistry while the other feels nothing? “The truth of the matter is that some people are just very polite,” states Dr. Fisher. In other words, if you’re not “into” someone, make sure you’re not sending the wrong message. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude about the way you let them down, it just means you shouldn’t flirt or make a second date if you have no real interest. And if by chance you are on the other end of this equation and you’re trying to figure out if someone is interested in you, just be aware that your own emotions can be deceiving you. “When you are madly attracted to someone, you re-interpret everything they do,” says Dr. Fisher. “They can be giving every indication they aren’t interested and you still can’t hear them. They say love is blind and it’s true—the emotion is so powerful, it is designed to overlook things to the contrary.”

Why is it that we can have good phone or internet chemistry, but feel nothing in person? Sight, smell, sound and taste all provide information that can contribute to romantic chemistry. However, Dr. Fisher states that “Eighty percent of what we take into the human brain is visual. So somebody can be witty and romantic online or even over the phone, but if you don’t like what you they look like, it isn’t going to work.” In addition, you will often find that an online persona is based on what people want you to see, not necessarily who they really are. However, this doesn’t mean there is no hope for the two of you. If you do feel some connection in person, but are just not sure, go ahead and make a second date, it will give your date time to relax and expose their true personality.

Why does chemistry seem to disappear over time? A huge contributor to the intensity of romantic chemistry is actually brain chemicals. When we find ourselves attracted to someone romantically, our brain releases a chemical called phenyl ethylamine, which is similar to amphetamines. This chemical is the cause of our erratic behavior whenever we are near someone we are interested in. As time goes by, less and less of this chemical is released into our body. This doesn’t mean our relationship is over, it just means it is undergoing a transformation. “The calming of passion in a relationship is actually a survival trait,” says Dr. Fisher. “When you’re courting, you do things that are very taxing to your mind and body: You talk until dawn, you forget to go to work, you forget to call your friends, you forget to feed the dog, you dash off and spend all of your money in Paris. If you were to live the next twenty years in that state, you’d certainly die of exhaustion!”

Brain chemicals aren't the only culprits, as lesbians we often get into routine ways of spending time together and making love. Some of us give up our independence and old friends and we start to act out of obligation. Forgetting that we are two separate individuals can blind us from the sexual attraction we initially felt in the beginning of our relationship. During times of conflict or imbalance, it is important to take time for each. Whether that means setting up a date night, taking a vacation somewhere romantic, or just surprising your partner with a special gift, a few simple actions can rekindle that old spark and help to reignite the passion in your relationship.

Perhaps writer Anastasia Toufexis defines chemistry best, “It's a commingling of body and soul, reality and imagination, poetry and phenyl ethylamine. In our deepest hearts, most of us harbor the hope that love will never fully yield up its secrets, that it will always elude our grasp.

End of Days: Girl-Girl Break Ups

I found this great article by K. Pearson Brown about lesbian break-ups...it is soo "right on the money," that I knew I had to share it, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

For two years my ex Michelle lived with her ex Karen before moving on. They dated other women, but each night they went home to each other where they made house, grocery shopped, did yard work and even hosted parties together. To outsiders they were a couple. A couple of what you ask? A couple of typical lesbians who wallow in an agonizing slow burn of a breakup instead of ending it quickly like straight folk.

Many of us are guilty of it. We fan that dying ember of a relationship because it gives us just a little warmth and comfort, usually until one of us finds a new flame. In an interview after her separation from her former partner Julie Cypher, Melissa Etheridge revealed that her love affairs always overlapped so she never had to fully deal with heartache. That’s always nice, for one side.

The emotional dynamics between women lovers are different than between hetero partners, and we don’t have a Lesbians are from Jupiter manual to help us understand our mates. Our relationships begin quickly and intensely. We meld emotionally and nest together immediately. Often our body cycles even get in synch. So when things go south, it’s hard to pull apart.

My last relationship was so comfortable that we talked about splitting up for a year and half. We’d talk about it over dinner, and then in bed. The romance was gone, but neither of us wanted to leave. We didn’t want to lose our best friend.

Perhaps one of the best things that gays would gain by winning the right to marry – besides equal rights under the law – would be the imposition of a proper divorce. No more dragging on dead-end relationships for months and even years. Sign some papers, divide the stuff, stay away from each other for a prescribed period of time, and it’s done.

