Monogamy: Is She My One and Only? Secrets to Compatibility in Lesbian Relationships

By Susan Adams, Founder of Lavender Liaisons

After decades of matchmaking experience, and years of living and loving within Our Community, I have found the secrets to successful, functional, monogamous lesbian relationships.

Begin by stating your honest relationship intentions. If you truly crave a monogamous relationship, then say so, and let your actions reflect your desires. It's duplicitous and hurtful to say you want monogamy and then date a different woman nightly, or spend your weekends in a singles bar. If you desire diversity in dating, state that as well. Be honest about your intentions regarding yourself and your partner.

Resist the sex dance until further exploration! Discover each other slowly and determine your compatibility, before getting swept away by sensuality. The more cautious your approach, the better your chances of a successful, long-term, monogamous relationship.

Develop exceptional communication and negotiation skills. A relationship is all about enjoyable compromise. Learn to ask for what you want! As women, so many of us get stuck 'giving and hoping' and don't relax and receive love. Others become self-consumed and believe that as long as their needs are being met, then all is fine with their partners—which is not typically the case. Learn to ask the right questions to determine that your partner is getting her needs met too. Compromise and communicate.

Outline your deal breakers from the beginning and discuss them. The most common are: drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, jealousy, trust issues, and controlling behavior which is also a by-product of trust issues. Determine your own list of deal breakers. What do you absolutely need in a relationship and what will you not tolerate? Make your list, discuss it and stick to it.

Let go of your painful past. Don't carry your war wounds into your new relationship. We all have baggage, everyone does, if you say you don't, then you haven't lived. Dragging yesterday's pain into today's relationship could be toxic. Give your new relationship a chance! Don't sabotage it before it blossoms.

Overcome jealousy and insecurity. Jealousy is a by-product of insecurity. Some of us are more secure than others. If your new partner is insecure then take the time to discuss this and reassure her. Jealousy will poison any healthy relationship. It tells your partner "You don't trust me." How can you build a relationship without mutual trust?

Another important factor in lesbian compatibility is type alignment. How do you define yourself? Are you a hardcore butch or butch-lite? Lipstick femme, sporty femme or androgynous? Or do you prefer not to be typed? Discover who you are, and who attracts you, and then align yourself with your compatible counterpart. Have that honest conversation at the beginning of the relationship and save months of struggle and ultimate heartache by trying to align incompatibilities.

With many lesbians, the initial approach is the most difficult. How do you approach someone attractive and risk rejection? Some of you are shy. For others, it's too uncomfortable—the fear of rejection is daunting and you don't try. Or you keep choosing the same type of woman—the type that is not healthy for the long term.

Once you are provided with an exciting introduction, or muster up the courage to introduce yourself, make the most of it!

Now that you know the secrets, utilize them! Ensure compatibility, state your honest intentions, resist the initial sex dance, communicate and compromise, don't tolerate jealousy, alcoholism or drug abuse. Leave your painful past behind, discover yourself and align with your most compatible companion. Then embrace her, enjoy her, love her and she'll adore and love you!

About the Author
Susan Adams, founder and CEO of Lavender Liaisons has 20 years of matchmaking experience. Having successfully arranged a host of marriages and hundreds of relationships, Susan's experience and personalized approach has made Lavender Liaisons the most flourishing lesbian matchmaking company in the San Francisco Bay Area.

She created it with the vision, and the goal, to reinvent the common practice of matchmaking, and cater it to the lesbian community. Her service is dedicated to women of courage, caliber, and commitment. Lavender Liaisons is a customized personalized service whose mission is to provide lesbians with a safe place to share their stories, be understood, celebrate each other and fall in love. www.lavenderliaisons.com

10 Secrets to Getting Your Woman Hooked on You! Tips for Successful Lesbian Dating

By Susan Adams, Founder Lavender Liaisons

What turns a new relationship into a long-term relationship? How do you keep the new relationship energy flowing? How do you break the short-term relationship syndrome?

Here is a quick list of 10 things you can do to turn that budding romance into the relationship of your dreams:

1-State Your intentions Up Front. Affirm to your partner that you are committed to making your relationship work and that you are in it for the long haul. Stating your intentions at the beginning of the relationship can prevent mishaps down the road. Be truthful about your intentions, declaring that you want a long-term relationship when you desire a fling is lying.

