Recently Published Butch Femme Study

Recently, Dr. Esther Rothblum published a study on butch/femme in The British Psychological Society's Psychology of Sexualities Review. The study and published article was named, "The complexity of Butch and Femme among sexual minority women in the 21st century." It was based on lesbian and bisexual women in their 20s to 60s, in rural and urban settings across the US, from diverse ethnic and racial groups. The sample was about equally divided into those who identified as butch, those who identified as femme, and those who did not identify specifically as either. The project focused on these women's understanding of butch/femme, and whether they found the terms butch or femme to be useful or representative.

Dr. Esther D. Rothblum is a Professor of Women’s Studies at San Diego State University and editor of the Journal of Lesbian Studies. Her research and writing have focused on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender relationships and mental health, and she has edited over 20 books.

Click here to read the full published study.

Top Hot Butches of 2009

Sinclair Sexsmith, the “kinky queer butch top” behind Sugarbutch Chronicles and the editor of Queer Eye Candy, has launched TopHotButches.com, a top 100 list in the spirit of AfterEllen.com’s Hot 100 and GO Magazine’s Women We Love, focusing on transmasculine queer people of all kinds – butch, tomboy, androgynous, masculine, AG, stud, dykes, queers, and transmen.

“There is a serious lack of transmasculine representation in mainstream lesbian culture,” Sexsmith said. “Even in queer-focused top 100 lists, masculine women and transguys are rarely included. This does damage in two ways: 1. it implies that the attractiveness and desirability of lesbians is based on the heteronormative gender role assumptions of femininity, and 2. it excludes two large groups – dykes who are attracted to transmasculine women and trans men, and the transmasculine women and transmen ourselves. Where are our desires on these lists? Once again we are rendered other, strange, deviant, not attractive. This list attempts to fill in that hole.”

The project features photographs and links for all the 100 people on the list, and profiles for the top 10. There is even an “honorable mention” category, with more than a dozen more names.

“I thought it would be hard to get 100,” Sexsmith said, “I thought, maybe we can get 50. But I had so many suggestions, and I had more names than I could fit on the list. There are more of us out there in culture than one might think.”

The list includes predominantly musicians, comics, actors, and writers, but there is a wide variety of professions represented, from athletes and tattoo artists to political activists, radio show hosts, and porn stars.

Sexsmith, along with a panel of 5 judges, chose the 100 Hotest Butches from a list of 130 androgynous, masculine, transmasculine, AG, stud, genderqueer, transgender, and butch folks. The decisions were based on a mixture of how intellectually or emotionally stimulated the panel was the candidates work, as well as what they do in their lives and who they are as people.

“Diversity was important in picking the final list, and in the order of the list. Not just profession, but also ethnicity, age, geography, and body size. I wanted a wide range of masculinities in this project, to show how many various ways female masculinity and trans masculinity manifest,” said Sexsmith. “It was also important to me to include trans men, as much as it might seem to be in conflict with the title of the project, because trans men are a significant part of this community, and have been a serious force behind the re-visioning the gender and masculinity in gender activism in recent years.”

The Top Hot Butches project may continue annually. Visit TopHotButches.com to see the full list, photographs, profiles, links, and further information about the project.

Monogamy: Is She My One and Only? Secrets to Compatibility in Lesbian Relationships

By Susan Adams, Founder of Lavender Liaisons

After decades of matchmaking experience, and years of living and loving within Our Community, I have found the secrets to successful, functional, monogamous lesbian relationships.

Begin by stating your honest relationship intentions. If you truly crave a monogamous relationship, then say so, and let your actions reflect your desires. It's duplicitous and hurtful to say you want monogamy and then date a different woman nightly, or spend your weekends in a singles bar. If you desire diversity in dating, state that as well. Be honest about your intentions regarding yourself and your partner.

Resist the sex dance until further exploration! Discover each other slowly and determine your compatibility, before getting swept away by sensuality. The more cautious your approach, the better your chances of a successful, long-term, monogamous relationship.

Develop exceptional communication and negotiation skills. A relationship is all about enjoyable compromise. Learn to ask for what you want! As women, so many of us get stuck 'giving and hoping' and don't relax and receive love. Others become self-consumed and believe that as long as their needs are being met, then all is fine with their partners—which is not typically the case. Learn to ask the right questions to determine that your partner is getting her needs met too. Compromise and communicate.

