The #1 Reason Lesbian Relationships Don’t Last

By Mary Gorham Malia at DatingAdvice.com

Most first dates don’t become second dates. Then most second dates don’t become third dates, so by the time you are on a third date, you might be thinking this could be serious. And if you’ve had sex already, you do think it’s serious. Right?

Yeah and that’s a big mistake.

Then there are the 30, 60- and 90-day breakups. It happens all the time. It’s happened to me a number of times, and it’s happened to my clients.

So what’s that about anyway? It all seems so hot and fun and perfect in the beginning? Well it’s what happens as you get to know each other, and sometimes it happens fast and sometimes slow.

The story usually goes like this …

You meet an amazing and sexy lesbian. You actually hit it off. You connect and share numbers and she wants to see you. You can’t wait to see her again.
So you set up a time to have coffee, a drink or something to eat. It’s fun and full of laughter and you’re thinking, “Wow! How lucky am I?”

But do you also pay attention to what she’s saying? Do you really listen? Because everything she is saying has potential to be important information about whether this relationship can last or not.

You hear her say, “I’m not very good with commitments. I’m always canceling out on my friends.”
What? Is that important? Yes it is! It means she’ll set up stuff with you and cancel, and she’ll cancel often.
Then she tells you she hates to work out. She’s never done anything athletic or broken a sweat. Is that important? Only if its important to you to work out with your sweetie because this woman just told you she’s not that type of girl. So you are on your own with the workouts.

Maybe she mentions she’s just broken off a two-year relationship a week ago. Are you paying attention now? Don’t blow by this one!!

She’s raw and lonely and looking to fill the gap created by that breakup. Plus, if it was a really mean breakup and you’re sitting there telling her how sexy she looks or how funny she is, you are definitely making her feel a lot better. But she’s not dating material, my lesbian friend. Run away!!

So what you get is a rush of initial contacts and a playful, fun connection with this woman, but you’ll also get her being unable to commit and being wishy-washy about what she wants.

This is the kind of woman who could be back in the arms of her ex in a day or week or month. Tread carefully with your heart.

Then, during one particularly interesting conversation, she tells you she’s awful with communication, all her exes say she’s terrible about sharing what’s really going on, hates deep conversations and likes to keeps things on the surface.

Are you paying attention? She’s telling you who she really is, and she’s telling you where she’s not very good with relationships. She’s telling you where the fights have been in her past.
She’s not going to suddenly be different with you! You are not the miracle woman who’s going to suddenly make her into a different kind of lesbian.

This is the mistake I see woman making over and over

You’re not listening to what a woman says, and beyond that, you do not believe her. You’re fantasizing that she will be different with you.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

When you take the time to be present, listen to what a woman is telling you and pay attention to her actions, you’ll start to recognize when a relationship should be over sooner rather than later. I highly recommend that you end it earlier rather than later.

End things before you both get your heart and ego so entwined that it’s going to hurt badly. End it before you get so hung up with the sex that you can’t see straight. End it when her actions consistently show you that you are way more into her than she is into you.

And if that’s not the case and she’s more into you than you are into her, end it. You’re just leading her on, and it’s going to be a whole lot of hurt for her the longer you let it go on.
Finally, if it seems things really are working (your values click, your goals in life click and your lifestyles click), then keep at it and enjoy it for all it’s worth.

Hopefully 90 days out, it’ll still be that good (and nine years out, too).
When you stop playing games with yourself, you’ll know if a relationship needs to end early on and be the brave one to do it. Sooner is better than later!

10 Lesbian Dating Red Flags to Watch Out For

By Ruth Schwartz, Ph.d.,  Conscious Girlfriend

If you’re a queer woman or lesbian who is dating in the hope of creating a happy, healthy, truly intimate lasting relationship, and you  meet a woman with one of these red flags, proceed with caution and find out more. If she’s got two or more of these red flags, proceed at your peril. If she’s got three or more, run the other way!

1. She and her last love broke up within the past six months – or she’s vague about exactly when they broke up.
2. She spends a good part of your date talking about her last love. (Exception: if she’s speaking thoughtfully about her own mistakes and telling you what she learned, she gets a gold star instead of a red flag!)
3. She trashes her last love and presents herself as a victim. (Remember, what she says about her ex is what she may be saying about you someday soon…)
4. She hasn’t been in a relationship in many years. (Find out why.)
5. She’s never had a long-term relationship. (Exception: if she’s under 25. But if someone over 25 has never had a relationship last longer than a few months, there’s probably a reason.)
6.  She doesn’t have any friends. (Find out why.)
7. She spends a lot of time complaining… about anything or anyone. (Not a good sign.)
8. She spends most of the time talking, rather than listening to you. (Also not a good sign.)
9. She says something mean to or about you, or to or about anyone else. (There’s really no excuse for meanness, and it is definitely not a good sign.)
10. She drinks or drugs daily or to excess. (Regular use of alcohol and drugs forestalls real intimacy – no ifs, ands or buts about it.)