2-Embrace the Power of Romance. Long stem roses and French champagne every night are nice, but not realistic. Small simple gestures go a long way. Stop and pick some wildflowers along the road, send a text kiss to her cell phone in the middle of the day just to say I'm thinking of you—make her feel like a priority in your life. Take 10 seconds to remind her that she is the sunshine of your day. It's really not that difficult and it works!

3-80/20 Rule: Listen More Than Talk. Take time to listen to your partner. Ask questions about her accomplishments and her fears. Don't dismiss her feelings or concerns as invalid or not as important as yours. Try to listen 80% of the time and talk 20%. It's not all about you, sometimes it's all about her.

4-Stay Attractive: Maintain Your Health/Appearance/Hygiene.  If she is with you, there was something about you that attracted her. Keep it that way. Stay healthy. If you were working out before the relationship, continue to do so once you are together. If you dressed funky and hip before you started dating, continue being a fashion plate in the relationship. Maintain your personal hygiene. Shower and style your hair as often as you used to—it's important now more than ever.

5-Get Over Your Past. Leave your musty baggage behind. Everyone has experiences from past relationships; it is how you deal with them that makes a difference in your future. Leave the toxic experiences behind. If you truly can't, then see Tip #6.

6-Employ a Good Therapist, Work on Yourself, Consider Couples' Therapy. Check out the lay of the land. If you or your partner are carrying around leftover angst consider seeing a therapist. It isn't a sign of weakness, but evidence that you are serious about making things work. If there are deal-breakers in the relationship, discuss them with a therapist. Problems can be worked out. It is always better to seek counseling at the slightest inkling of a problem than past the point of no return.

7-Compatibility and Alignment.  Attraction is a wonderful thing, but sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together long-term. Explore compatibility before you make long-term plans. Align your spiritual beliefs, political views, plans for children, etc. BEFORE you commit. Do your lesbian types align (butch, femme, etc.)?

8-Make Your Relationship a Priority. Make time for your partner. Make time for your relationship. Keep it front and center so it truly becomes a priority and not an after-thought. Nobody wants to feel like second fiddle whether it is to your job, your family or your friends. Make your woman feel like she is the most precious thing in the world to you, because she is!

Share Your Hobbies.  Spend time together. Everyone needs their alone time too, but strike a balance and keep the fun alive. Take a class together, go dancing, check out Outdoor Adventures for Women. There are various avenues for lesbian couples in the San Francisco Bay Area—take advantage of them.

Share Alone Time.  Make sure you make time to be alone together, away from family and friends. Make time for vacations, consider a Lesbian Cruise or weekend getaways to Napa, Big Sur, Tahoe, Palm Springs, etc.

About the Author
Susan Adams, founder and CEO of Lavender Liaisons has 20 years of matchmaking experience. Having successfully arranged a host of marriages and hundreds of relationships, Susan's experience and personalized approach has made Lavender Liaisons the most flourishing lesbian matchmaking company in the San Francisco Bay Area.

She created it with the vision, and the goal, to reinvent the common practice of matchmaking, and cater it to the lesbian community. Her service is dedicated to women of courage, caliber, and commitment. Lavender Liaisons is a customized personalized service whose mission is to provide lesbians with a safe place to share their stories, be understood, celebrate each other and fall in love. www.lavenderliaisons.com

Red Flag Warning for Lesbian Relationships

When dating or starting a new relationship, many lesbians tend to ignore certain behaviors in their new partner that may not bode so well for their future. Yet when things fall apart and they are in the middle of a bad breakup, many lesbians say they wish they had known about these behaviors/habits/issues before they had gotten involved. The reality is, even though some women are capable of hiding their true colors for extended periods of time, if you pay close attention to the signs, you can usually detect red flag warnings before you become too involved in a relationship.