Outline your deal breakers from the beginning and discuss them. The most common are: drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, jealousy, trust issues, and controlling behavior which is also a by-product of trust issues. Determine your own list of deal breakers. What do you absolutely need in a relationship and what will you not tolerate? Make your list, discuss it and stick to it.

Let go of your painful past. Don't carry your war wounds into your new relationship. We all have baggage, everyone does, if you say you don't, then you haven't lived. Dragging yesterday's pain into today's relationship could be toxic. Give your new relationship a chance! Don't sabotage it before it blossoms.

Overcome jealousy and insecurity. Jealousy is a by-product of insecurity. Some of us are more secure than others. If your new partner is insecure then take the time to discuss this and reassure her. Jealousy will poison any healthy relationship. It tells your partner "You don't trust me." How can you build a relationship without mutual trust?

Another important factor in lesbian compatibility is type alignment. How do you define yourself? Are you a hardcore butch or butch-lite? Lipstick femme, sporty femme or androgynous? Or do you prefer not to be typed? Discover who you are, and who attracts you, and then align yourself with your compatible counterpart. Have that honest conversation at the beginning of the relationship and save months of struggle and ultimate heartache by trying to align incompatibilities.

With many lesbians, the initial approach is the most difficult. How do you approach someone attractive and risk rejection? Some of you are shy. For others, it's too uncomfortable—the fear of rejection is daunting and you don't try. Or you keep choosing the same type of woman—the type that is not healthy for the long term.

Once you are provided with an exciting introduction, or muster up the courage to introduce yourself, make the most of it!

Now that you know the secrets, utilize them! Ensure compatibility, state your honest intentions, resist the initial sex dance, communicate and compromise, don't tolerate jealousy, alcoholism or drug abuse. Leave your painful past behind, discover yourself and align with your most compatible companion. Then embrace her, enjoy her, love her and she'll adore and love you!

About the Author
Susan Adams, founder and CEO of Lavender Liaisons has 20 years of matchmaking experience. Having successfully arranged a host of marriages and hundreds of relationships, Susan's experience and personalized approach has made Lavender Liaisons the most flourishing lesbian matchmaking company in the San Francisco Bay Area.

She created it with the vision, and the goal, to reinvent the common practice of matchmaking, and cater it to the lesbian community. Her service is dedicated to women of courage, caliber, and commitment. Lavender Liaisons is a customized personalized service whose mission is to provide lesbians with a safe place to share their stories, be understood, celebrate each other and fall in love. www.lavenderliaisons.com

Butch Voices 2009 Conference

Calling all self identified Butches, Studs, Aggressives and their Allies for the first Annual Butch Voices Conference!

Butch Voices are a group of openminded, gender-bending social justice activists who share a commitment to critical thinking and a common goal of building a powerful, inclusive community for us all.

The conference will take place from August 20 - August 23, 2009 in Oakland, California and will include workshops, panels, and performances, all intended to reflect the diversity and complexity of Butch gender, identity, and action.

This conference will be a great opportunity for Butches to speak, both to one another and to their allies. To talk about why they identify the way they do; about how they can tell their stories when the words available don’t always fit; about masculinity and maleness, femininity and femaleness, areas of overlap; about sex and embodiment; about community and about placelessness; about homelessness and about the search for home.

For more information about the conference, check out Butch Voices Website.


Call for Submissions

Submissions of all kinds are welcome, though they especially welcome those that grapple with difficult questions such as:

• Desire and relationships
• Various “border wars” (and what we can do about them)
• Drag, passing, and failing to pass
• Misogyny
• Penis envy (or our lack thereof)
• Community-building
• Race
• Class
• Trans-generational dialogue
• Culture, faith, and nation.

They particularly encourage proposals by and for people of color, working-class people, and people with disabilities. They hope to draw participants from across disciplinary, social, and formal boundaries. Relevant proposals from non-Butch, Stud, or Aggressive presenters and Allies are also welcome.

Contributions may include, but are not limited to:
• Workshops
• Performances
• Presentations
• Skill shares
• Photography/ visual art
• Video

Click Submissions for more info and to send us your proposals. Submission deadline is May 1, 2009.

Registration
Registration is open, and early bird pricing is available. As well as reduced rates for volunteers. Register to get your spot reserved as pricing goes up June 1st, so take advantage of the reduced rates now.

Host Hotel
Be sure to reserve your room at the host hotel for the Butch Voices conference as well -- the Oakland Marriott City Center. Most activities will be housed in the host hotel and it's location in downtown Oakland is close to many nearby restaurants and the BART is right across the street. The cut off date for this is July 31st, so be sure to book your room today.