Of course, you need to look honestly at yourself too. If you are a woman with two or more of these red flags, be kind to yourself – and to other women – by taking the time to heal and grow more whole before beginning to date.

None of these red flags are permanent conditions. All can be changed.  But truly loving, intimate relationships are only likely between two relatively happy, whole, healed women.  So, become one before you date – and then look for another. We can help you with this process – just click here!

Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D., has been a writer, healer and teacher for over three decades. She has a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and is also a Board-certified Clinical Hypnotherapist with extensive training in Focusing, shamanism and energy medicine. She’s had a private healing practice since 2003, and is the author of seven books, including Soul on Earth: A Guide to Living & Loving Your Human Life. Ruth has taught at six colleges and universities, and is currently on faculty in the Ashland University low-residency graduate creative writing program.

The Naked Truth About Why Lesbians Fake It (And Why I Stopped!)

By Ruth Schwartz of Conscious Girlfriend

Admit it: are you a woman-loving-woman who’s ever acted more turned-on than you really felt, or even pretended to have an orgasm? If so, you’re not alone. Most lesbians (along with our straight sisters) have done that from time to time – and some of us have done it a lot.

Why would a lesbian fake it, anyway? Well, probably for most of the same reasons as straight women – but with the added twist that we think we’re not supposed to “have to” fake it!

Straight women and men sometimes imagine that lesbian sex is easier than straight sex – that two women together automatically know just what to do, and where and how to do it, to please one another. But most of the lesbians I know sigh ruefully, “If only it were so!”

The truth is, any two people can hit it off sexually – or not. And especially in an ongoing relationship, there are also all kinds of emotional factors that impact how turned-on we feel.

So here are some of the reasons I’ve heard – and felt myself – about why lesbians fake it:

“I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“I don’t really like what she’s doing, but I don’t know how (or am to shy) to tell her or show her what I do like.”

“I’m ready to stop having sex, but she’ll feel bad if she knows I didn’t come.”

“I want her to think I’m hot.”

“She’s doing all the right things, so I should be turned on. There must be something wrong with me.”

“She’s been working so hard down there, I think she must be tired. I need to take care of her.”

“I feel insecure about how long it takes me to come.”

“I didn’t really feel like having sex in the first place.”

“I’m not really attracted to her, but I thought maybe it would feel different once we got into bed.”

Many of these reasons have to do with trying to take care of our partners. As women, we’re often way too concerned with other peoples’ feelings – so much so that we can tend to “leave our bodies” and inhabit our girlfriend’s experience instead!

But are we really inhabiting her experience – or just our own imagining or projection of her experience? And are we really doing her any favors? Think about it. If you found out that yourgirlfriend – or even the woman you just met – was faking it with you, how would you feel? Personally, I’ve never met a woman who would feel good about that.

So we fake it to “protect” our partners in ways we ourselves would never want to be “protected” - which doesn’t make much sense…

The truth is, even when we think we’re protecting our partners, we’re mostly protecting ourselves. It’s scary to get vulnerable enough to tell someone else what’s really going on for us – and for many of us, it’s even scarier when we’re naked in bed with that someone.

But it’s also the only way to create real intimacy – by which I mean, to actually be seen, heard and understood.

(Don’t worry – we’ll coach you through this intimacy-creation process!)

You see, when we “fake it,” there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that that can happen. Instead of letting ourselves be seen and known, we put on an act – which effectively prevents us from getting close.

Eight years ago, shortly after Michelle and I met, I wrestled with this one. I really, really liked Michelle, and I was definitely attracted to her. She was cute, she was brilliant, she was kind, we had endless things to talk about… and yet…

Something was just not working for me in the bedroom.

I tried to show her non-verbally what I wanted. But it still wasn’t happening.

Then I felt myself leaving. No, not physically leaving – but vacating my body as she touched me.

I knew I could fake it. After all, I’d done it many times before, with other partners.

And yet there was something about Michelle, and the connection we’d begun to establish – as well as the emotional work I’d done on myself over the previous few years – that made me want to take the risk to do something different.

So I did. I stopped her from doing what she was doing, and said gently, “You know, this just isn’t working for me. I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s you, or if it’s us. But maybe we can learn something here.”