But I wonder if we would miss the dyke drama that has become of rite of passage for lesbians. Often we have to have that last knock-down-drag-out screaming match, throwing things and slamming doors, to signal that it’s finally over.

At least we do it with flare. What could be worse, and more boring, than a straight friend’s recent breakup with her boyfriend in which he simply quit calling. Of course lesbians don’t have the corner on dramatic endings. Think Jean Harris and Herman Tarnower, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuco, David Gest and Liza Minnelli, Brad and Jennifer. And certainly the boys aren’t exempt to those excruciating off-and-on again liaisons. Who doesn’t feel a twinge in the heart when Jake Gyllenhaal says to Heath Leger in the trailer to Brokeback Mountain, “I wish I knew how to quit you.”

When you think about the devastation of ending a relationship, it’s a wonder we ever regain the courage to love again. But even after a Titanic breakup, the heart does do on, as Celine Dion promises. Poor Kate Winslet. Come here, I’ll make you feel better.

A therapist once told me it takes three months for every year you were with a lover to get over the relationship. For the average two-and-a-half-year lesbian relationship, that means seven and a half months of recovery. The same therapist also told me that a good indicator of a person’s ability to have a healthy relationship is how that person ended past relationships and how friendly that person is with exes.

So, now that I have nearly two years behind me since my last romantic relationship, and my ex and I continue to be best of friends, it stands to reason that I am excellent dating material. But I have one question: Does this mean my ex has to move out?

K. Pearson Brown is a writer and public relations director living in Los Angeles. She is currently writing her first novel, You'll Never Eat P*ssy in This Town Again.

Long Distance Relationships...Can They Really Work?

So I have been doing a bit of research on the subject of long distance relationships. I found a ton of articles, hundreds of blogs, thousands of forums, and more books than you can shake a stick at (never did understand that analogy), all dedicated to the subject of LDRs. However, if I was to sum up all that I read, what it all boils down to is that long distance relationships are difficult and that the majority of couples breakup. Does this mean it is impossible? Well, no, nothing is impossible. I guess the question is. "Are you ready to be committed to making a long-distance relationship work." If your answer is "yes," then what are you willing to do to make it work?

Here are a few tips and ideas that may help you out if you find yourself in a long distance relationship.

The first thing you and your partner need to do is establish some guidelines, such as: Are you going to be monogamous? How often will you talk or email? How often are you willing to seeing each other in person?

Like in any relationship, good communication is the key to success, so make an effort to talk or email each other everyday. And since it is hard to actually "see" what each other is feeling when talking on the phone or internet, make an extra effort to be more expressive with your feeling. When you can't see each other for long periods of time, providing reassurance of your commitment to the relationship can be very important.

Get a little creative and send a special package to your partner once in a while. Send flowers, bake cookies, make a CD or a scrapbook... just a little something to let them know you are thinking of them.

Make plans ahead of time to see each other, and don't leave one visit without having another one already planned. Also, it is important that you both share in the effort and cost of traveling, especially if only one of you is doing all the driving/flying.

If your ultimate goal is to live together, then talk to your partner about a realistic way to set those plans in motion. Whether it is going to be 6 months or a year, make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

Okay, it is true, having a long distance relationship is going to be difficult. However, if both people involved are willing to work together, trust each other, keep the communication going, and be open to the possibilities, than you just may be able to make your long distance relationship work.


If you have had some success with a LDR, I would love to hear from you...most of the stories I have received from friend have not been too successful.

Lesbian Online Dating Site List

Here is a list of different dating sites that are either lesbian only or include a lesbian search. This list is a work in progress, so if you notice any missing sites, please let me know. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, opinions, or anything else you would like to share about any of these dating sites.

• butchfemmematchmaker.com


• curiouslove.com


• femmematch.com


• Gay.com


• GayLesbianIntroduction.com


• ldate.com


• lavenderwomynpersonals.com


• LesbianPersonals.com


• lesbotronic.com


• match.com


• pinkcupid.com


• pinksofa.com


• PlanetOut.com


• Planetsappho.com


• Tangowire.com


• womanonline.com


• womyn4womyn.com


• Yahoo Personals