Photo Project
They have an ongoing photo project as well showcasing the diversity present within our communities regardless of race, ethnicity, sex, sexuality, ability, size, surgeries, age, hair style, or presentation. They aim to turn these differences/ dividers into bridges to unite our voices as a collective while still celebrating that which makes us unique. Check out the BV Photo Project to add your image to the group, check out some eye candy, or both!


Video Contest

Check out the BV Video Contest where you could create a video and win a free trip to the conference! Submission deadline is May 1, 2009.


Fundraisers
They are planning on doing fundraisers for Butch Voices as well. As both a way to connect people who are Butch, Stud, AG identified with each other as well as create connections with allies and raise funds for the organization and our scholarship program.

Our first is scheduled for Brooklyn on Saturday May 9th at Re/dress 109 Boreum Place Brooklyn, NY.

There will be a headliner performance by Nedra Johnson, a fashion show, Butch trivia with prizes and other Butch-based mayhem. They will be taking over the red hot space (well actually it's pale yellow but you know what I mean) at Re/dress in Brooklyn, thanks to the generosity of Deb Malkin.

Event info

If you're interested in performing or participating in the NYC fashion show/performance hit up Kelli at Kelli@kellidunham. com

Things are in the works for a kick ass fundraiser in Oakland as well. Details to follow. They are also looking to have other cities involved including Portland, Seattle, Austin, Dallas, and Atlanta. Be sure to contact butchvoices@ gmail.com if you're interested in helping to organize or be a part of these events.

Sappho's Guide to Dangerous Women

I found this lesbian guide online today and thought I would share it, I hope you find it as entertaining as I did...

Much has been written about heterosexual dating, and how to avoid opposite-sex partners who would be wrong for you. No one seems to have done this service for women who love women. It must be admitted that not all women, even lesbians are perfect. Although responsible, loving lesbians can be found anywhere, the following list of eight less-than-perfect types is offered in the hope of helping lesbians avoid unnecessary disasters.

The Prima Donna, or Queen Bee
This type is easy to spot. She appears in her strapless gown amid the denim jackets of the local lesbian hangout, expecting someone to take her coat (mink, paid for by her last lover) & fetch her a drink. The lady does not like to be kept waiting.

The Prima Donna is usually gorgeous, otherwise her tactics would not work. She may be a true lesbian, contrary to speculation, but is often bisexual or ever straight. Her sexuality is not of major importance, because what she wants is power, not sex or emotional involvement. She will use her helplessness as a divide to get things done for her, but she is a survivor who can be surprisingly tough. She is rarely grateful to the generous, love struck dyke who supports her/pays for her divorce/protects her from men & other women/drives her to the shopping mall/listens to her complaints. The best way to discourage this tendency is to look the offender in the eye (if necessary, use a mirror), and say something like, "Do it yourself"

The Cool Butch
This is the Lesbian Nations answer to the Fonz, and she expects to be treated accordingly. When she wants you, she'll whistle. More often, she waits to be approached by someone who finds her aloofness challenging.

In some cases, Ms Cool is married to her career, in some cases she likes one night stands or multiple (shallow) relationships, and in most cases she points out that she never promised you anything. When she tires of the game (hers not yours) she calmly walks away, wiping your tears off her shirt.

Underneath the calm exterior, this woman is terrified of commitment & self-revelation. The Cool Butch knows that others will read into her slightly sarcastic expression whatever they like, and she does not want to spoil the illusion. The best way to start melting her cool is to ask questions & demand answers. (if necessary carry on this dialog in your head). If you drive this woman away you have diverted an Ice Age in your life.

The Hot Butch
She is aggressive, possessive, touchy, unpredictable & unfair. She can be charming or funny in a good mood but the wrong word can change her into a snarling tigress. She has probably been thrown out of the local lesbian hangout at least once for socking someone in the jaw, though she insists this was not her fault (she was provoked). She has no tolerance for criticism & no understanding of other people's moods. If a negative remark does not arouse her wrath, it makes her cry. If she falls in love with you (and when she falls, she falls) expect candlelit suppers presents that put her in debt & demands for reassurance that you will also love her forever. This phase lasts up to two weeks, or until your first big fight.