And so instead of writhing and moaning in fake pleasure, I lay naked in Michelle’s arms, and we talked, really talked.

I learned a lot about her that night – not only from what she said, but from how she listened to me. I still felt a little sad that sex hadn’t worked, but the opportunity to grow together felt even more important to me – and I was overjoyed when she told me she felt the same way.

And somewhere in those hours of conversation, something happened – though I didn’t realize it until the next day, when she was sitting at my kitchen table, and I went to embrace her. And – what?! Something moved. Something opened between us, like a bolt of lightning.

Whoa – what was that?

The sexual energy we hadn’t been able to tap into the night before was suddenly fully alive and crackling between us!

Since that day, nearly eight years ago now, we have accessed that electricity many times, and had many joyful, powerful, amazing times in bed. And yet there have also been numerous times when we couldn’t get there – and one or both of us had to say, “You know, I’m just not feeling it right now.”

Some of that has to do with the fact that we are both sexual abuse survivors. I responded to that by learning to perform; Michelle learned to “leave her body,” and also to steer away from the power of her own desire for fear it would lead her to become an abuser, too.

Fortunately, we have gotten some amazing help from our somatic sex coach, Pavini Moray. And our deep love for each other, plus our commitment to working through our triggers, has helped too.

What would have happened if I had kept on “faking it,” rather than opening up and steering us both toward that deeper conversation? I can’t know for sure, but I am almost positive we wouldn’t be where we are today, in a joyful, deeply connected, truly intimate – and yes, hot! – partnership with the love of my life.

Scared to get this honest? We can help. We founded Conscious Girlfriend to assist lesbians and queer women in finding, creating and sustaining the relationship of your dreams – and that definitely means in the bedroom, as well as outside it! We’d love to coach you in your process of finding, creating and sustaining the love you want.

Attention Single Lesbians: Free Communication Halloween Weekend

As a special Halloween treat, our lesbian online personals site, www.lesbiansanddating.com, is offering a Free Communication Weekend. Browse and chat with other single lesbians all weekend long for FREE!

This event starts on Friday, October 29, 2010 and ends on Sunday, October 31, 2010 at midnight. So click here to check it out!

Attention Single Lesbians...

This Thurday, Sept. 2nd, our lesbian dating site, www.lesbiansanddating.com, is offering Free Chat and Free vDate for lesbians, no paid membership required. Click here to check it out today!

Lesbian Dating & Relationships Blog Was Named #1 LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blog

I just received notice that Lesbian Dating & Relationships Blog was named #1 of the 41 Best LGBT Lifestyles and Dating Blogs by LesbianDating.net.

Click here to check it out!

Lesbians and Dating.com Online Personal Site After Holiday Special

As some of you may already know, earlier this year I launched an online lesbian and dating personal site www.lesbiansanddating.com. And if you have been thinking about joining, now is the time to do it. Basic membership is free and if you decide to upgrade to a Premium Membership (where you can initiate an e-mail conversation or respond to a smile with an e-mail), now through 12/31/09 we are offering a special "After the Holidays" deal where you can get 1 month for only $24.95. All you have to do is enter the coupon code "xmone," when you upgrade your membership, it really is that easy.

Our Lesbian and Dating site is intended to serve as a safe, online meeting place for single lesbians of all ages who are looking for love, a relationship or just some fun.

Basic membership is free, and once you join you will be able to browse through the thousands of profiles from women living in your area, your country or around the world. And with over 7000 members, why not check it out.

What we offer:

• Create a profile and upload photos
  
• Receive and reply to E-mail from other members
  
• Freely send smiles to break the ice to any member
• Search Worldwide network of members

Your safety and privacy is important to us:

• All private data is held on secure servers so you don’t need to worry about identity theft
• Members personal information is kept secure and never given or sold to third parties
• You will never receive unsolicited e-mails

Lesbiansdanddating.com is partnered with TangoWire, a vast dating network with more than 4,000 websites providing dating services to more than 70 online dating communities.

Join today and see for yourself.

How to Get a Good Response From Your Lesbian Online Personal Ad

A friend of mine recently asked me for some help with writing an online personal ad for a lesbian dating site she joined. I gave her a few tips and then I remembered I had written an article about just that subject a while back. Since I figured it is probably a subject that others may be interested in as well, I thought I would re-post it, with a few updates.

Creating an online personal ad doesn't have to be brain surgery, but it does require a little time and effort, if you want to get a response.

Here are a few tips to help you get through it:

1. Find a Lesbian Online Dating site: For many of us this step may be the easiest part, but for those not so familiar with the Internet, you may need a little help.
   