Here are just a few red flags warning to keep an eye out for:

1. Blames others for their problems - Women who won't take ownership for their own problems and tend to play the part of "the victim," will eventually start blaming you for all of their problems.
2. Gets attached or falls in love too quickly. (U-haul syndrome) - Women who tend to quickly jump into a relationship may be looking for someone to save them from their problems. You may want to question their motives for rushing into a relationship. Are they in debt, unemployed or homeless and looking for a Sugar Momma? Are they depressed and looking for someone to make them happy? Are they looking for someone to help them forget about an ex?
3. Big Flirt - Someone who overtly flirts with other women, even when you are together, and then insists it's harmless, is a Big Red Flag.
4. They won’t make sacrifices - Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is normal to keep things balanced. If your partner is rarely willing to give in on anything, chances are, that will not change anytime soon.
   
5. Does not want to help with simple chores - Women who pout or complain when you ask them to help you out with the smallest of tasks, like washing the dishes or taking out the trash, is likely to view you as their care-taker, rather than a partner. In the long run, you may end up resenting this person.
6. Control Issues - Does your partner tell you whom you can and can’t talk or spend time with? Does she tell you what you can or cannot wear? Does she try to make you feel guilty about pursuing outside interests or spending time with your friends and family? Romantic partners are supposed to support each other not own each other.
7. Trust issues - Whether it is a little white lie you caught her in, or something much bigger, it is hard to regain trust once it is lost. A partner who lies, misleads you or fails to communicate openly, is not someone capable of a healthy relationship, nor are they worthy of your affection.
8. Relationship Longevity - Women who have not been in a long-term relationship for longer than a year or two will often have commitment issues and tend to continue this pattern of short-term relationships until they have dealt with their issues.
9. Financial Status - Not that I believe having money is everything, but I do think it is important that the person you are dating is gainfully employed and can keep a job for an extended period of time. It will also be helpful if they are not in serious debt, how your partner handles their finances can really effect the future of your relationship.
10. Living Situation - Last, but not least, if you meet a woman who is over 30 and still living with her parents, RUN! Of course there are always exceptions, perhaps you meet someone who is taking care of her aging parents, which is very honorable. But lets face it, in this day and age, that is rarely the case, so be sure to check out the details before getting involved.

So those are my top 10 red flag warning, although I am sure I could probably come up with another 50 or so...yikes! Please feel free to share your favorite red flag warnings, when dating, you can never really have enough warnings, can you???

Tips For Bringing Out the Best in Your Relationship

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist

Note: Ideally, these guidelines work best when both partners follow them; however, a change in one partner's way of responding often encourages a change in the other partner.

Relationships bring out the best and the worst in us. Here are some ways to bring out the best in yours:

1. Focus on yourself.

Do things to increase your self-awareness, like how you behave in relationships. It can help to stay aware of patterns, reactions, feelings, beliefs, and triggers (from your childhood and previous relationships) that arise in your relationship. It is often true that how you feel may have little to do with your partner, and is more about you and your past experiences.

2. Take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, needs, and behavior.

• Use "I" statements ("I feel..." vs. "You make me feel...")
  
• Check out assumptions, interpretations, and fears.
  
• State your feelings and thoughts clearly and without blame.
  
• Make requests. Ask for what you need. She/he may not know what you need.
  
• Know that you may not get exactly what you need.
  
• Find ways to meet your own needs.
  

3. Take care of yourself.

Treat yourself as you would a good friend.

4. Be present with yourself.

This is important not only for your own well-being, but also for your relationship. Being present with yourself can be achieved in different ways, such as meditation, yoga, relaxation, rest, exercise, body awareness, dance, being in nature, and prayer. Anything that helps you to be in the moment will help you to do that with your partner, as well. Many people find that being in the moment while they are with their partner is a lot harder than when they are alone or with other people. Some couples work on this together. 

You can:

• Lie down with your partner in a spoon position (one person's front side hugs the other person's back side) and then breathe in unison for five to ten minutes. Generally it is better if the larger partner follows the breath of the smaller partner. If your mind wanders, bring your focus back to breathing together. Variations of this are standing up and breathing in unison while hugging, and sitting down facing each other, holding eye contact while breathing in unison. This can also be helpful to do when you feel upset or angry with each other.
  