The Hot Butch is an overgrown child who wants attention & power, so walk away from her scenes-if you can pry her hands off your collar (Don't hesitate to ask the bouncer for help). When you are the one seething with sudden, intense feeling, whether love-at-first-sight or righteous rage, take a deep breath, a little common sense can prevent a lot of regret later on.

The Celebrity
You are likely to encounter this personage when your friends whisper "that's her," pointing to the most noticeable woman at the party or bar. She wears shades for anonymity, but is surrounded by fans. She is the only local lesbian musician who has national exposure, or she has written a novel ( about people she knows, thinly disguised) has had a one woman show at the local art gallery. Or she expects success in the near future but hasn't been published, exhibited, discovers yet.

Whether or not the Celebrity is really on her way to the top, expect to take 2nd or 3rd place in her life. Her work & ego come first. In some cases, she likes to buy status symbols now in the hope of paying for them later. (She will usually let you help her with this.)

If you become her mate, you will take care of all the domestic details she is too busy for, and worship her most of the time, especially in public. What she really wants is a combination wife & manager. If you object, she will point out that you can be replaced.

Not all famous lesbians are or have been "Celebrity" types. If you meet the woman, described above, resist the urge to throw yourself at her feet; she might not be as talented as she wants you to think. Remember that every woman has her own dream, and you don't have to sacrifice yours for hers.

The Tramp
You might not recognize this woman until too late. In time, you discover she had a troubled youth. She was adopted, unwanted or naturally rebellious, and her folks were straight laced. She came out, ran away, dropped out of school, became addicted to uppers/downers/heroin/glue/alcohol/junk food & fell into bad company (not necessarily in that order). She is a walking grade B movie & her theme song is "I'm just looking for love"

If she gets sympathy from you, you'll hear more true confessions: She gave her baby for adoption, her parents/pimp/lover used to beat her, she has a jail record, even though she was frames, or she only committed the crime to support herself or her habit or to help a friend or for justified revenge (see Hot Butch).

The tramp feels persecuted & misunderstood. She needs your support, emotional & financial. She claims you can help her sober up, go back to school, get a job & earn the respect of people who did all those things without help. A Tramp will not move unless pushed, especially if she has lucked into your support. She will wear out your sympathy, your bank account & your reputation before she will make a serious effort to change her life.

Hard as it is, the only way to save yourself from a Tramp is to be ruthless. Threaten to call the police if she doesn't leave you alone. (They know her well). Ignore her threats & don't deal with her friends.

If you're a Tramp, you need services no other woman can provide. You must decide who controls your life (You). Once you know what you want, go to the appropriate institution or social services agency, state your case, find out what you have to do, and do it. Only when you are on your way to where you want to be (you are not obligated to go straight) will you be able to form a mutual relationship with another adult.
The Politically Correct Lesbian Feminist
She is impressive, well-read, intelligent, politically committed & of sound conscience. ... What could be wrong?... You could.

Ms Politically Correct asks why she didn't see you at the latest demonstration for women's rights & will not except you explanation (your mother was dying) as an adequate excuse. She does not drink, smoke or eat meat & disapproves of people who do. She strongly disapproves of males, including your brother or your son. Whatever you wear is too feminine or too male identified for her taste, is made of cancer causing synthetic fibres produced in a Third World country by oppressed workers. You get the message.

Of course not all lesbian feminists fit this description, but a little raised consciousness can be a dangerous thing if it makes a woman feel superior to her sisters. Check yourself periodically for intolerance. If another lesbian feminist tries to revise your lifestyle, stop her as firmly as you would stop a non-feminist ( or a non-lesbian non-woman)

The Tease
She points out that she only wants your friendship, then gives you a sisterly kiss on the lips ... for ten minutes. She tells you she hopes you'll find the right woman soon, then describes they type of woman she wants to spend the rest of her life with - who sounds remarkably like you.

Unfortunately, teasing is one of the standard Games Lesbian Play because turning someone on & keeping her off-guard are both power trips. If single, the tease likes to keep several potential lovers dangling until she makes up her mind, which might never happen. If she is involved with someone, she wants to keep you on hand as an insurance policy in case her primary relationship falls through.

Your only hope is to make up your own mind. If you want a sexual relationship with her, phrase your request as an ultimatum. If you lose her altogether as a result, at least you won't be teased anymore. If you decide she is too unstable to make a trustworthy mate, refuse to waltz to her tune. If you are the Tease; make up your mind & make yourself clear to whom it may concern.