   There are actually quite a few lesbian dating sites on the Internet, so you may want to take a look at a few of them before you decide where you want to place your personal ad. Some lesbians choose to list themselves on as many sites as possible, while others choose to stick to only one or two...it is really your choice.
   
   Some of the more popular lesbian dating sites are: Lesbiansanddating.com, Match.com , Gay.com, and Chemistry.com, those should get you started.
   
   
2. Photos: Having at least 1 recent photo (preferably more) on your ad is essential to getting a good response, especially since it is usually the first thing people see when browsing through an online personal website.


3. Headline: Along with a photo, you will need to come up with an interesting or eye-catching headline. Go ahead and be creative, but try to avoid clichés, no matter how much you are lacking in inspiration. Sometimes the best headline can be a question, something that invokes a response or involves the reader just enough to want to read more about you.


4. Be honest: Although it isn’t necessary to mention every one of your flaws, be honest when writing your personal ad. If you mention you are looking for someone who is honest, and then lie about your weight, education, profession, etc., your first dates aren't going to go very well.


5. Focus on the positive: Write about the qualities you are looking for in a relationship or the characteristics you value in others. There is no need to mention all of the things you don't want, that can be a turn-off.
   


6. Be Yourself: Try to write your ad as if you were having a normal conversation. If you can write the way you speak, others will get a better sense of your personality. Even a humorous personal story can give the reader more insight into your life.


7. Be creative: Many people write about how much they like walks on the beach, candlelight dinners or cuddling on the couch. Try to be a little more unique, talk about something different. Maybe you just returned from a scuba diving trip in Australia, or perhaps you speak a second language. These are things that will make you stand out from everyone else.


8. Be Clear: Are you looking for a relationship or are you just looking to date? Are you okay with dating someone who has kids? Try to be specific about what you are looking for, it will help to eliminate potential disasters later.


9. Check for Errors: Check your ad for spelling and grammatical errors, even if it means typing your ad out in a Word document first, so that you can run the spell check.
   


10. Update your ad: Keep your personal ad up-to-date. If you change your hairstyle, post a new photo. If your headline mentions water skiing and it is December, you may want to change that as well. And when you do met someone special, go ahead and take you ad off the site, just so that other single lesbians aren't contacting you hoping that you're still available.
    
    

And one last bit of advice: Be Cautious!!! Be sure to keep a certain level of anonymity when you first meet someone on the Internet. Never offer your personal information (phone number, address, or e-mail) to anyone right away. That way you have a layer of protection while getting to know each other, and it gives you time to judge whether you would be comfortable speaking on the phone or meeting in person.

Most lesbian dating sites are free to join, so what are you waiting for???

Check Out our New Online Lesbian Dating and Personals Site

I would like to announce the official launch of our new lesbian online dating and personals site, www.lesbiansanddating.com.

This site is intended to serve as a safe, online meeting place for single lesbians of all ages who are looking for love, a relationship or just some fun.

Membership is free, and once you join you will be able to browse through the thousands of profiles from women living in your area, your country or around the world

What we offer:

• Create a profile and upload photos
  
• Receive and reply to E-mail from other members
  
• Freely send smiles to break the ice to any member
• Search Worldwide network of members

Your safety and privacy is important to us:

• All private data is held on secure servers so you don’t need to worry about identity theft
• Members personal information is kept secure and never given or sold to third parties
• You will never receive unsolicited e-mails

Lesbiansdanddating.com is partnered with TangoWire, a vast dating network with more than 4,000 websites providing dating services to more than 70 online dating communities.

Join today and see for yourself.

New Lesbian Online Dating Web Series

Have you heard about Seeking Simone? It is the the new lesbian online dating series that follows the adventures of single lesbian Simone Selkin as she dates her way through gay Toronto.

The first 2 episodes are up on the website and can be viewed at: www.seekingsimone.com, however, if you would like to check out the is trailer, here ya go...

10 Secrets to Getting Your Woman Hooked on You! Tips for Successful Lesbian Dating

By Susan Adams, Founder Lavender Liaisons

What turns a new relationship into a long-term relationship? How do you keep the new relationship energy flowing? How do you break the short-term relationship syndrome?

Here is a quick list of 10 things you can do to turn that budding romance into the relationship of your dreams:

1-State Your intentions Up Front. Affirm to your partner that you are committed to making your relationship work and that you are in it for the long haul. Stating your intentions at the beginning of the relationship can prevent mishaps down the road. Be truthful about your intentions, declaring that you want a long-term relationship when you desire a fling is lying.