• Sit facing each other. At first, look down or close your eyes. Become aware of your breath. Follow the natural rhythm of your breath, and let your mind be clear of thoughts and worries. When you have done this for a while, open your eyes and look at your partner. She may not have opened her eyes yet. If not, look at your partner from this meditative place and see what you notice, while you continue to follow your breath. When your partner opens her eyes, hold eye contact, while continuing to follow your breath. If you lose your connection with your breath, take a moment by looking down or closing your eyes to reconnect, and then hold eye contact again. Just notice what you are aware of as you do this.

5. Nurture all of your relationships.

Try not to isolate yourself in your primary relationship.

6. Explore your own creativity, needs, independence, leisure activities, hobbies, career

Anything that makes you feel better about yourself, or makes you feel whole and feeds your soul is important and will have a positive effect on your relationship.

7. Take another look.

When your partner does something that bothers you,

• Ask yourself, what does this mean to me? Why am I bothered by this? Is there anything from my past that is effecting how I am feeling or seeing this right now? Have I in any way contributed to this issue, perhaps without being aware of it? Is there anything about this issue that might reflect something I don't want to look at within me?

• If you are feeling critical or judgmental about your partner's behavior, step back for a moment and see if you can come up with alternative explanations for that behavior—ones that are less critical.

• If you need to say something, this is a helpful formula to use: When you...(describe behavior in neutral terms), I feel...(describe feelings without blaming), and I would like to ask that you...(make your request about a concrete behavioral change).
  

8. Give understanding.

Just as you deserve understanding and support, your partner does, too, and it does help to feel understood. Try to see the situation from her perspective, especially when you are in conflict.

9. Acknowledge your partner's feelings.

You don't have to agree with someone to acknowledge and understand how they feel.

10. Give your partner lots of appreciation.

Let your partner know how much you love her and why.

11. Accept your partner the way she is.

This doesn't mean that you don't ask her/him for behavioral changes, or that you accept, for example, being yelled at. It just means that you accept your partner as a person, and believe in her good intentions. Contrary to popular belief, really accepting someone brings out the best in them.

12. Don't make sweeping generalizations.

No matter how tempting, try not to make sweeping generalizations like "You never...," "You are always...," "You are such a...." Besides the fact that they are not true (no one does the same thing all the time, in every situation), they are hurtful statements that leave people feeling bad about themselves, and can feed into a lack of motivation for change. "If I never do anything right, why bother?"

13. Have complaint sessions.

Sometimes couples build up resentments that need airing. It can help to have a "complaint session." One person starts by saying all the things that are bothering her, while their partner listens and encourages them to continue by saying, "what else?" Sometimes by delving deeper, the one who is complaining realizes that there's more to the complaints than what she originally thought. The one complaining may start out angry but often will soften, and become more aware of what is really bothering her, and what she needs. The listener's job is to listen, without comment, and to try not to take it personally. What you are hearing is an indication of how frustrated or angry your partner is right now. Keep in mind that it's not all about you, even if most of the anger is being directed at you. You can switch roles when the first person is done, or at a later time.

14. Take time out.

When a conflict is not going anywhere, it can help to take some time away from your partner. Couples usually make up rules about time out, such as don't leave the house, and having a set amount of time for the time out, like 30 minutes, before checking back in with each other about whether or not they can continue the discussion. In cars, time out can just mean that no one talks for a set amount of time. Either partner can call time out, and it should mean immediate silence for an agreed-upon time. It is always better to have the amount of time set prior to an argument, or you will argue about that! Some couples don't set a specific amount of time, but remain silent for a while, and when they have calmed down enough to feel compassion, they check in with each other about their mutual readiness to continue the conversation or to let it go for now.

15. Listen carefully.

If your partner is trying to tell you something and you don't understand, listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, check out what you think they are saying, and keep trying to understand. Many arguments arise from our not really listening to each other, or assuming that we know what the other person is saying without checking it out first. It is always best to check that you understood the other person correctly.

Of course, you won't be able to follow these guidelines one hundred percent of the time, and that's okay; no one can. But if you want your relationship to be based on respect, compassion, and clear communication, it's a good idea to try to follow these guidelines or others that work for you, as much as possible.