The Haunted Woman
This woman can't see you clearly because she is still gazing into her unforgettable past. The Haunted Woman is recovering from her last affair, or yearning for a fantasy figure who was never available to her, because fantasies are easier to control than reality. Expect to hear all about the love of her life. You will probably be addressed by several names, none of them yours. Either the memorable girlfriend was a saint among dykes (You'll be found lacking) or as a fiend who ruined the Haunted Woman's life, in which case she will take out the pain on you, treating you as she was treated (or believed she was treated which is worse). When you meet a woman who can't stop talking about a past relationship, try to change the subject & let her know your real name. If all ease fails, leave her before she becomes a regrettable item in your past.

If you are a Haunted Woman, stop watching reruns & hoping for impossible comebacks. You can never forget the past, but remember that a lifetime of possibilities lies ahead of you.

In general, insist on honesty in yourself & the women you meet will weed out the games players described above. Abusive games are based on fear, so an open, courageous approach to life is the antidote to abuse. If life's journey has brought you to the Lesbian Nation, you have already come to far to retreat into the no-win roles traditionally offered to women, and so have all your sisters.

From the Guide to Gracious Lesbian Living, Lilith Publications Inc.

Transgender & Gender Queer 101

Article from Gendercrash.com

Transgender

Transgender is the common umbrella term for people who transgress gender norms or cross society's idea of gender lines. Transgender folks can identify their sexual orientation as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Transgender is about gender identity and gender expression not sexual orientation.

Gender- Self-expression, performance, actions, behavior, dress, grooming of culturally prescribed norms based on binary of male and female.

Gender Identity - Inner sense of ‘being’ male or female, both, or neither, includes sense of self and one’s image presented to the world. Self-identification.

Gender Binary System - Culturally defined code of acceptable behavior only for 2 gender system of male/female. Men/boys are to exhibit masculine gender presentation, behaviors, and social roles. Women/girls are to exhibit feminine gender presentation, behaviors, and social roles.

Assigned Sex/Gender -Based on physical anatomy of genitalia.

The Transgender community includes, but not limited to the following labels and identities:

Transexual

MTF (male to female) transsexual woman- person born/ Assigned Gender at birth as male/boy transitions to live and identify full time as female/woman

FTM (female to male) transsexual man- person born/ Assigned Gender at birth as female/girl transitions to live and identify full time as male/man

Live Full Time- to live and identify in the gender they have transitioned to or self identify as, may or may not use medical intervention such as hormones or sex reassignment surgery (SRS) depending on financial ability, health, and access, but does do a socail transistion and identify and live as the “opposite” the gender they were born. Social transistion can include changing name (legally or through common usage), dressing in clothing of gender they identify with and using pronouns of gender they identify with. Sexual orientation may or may not change with the person’s transition and transsexuals can be heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Other identities under the Transgender umbrella:

Cross Dresser- person who wears clothing opposite their assigned gender, usually not all the time. Does not identify as the opposite gender identity. Example, men who wear what we consider to be women's clothing and women who wear traditionally male attire.
* Why cross-dress? This varies and can include playfulness (i.e., performance), sexual pleasure, or feelings of comfort and relaxation. Some describe feelings of relief when cross-dressed as the pressures associated with their gender role are shed with the clothing. identify as cross-dressers may question their gender role or gender expression (how they are "supposed" to appear or act), but not their gender identity. They generally do not want to live as the opposite gender; in other words, most male cross-dressers identify as male, are comfortable being male, and do not want to change that.
* Adapted from Making Women's Shelters Accessible to Transgendered Women Allison Cope & Julie Darke October 1999

Drag Queen- person, sometimes gay men, impersonating famous females, usually for performance also called female illusionists.

Drag King- person, sometimes lesbians, impersonating famous males, usually for performance

*GENDER NON-CONFORMING PEOPLE “Gender non-conforming” refers to people whose gender expressions do not match stereotypes of how girls/women or boys/men are “supposed to” look and act. In reality, most people in general don’t meet all gender expectations and stereotypes either; almost nobody is perfectly masculine or perfectly feminine. The reason gender nonconforming people are included in the list of transgender people is that there are some people who identify as transgender, but are not transitioning gender, and do not consider themselves cross-dressers, androgynous, or genderqueer.
* Adapted from TRANSITIONING OUR SHELTERS

GenderQueer

GenderQueer term started to come into use in approximately the late 1990’s. It has been associated with primarily youth communities and those who are white and where born female and are now along the masculine spectrum, but there are many folks along the age and race/ethnic spectrum that use it to describe themselves and also those who where born male and are along the feminine spectrum. Has also been written as Gender Queer or Genderqueer.