2-Embrace the Power of Romance. Long stem roses and French champagne every night are nice, but not realistic. Small simple gestures go a long way. Stop and pick some wildflowers along the road, send a text kiss to her cell phone in the middle of the day just to say I'm thinking of you—make her feel like a priority in your life. Take 10 seconds to remind her that she is the sunshine of your day. It's really not that difficult and it works!

3-80/20 Rule: Listen More Than Talk. Take time to listen to your partner. Ask questions about her accomplishments and her fears. Don't dismiss her feelings or concerns as invalid or not as important as yours. Try to listen 80% of the time and talk 20%. It's not all about you, sometimes it's all about her.

4-Stay Attractive: Maintain Your Health/Appearance/Hygiene.  If she is with you, there was something about you that attracted her. Keep it that way. Stay healthy. If you were working out before the relationship, continue to do so once you are together. If you dressed funky and hip before you started dating, continue being a fashion plate in the relationship. Maintain your personal hygiene. Shower and style your hair as often as you used to—it's important now more than ever.

5-Get Over Your Past. Leave your musty baggage behind. Everyone has experiences from past relationships; it is how you deal with them that makes a difference in your future. Leave the toxic experiences behind. If you truly can't, then see Tip #6.

6-Employ a Good Therapist, Work on Yourself, Consider Couples' Therapy. Check out the lay of the land. If you or your partner are carrying around leftover angst consider seeing a therapist. It isn't a sign of weakness, but evidence that you are serious about making things work. If there are deal-breakers in the relationship, discuss them with a therapist. Problems can be worked out. It is always better to seek counseling at the slightest inkling of a problem than past the point of no return.

7-Compatibility and Alignment.  Attraction is a wonderful thing, but sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together long-term. Explore compatibility before you make long-term plans. Align your spiritual beliefs, political views, plans for children, etc. BEFORE you commit. Do your lesbian types align (butch, femme, etc.)?

8-Make Your Relationship a Priority. Make time for your partner. Make time for your relationship. Keep it front and center so it truly becomes a priority and not an after-thought. Nobody wants to feel like second fiddle whether it is to your job, your family or your friends. Make your woman feel like she is the most precious thing in the world to you, because she is!

Share Your Hobbies.  Spend time together. Everyone needs their alone time too, but strike a balance and keep the fun alive. Take a class together, go dancing, check out Outdoor Adventures for Women. There are various avenues for lesbian couples in the San Francisco Bay Area—take advantage of them.

Share Alone Time.  Make sure you make time to be alone together, away from family and friends. Make time for vacations, consider a Lesbian Cruise or weekend getaways to Napa, Big Sur, Tahoe, Palm Springs, etc.

About the Author
Susan Adams, founder and CEO of Lavender Liaisons has 20 years of matchmaking experience. Having successfully arranged a host of marriages and hundreds of relationships, Susan's experience and personalized approach has made Lavender Liaisons the most flourishing lesbian matchmaking company in the San Francisco Bay Area.

She created it with the vision, and the goal, to reinvent the common practice of matchmaking, and cater it to the lesbian community. Her service is dedicated to women of courage, caliber, and commitment. Lavender Liaisons is a customized personalized service whose mission is to provide lesbians with a safe place to share their stories, be understood, celebrate each other and fall in love. www.lavenderliaisons.com

Internet Dating Guide

While wandering through the Internet, as I often do, I found a new Internet dating site called The Internet Dating Guide. Now this site isn’t specific to the LGBT community, but I found some helpful information, reviews and tips that could be beneficial to anyone who is using the Internet to meet someone new.

The Internet Dating Guide is divided up by various categories such as: Lesbian Dating Sites, Online Dating Safety, Internet Dating Stories and about 45 other related categories. They even have a category called good online profiles, which has some great sample dating profiles, as well as ideas on how to create a more affective dating profile so that you will get the response you are looking for.

So, if you haven't been getting what you want from your online dating service, or you just need some help with writing your online profile, then the Internet Dating Guide may be a great site for you to spend a little bit of time.

Red Flag Warning for Lesbian Relationships

When dating or starting a new relationship, many lesbians tend to ignore certain behaviors in their new partner that may not bode so well for their future. Yet when things fall apart and they are in the middle of a bad breakup, many lesbians say they wish they had known about these behaviors/habits/issues before they had gotten involved. The reality is, even though some women are capable of hiding their true colors for extended periods of time, if you pay close attention to the signs, you can usually detect red flag warnings before you become too involved in a relationship.