Current working definition:

GenderQueer: those who identify their gender outside the gender binary system of male and female, maybe fluid with gender presentation or not conform to gender stereotypes and may use gender neutral pronouns such as “sie, hir, hir, hirs, hirself” or "zie, zir, zir, zirs, zirself" or choose to use the pronoun closest to the end of the masculine or feminine spectrum they are presenting. Some may do some or all of medical transition or none at all. Some may change their birth name. It is also used by some to describe both their gender identity and their sexuality as queer.

Other terms that gender non-conforming or those who have gender identities outside the binary gender system are boy dyke, dyke boy, boi, and by some youth in communities of color are femme queens, butch boi, or drags.

Intersex (is not a transgender identity)
*intersexuality is a set of medical conditions that features "congenital anomaly of the reproductive and sexual system." That is, a person with an intersex condition is born with sex chromosomes, external genitalia, or an internal reproductive system that is not considered "standard" for either male or female.
*Adapted from “Introduction to intersex activism” from Intersex Society of North America www.isna.org

What Do Butches Want?

So have you ever heard the name Felice Newman? Maybe you've heard of her book, “Whole Lesbian Sex?,” ringing any bells yet? Well, Felice Newman is a sex educator and certified Somatic Coach, as well as the author of The whole lesbian sex book: A passionate Guide for all of us. And yes, I do have my very own copy…it lives right under my bed and gets pulled out from time -to-time when I am feeling creative and...umm...well... I digress…

Anyway, Ms Newman has written many amazing and educational articles and I thought it might be fun to share one of my favorite articles with you. And if your wondering what exactly I like about these articles, I guess it's the fact that she holds nothing back...she doesn't beat around the bush (no pun intended), she just comes right out and says it all!!! Oh, and this is definitely for "Mature" audiences...okay, maybe I shouldn't say mature, how about I just say 18 and over???


Author Felice Newman

Butches, bois, stone butches. A sexy brew of masculinity in a female body. Do they, well, you know, get fucked? Heels in the air or on their knees, do butches give it up? And if they don't, what do they like?

That was the question a femme, newly smitten with her first butch partner, asked me recently: "What do butches want?"

Many butches like strap-on sex. Some like clitoral stimulation and some like cunnilingus. Others like rimming and anal penetration. And yes, some butches like getting fucked vaginally.

If getting a partner off is central to lesbian sex, it's paramount to butch sex. Often what a butch wants most is to drive a silicone dildo – or fingers or a hand – into the place that will please a partner most – cunt, asshole, or mouth. When your butch is bringing you to orgasm, her body becomes a conduit for sexual energy.

Of course, let's not assume your butch requires direct genital stimulation to get off.

Just the visuals of that dildo thrusting in and out of you may be enough to push your butch over the edge. The base of the dildo rubbing against her clit (perhaps with the help of a well-placed egg vibe) may provide the stimulation she needs. Many butches slip a hand under their harness and take care of themselves.

The real question is this: Is there something wrong with a partner who doesn't want you paying attention to her genitals. Is that a hurdle to be overcome or a preference, thank you very much?

Don't assume that every stone needs to be melted. That butch's sexuality is her business. For some, it is indeed a preference. Others may go to great lengths to explore the source of their disinclination to receiving touch, much less vaginal penetration. They may examine all the nooks and crannies of their histories and turn every rock in their psychic gardens. They can work through past trauma and come to terms with gender dysphoria. And then decide – you know what? – it was a preference all along. Not everyone wants to get fucked.

But some do. Some butches want to explore receptive sex. It's an individual choice. If a butch decides she wants to explore receptivity, there are many ways to go about that. (For starters, it helps to have a partner who accepts her exactly as she is.) Here are some suggestions:

Femmes, don't run out and buy a sparkly red patent leather strap-on. Take it slow.

Butches, bust your own myths. Many butches believe that "real" butches don't get penetrated. ("Well, maybe in the ass. But if you eroticize your female genitals, you're not really butch.") Not true.

By opening up the subject with your partner, you, as the butch, are not agreeing to give up your identity or your lifelong sexual practices. It's just a conversation. You don't have to change a thing.

Don't conflate receptivity with "bottoming." If you're into power play, you can construe a scene where the butch "orders" the femme to "service" her.