Here are just a few red flags warning to keep an eye out for:

1. Blames others for their problems - Women who won't take ownership for their own problems and tend to play the part of "the victim," will eventually start blaming you for all of their problems.
2. Gets attached or falls in love too quickly. (U-haul syndrome) - Women who tend to quickly jump into a relationship may be looking for someone to save them from their problems. You may want to question their motives for rushing into a relationship. Are they in debt, unemployed or homeless and looking for a Sugar Momma? Are they depressed and looking for someone to make them happy? Are they looking for someone to help them forget about an ex?
3. Big Flirt - Someone who overtly flirts with other women, even when you are together, and then insists it's harmless, is a Big Red Flag.
4. They won’t make sacrifices - Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is normal to keep things balanced. If your partner is rarely willing to give in on anything, chances are, that will not change anytime soon.
   
5. Does not want to help with simple chores - Women who pout or complain when you ask them to help you out with the smallest of tasks, like washing the dishes or taking out the trash, is likely to view you as their care-taker, rather than a partner. In the long run, you may end up resenting this person.
6. Control Issues - Does your partner tell you whom you can and can’t talk or spend time with? Does she tell you what you can or cannot wear? Does she try to make you feel guilty about pursuing outside interests or spending time with your friends and family? Romantic partners are supposed to support each other not own each other.
7. Trust issues - Whether it is a little white lie you caught her in, or something much bigger, it is hard to regain trust once it is lost. A partner who lies, misleads you or fails to communicate openly, is not someone capable of a healthy relationship, nor are they worthy of your affection.
8. Relationship Longevity - Women who have not been in a long-term relationship for longer than a year or two will often have commitment issues and tend to continue this pattern of short-term relationships until they have dealt with their issues.
9. Financial Status - Not that I believe having money is everything, but I do think it is important that the person you are dating is gainfully employed and can keep a job for an extended period of time. It will also be helpful if they are not in serious debt, how your partner handles their finances can really effect the future of your relationship.
10. Living Situation - Last, but not least, if you meet a woman who is over 30 and still living with her parents, RUN! Of course there are always exceptions, perhaps you meet someone who is taking care of her aging parents, which is very honorable. But lets face it, in this day and age, that is rarely the case, so be sure to check out the details before getting involved.

So those are my top 10 red flag warning, although I am sure I could probably come up with another 50 or so...yikes! Please feel free to share your favorite red flag warnings, when dating, you can never really have enough warnings, can you???

Coming Out in Midlife - Your First Lesbian Date

You're 38 years old, give or take a few, you have just gone through the shock of figuring out you are a lesbian...now what? If you are in a position to meet other like-minded women and seek out a relationship, you will most certainly be thinking about dating. And you have to start somewhere--your first lesbian date.

The concept is the same as any date: two people meeting to learn more about each other in order to determine if there will be a second date. Remember this principle! You are deciding on a second date, not on a lifetime commitment. In my experience, many lesbians who do not experience instant sparks on the first date don't ask for a second date. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself or your date. While attraction may be instant, most times love needs time and nurturing to grow. If you are on a date, having a nice time together and seem reasonably compatible, go on a second date. Enjoy yourself.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you do feel an instant attraction on the first date, take it slow. There is an ongoing lesbian joke involving U-Haul rentals following first dates--if you haven't heard about that yet, you will. Most times these flash--in--the-pan attractions result in short lived and stormy affairs. Having an attraction doesn't insure compatibility over the long haul--that just takes time. Be patient.

OK, so back to first date basics. Who asks for the date? In straight relationships, most times the guy takes the initiative. No more! It-s up to one of you to do it. My advice is to jump in. The sooner you ask, the less anxiety you will have agonizing over the anticipation. You will also develop confidence and it will be easier the next time. Make your invitation to date as personal as possible. In person or on the phone are preferable to e-mail or IM'ing.

You can either offer to pick up your date or meet up with each other. There are no rules. You may want to consider this, however. Picking up at the home will also mean dropping off at the home later, presenting the possibility of being asked in for a nightcap. This may or may not be desirable, depending on your comfort level after the date.

As in the straight world, expectations of sexual activity following a first date vary widely among lesbians. You should never do more than you are comfortable with. You should clearly state what your limits are if you are feeling pressured. Likewise, don't pressure your date. That's just bad manners. It is a good idea to think about your personal limits and desires ahead of time. Kissing is common and if this is your first time kissing a woman and you are nervous, that's normal. Relax, you'll be fine! (really fine!)

Paying for the date is the next sticky wicket. Again, no rules. If you have been the one to initiate the date, you may want to pay. Or your date may offer and insist. Or you can split the bill. The only caution here concerns obligation. If you go on additional dates and she continues to insist on paying, she may be really nice, rich and can afford it or she may be trying to set up a controlling relationship. Beware.

There is one really disconcerting thing that I had not foreseen on my first lesbian date: the trip to the rest room. When I told my date I needed the facilities, she said, "Oh, me too," and followed me in. It was just a little strange relieving myself, knowing my date was in the next stall!

Remember, the goal of your first date is to learn more about each other, test your compatibility and decide if you want to go on a second date. Keep these points in mind and have a fabulous time! Happy hunting!

This article was wriiten by Pat Cheney, MBA, a life coach specializing in mixed orientation marriage issues.




Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

10 Tips for Creating a Lesbian Online Personal Ad

Creating an online personal ad doesn't have to be brain surgery, but it does require a little time and effort, if you want to get a response.

Here are a few tips to help you get through it:

1. Find a Lesbian Online Dating site: For many of us this step may be the easiest part, but for those not so familiar with the internet, you may need a little help.
   
   There are actually quite a few lesbian dating sites on the internet, so you may want to take a look at a few of them before you decide where you want to place your personal ad. Some lesbians choose to list themselves on as many sites as possible, while others choose to stick to one or two...it is really your choice.
   
   Some of the top lesbian dating sites are: Match.com® , Gay.com, Chemistry.com and Lesbianpersonals.com, those should get you started.
   
   
2. Photos: Having at least 1 recent photo (preferably more) on your ad is essential to getting a response, especially since it is usually the first thing people see when browsing through an online personal website.


3. Headline: Along with a photo, you will need to come up with an interesting or eye-catching headline. Go ahead and be creative, but try to avoid clichés, no matter how much you are lacking in inspiration. Sometimes the best headline can be a question, something that invokes a response or involves the reader just enough to want to read more about you.


4. Be honest: Although it isn’t necessary to mention every one of your flaws, be honest when writing your personal ad. If you mention you are looking for someone who is honest, and then lie about your weight, education, profession, etc., your first dates aren't going to go very well.


5. Focus on the positive: Write about the qualities you are looking for in a relationship or the characteristics you value in others. There is no need to mention all of the things you don't want, that can be a turn-off.
   


6. Be Yourself: Try to write your ad as if you were having a regular conversation. If you can write the way you normally speak, others will get a better sense of your personality. Even a humorous personal story can give the reader more insight into your life.


7. Be creative: Many people write about how much they like walks on the beach or cuddling on the couch. Try to get a little more unique, talk about something different. Maybe you speak a foreign language, or perhaps you have recently returned from a trip to Greece. These are things that will make you stand out from everyone else.


8. Be Clear: Are you looking for a relationship or are you just looking to date? Do you want to meet someone with kids? Try to be specific about what you are looking for, it will help to eliminate potential disasters later.


9. Check for Errors: Check your ad for spelling and grammatical mistakes. This may mean you will need to type out your ad in a word document first so that you can use the spell check.


10. Update your ad: Keep your personal ad up-to-date. If you change your hairstyle, post a new photo. If your headline mentions snowboarding and it is June, think about changing that too. And if, by chance, you have met someone special, go ahead and take you ad off the site.
    
    

And one last bit of advice: Be Cautious!!! Be sure to keep a certain level of anonymity when you first meet someone on line. Never offer your personal information (phone number, address, or e-mail) to anyone right away. That way you have a layer of protection while getting to know each other, and it gives you time to judge whether you would be comfortable speaking on the phone or meeting in person.

Lesbian Moms in the Dating World

Lesbian moms face the same predicament all single parents do: How do you balance having a love life and still giving your kids the time and attention they need. Of course your children should come first in your life, but dating is something you get to do for yourself, so don’t feel guilty.

Here are some tips that may help:

• Don’t introduce your children to someone you’re dating until you are sure the relationship is going somewhere. Having your children meet every dinner date may confuse them, and they may come to resent you dating anyone.



• Once you decide to introduce your girlfriend to your children, start by introducing her as a friend. You can then gradually let you children know that she is becoming a more important person in your life.



• Make a point of spending “alone time” with your children. Maintaining your private time with your children will help them to realize that your girlfriend is not a threat to their relationship with you.



• Your child does not need to know all the details of your dating life. Although it may be tempting to talk to your children about what is going on in your romance, especially if they are older, confiding, complaining, or even asking for advice may make them feel responsible, and it is an unfair to burden to your children.



• Don’t expect your children to love your new partner right away, it may take time for them to get used to the idea of sharing you with someone new.

If you have any additional tips or information, please leave a comment, I would love to hear from you.

Long Distance Relationships...Can They Really Work?