In any case, the butch directs the action, deciding how far to go and when to quit – no judgments.

Receptivity is an energetic quality that can be cultivated – it isn't necessarily about who's doing what to whom. In fact, you can be stone through and through and be receptive. How? Well, you can be open and inviting of the pleasures of the senses rather than closed or defended.

So what do butches want? Well, a lot of things – a classic hand job or blow job. Your butch may put her heels in the air in her own rendition of Bend Over Boyfriend. She may even invite your fingers, hand, or mouth to explore her body inside and out. When she's packing for you, dear femme, she wants you spread before her, your body wrapped around her sex. However that butch likes to get off is good – because that truly is what she wants.


Felice Newman is a founding publisher of Cleis Press and the author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us.

A bit of Lesbian Terminology

I was reading some lesbian articles over the weekend and came across some interesting lesbian terminology. I was so entertained by some of these words and definitions that I started to do a bit more research on the subject. I was amazed to find how many different lesbian terms/slang that I had never heard of before.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to put together a list of various lesbian terms and definitions for my blog, you never know, you might just learn something new. Oh, and if I missed any, which is very likely, then send me an email and I will add them to my list.


Lesbian Terminology

Androgynous
A lesbian who is neither masculine nor feminine in appearance or behavior. Universally known as Unisex.

Baby Dyke
A young butch or soft butchunder the age of 25.

Blue Jean Femme
A Blue Jean Femme is a lesbian who identifies as femme but prefers jeans and more casual clothing to dresses and skirts.

Boston Marriage
Old fashioned term describing two unmarried women who shared a house together. Origins: This originates from the nineteenth century when it was acceptable for two unmarried women to share a house together. As to how many of these women were lesbians is unknown.

Bulldyke
Incredibly masculine lesbian.
Origins: This supports the theory that dyke originates from the Celtic language as Queen Boudicca was around at the time and she was known for being an incredibly powerful woman.

Butch
Used to describe a lesbian who is masculine in appearance and outlook. Often relates to the way she dresses, the hairstyle, the shoes she wears etc.
Origins: Some say it comes from 1930's America from Butch, a strong and popular man's name of that time. Others believe it stems from the 1950's when both in the UK and USA working class lesbian couples dressed as one masculine and one feminine, whilst the middle class preferred to hide behind their feminine demeanor.

Chapstick Lesbian Another term for androgynous or Sporty Lesbian.
Origins: Introduced in the late 1990's to take on all those lipstick lesbians out there!

Dieseldyke
Once again this term means incredibly masculine lesbian, particularly those that drive heavy equipment and trucks.

Dyke
Another term for butch. Originally used as disparaging term for a lesbian.
Origins: This may have originated from the Celtic language, or possibly from the slang word dike used in the nineteenth century, which means male clothing. This term is widely accepted in lesbian circles but if a straight person were to call you a dyke this is thought to be offensive!

Dykon
A lesbian icon, such as kd lang, Melissa Etheridge, or Ellen Degeneres

Earthy-crunchy dyke/Granola Lesbian
A lesbian who is usually vegetarian and usually either New Age or Neopagan and has a She is often considered an earth-mother type and tends to wear Birkenstocks.

Femme
A lesbian who dresses in a feminine nature and has a feminine manner. Femmes are said to prefer skirts, flouncy clothes, makeup, and spending inconceivable amounts on their hair. (Not always true). They are the opposites of butch.
Origins: This originates from the same time as when the term butch became popular in the 1950's where lesbians were forced to choose which way they would dress in bars, or the working class lesbian couples chose to dress that way.

Gaysia
A gay Asian female.

Glamour butch
A butch who likes to wear fancy suits, tuxedos, etc, frequently.

Gold-star lesbian
A lesbian who never has and never intends to have sex with a man. Sometimes they also get points for never sleeping with bisexuals.

Grrl
A lesbian who's too old to be a baby dyke, but still fairly young and is usually a soft butch.

Gynaeotrope
Another term for Lesbian. The term was suggested in 1946 by Kurt Hiller because of what he considered to negative connotations of "lesbian" (or "homosexual") but the term never caught on.

High Femme
A lesbian who expresses the cultural norm for ultra-femininity - makeup, dresses, heels, hair, nails. May not identify as a lesbian if her desires are exclusively for Stone Butches and FtM's.

Lesbian Bed Death
This is a term invented by sex researcher Pepper Schwartz to describe the supposedly inevitable diminishment of sexual passion in long term lesbian relationships. The term is sometimes used to refer to diminished sexual activity in any long term relationship.