So I have been doing a bit of research on the subject of long distance relationships. I found a ton of articles, hundreds of blogs, thousands of forums, and more books than you can shake a stick at (never did understand that analogy), all dedicated to the subject of LDRs. However, if I was to sum up all that I read, what it all boils down to is that long distance relationships are difficult and that the majority of couples breakup. Does this mean it is impossible? Well, no, nothing is impossible. I guess the question is. "Are you ready to be committed to making a long-distance relationship work." If your answer is "yes," then what are you willing to do to make it work?

Here are a few tips and ideas that may help you out if you find yourself in a long distance relationship.

The first thing you and your partner need to do is establish some guidelines, such as: Are you going to be monogamous? How often will you talk or email? How often are you willing to seeing each other in person?

Like in any relationship, good communication is the key to success, so make an effort to talk or email each other everyday. And since it is hard to actually "see" what each other is feeling when talking on the phone or internet, make an extra effort to be more expressive with your feeling. When you can't see each other for long periods of time, providing reassurance of your commitment to the relationship can be very important.

Get a little creative and send a special package to your partner once in a while. Send flowers, bake cookies, make a CD or a scrapbook... just a little something to let them know you are thinking of them.

Make plans ahead of time to see each other, and don't leave one visit without having another one already planned. Also, it is important that you both share in the effort and cost of traveling, especially if only one of you is doing all the driving/flying.

If your ultimate goal is to live together, then talk to your partner about a realistic way to set those plans in motion. Whether it is going to be 6 months or a year, make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

Okay, it is true, having a long distance relationship is going to be difficult. However, if both people involved are willing to work together, trust each other, keep the communication going, and be open to the possibilities, than you just may be able to make your long distance relationship work.


If you have had some success with a LDR, I would love to hear from you...most of the stories I have received from friend have not been too successful.

How to Meet the Right Woman

I found this article about how to meet the right woman and thought I would share it with you all.

Lesbian Dating Tips - How to Meet the Right Woman
By Linda Stolling

Despite the stereotype that lesbians move in together by the second date, lesbians date just as heterosexual people do. If you are newly out of the closet, be forewarned that being gay does not make the process of dating any easier. While some people are lucky enough to meet Ms. Right right away, for most people meeting someone compatible takes a lot of time and effort. It takes a lot of bad dates to get to the good ones, and it takes a lot of dating to get to a satisfying relationship. However, there are a few things you can do to make the search for your dream woman easier.

1. Look for women in places that would attract the type of woman you want to meet. It may sound like common sense, but if you do not enjoy drinking or dancing, you probably will not meet a compatible mate in a nightclub or bar. If you are shy about meeting people, or there is not a large lesbian community in your area, you might want to join a club or take a class in something that interests you, preferably one geared toward women.

2. If your city has a gay/lesbian community center, get involved. GLBT community centers usually offer various classes and activities. Pick one or a few that interest you and join in. By already knowing most of the women you will meet there are gay, you will take some of the frustration and guess-work out of trying to meet someone. Plus, if you do meet someone through a class or activity there, you will already have something in common with her to talk about and do together.

3. Get involved in online lesbian communities. The Internet is full of lesbian forums, message boards, discussion groups and blogs. Some are location-specific while others are of a more global nature. Although it is preferable to find an online group that serves your city or nearby towns, many global groups might have members from your area.

4. Join an online dating service, but before you do, make sure the dating site has local lesbian members. Many online dating sites serve the lesbian community but will not have many current members who live near you. Always browse around first to make sure the site has local active members who interest you before you commit to paying a fee for any online dating service.

5. Be open to blind dating. Although the very concept of blind dating is a turn-off to many people, keeping your options open might just allow you to meet your ideal partner. If a friend offers to set you up with someone, at least consider it before you say no. Ask a few questions about the woman, and if she sounds compatible, give it a try. If you are uncomfortable at the thought of sitting through a long date with someone you might not click with, meet for coffee. If the two of you connect, you can always make a dinner date for another night.

6. Befriend other lesbians. Making friends with other lesbians, including lesbian couples, can be one of the best ways to better your chances of meeting someone. By broadening your social network to include other lesbians who have common interests, you will be connecting with people who like to do the things you do and maybe even share the same goals and views you do. A new friend might have a friend who would like to meet you. Or, you just may turn a new friendship into a budding relationship.

Try not to get discouraged. If it were easy to meet the perfect person, there would not be so many single people eager to enroll in online dating services. Gay or straight, finding that one person you want to commit to a relationship with takes time and patience. Stay committed to the search, and remember all you have to offer. Ms. Right might be just around the corner, or she might live in the next town, but you will never find her if you give up.

Linda Stolling is a contributing writer for www.girlgirlfishing.com