Lipstick Lesbian
Another term for femme. However it can also mean feminine women who are attracted to other feminine women.
Origins: This is a slang term introduced in the late 1990's.

Low femme
A femme lesbian who is, perhaps, not quite so stereotypically feminine as a high femme, usually preferring jeans and a blouse or t-shirt to skirts for everyday. Also known as a Blue Jean Femme.

LP
Lesbian Potential, used when playing spot-the-queers in public places, as in "she's got high LP"

ManDyke
A masculine woman of any orientation. Another definition is a woman who takes a male cultural role while not necessarily passing as male.

Mama Bear
A female police officer or security guard.

Pan Sexual
One who exhibits or suggests a sexuality that has many different forms, objects, and outlets. One who exhibits many forms of sexual expression.

Pillow Princess
A lesbian who is unwilling or uninterested in reciprocating sex.

Poppa
Any lesbian under the age of consent.

Queer
Queer was originally a derogatory term used to taunt and mock anyone who was not heterosexual or who did not conform to or uphold society's gender expectations. Now queer has been reclaimed by much of the LGBTQ community as an umbrella term referring to sexual orientations and identities (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning) that fall outside of the mainstream. It can also express a conscious desire to challenge the societal norm.

Sapphism
Another term for lesbianism
Origins: Direct origination from the poet Sappho who wrote love sonnets to and about women.

Saturday Night Butch
A term from the 1950s and 60s, when butch/femme was the norm in lesbian bars, this means that a person was not a real butch, but only dressed up as a butch on the weekends.

Serial Monogamy
This is the way some lesbians choose to aviod the possibility of Lesbian Bed Death. Short but exclusive relationships, generally very passionate and intense. Sometimes seen by others as merely a way of avoiding intimacy.

Soft Butch
A soft butch is a lesbian whose appearance is usually more androgynous. She may dress and act in a masculine manner, but be soft and more feminine on the inside. Also, a soft butch can be someone who falls somewhere between butch and femme, but closer to the butch side.

Sport Dyke
A sport dyke is a lesbian, who more than anything, identifies with being an athlete. She may also dress in a manner that would give the impression she is an athlete, like baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans.

Stone Butch
Most masculine of the Butches. They may pass as male without actually trying. May identify as transgender, that is identifying outside of the gender usually associated with females and will often be seen as male by the outside world. Does all or most of the above in masculine gender expressions. May or may not be sexually aggressive. Will not be made love to as one would a "woman". Will derive sexual pleasure from pleasing partner and will not allow "womanly" genital touching or penetration. Usually will have questioned their gender at some time in their lives. Will not be comfortable with their female body. May think of Butch as a separate gender from man & woman.

Stone femme
A femme lesbian who never tries to flip or "melt" her Stone Butch. lover, but prefers to pleasure her lover by taking a passive role in sex. A second definition is a femme lesbian who does not like to be touched, much like a stone butch.

Strum Queen
Lesbian that likes masturbating in front of other lesbians.

Switch
one who is both a top and a bottom in the leather sense, and switches back and forth or one who is butch sometimes and femme sometimes, and andro sometimes.

Tomcat
An aggressive woman.

Tit King
A lesbian attracted to women with large breasts.

Transgender
A person who walks through life as another gender not associated with their birth sex; crosses cultural gender boundaries. May identify as a "female man" or "TransMan". Will be recognized at least part of the time by others as men.

Transsexual(FtM or TransMan)
A female born person who takes testosterone and/or has surgery to create a male looking physical body. May simply identify as a straight, gay or bisexual man depending on his desires or may feel his identity is simply "transman or FtM. Many live in "stealth mode" - that is, they live as men and not part of the queer community

Tween
One who is in between butch and femme, and can take on either role; a switch

Vagina Wig
(Yes, this term is from the L-Word Series) A vagina wig, also known as a merkin, (hence the Stacy Merkin reference) is exactly as the name implies, a wig worn over the pubic area. According to Wikipedia, merkins were worn by prostitutes beginning in the 1600s after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis.

Lesbian Online Dating Site List

Here is a list of different dating sites that are either lesbian only or include a lesbian search. This list is a work in progress, so if you notice any missing sites, please let me know. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences, opinions, or anything else you would like to share about any of these dating sites.

• butchfemmematchmaker.com


• curiouslove.com


• femmematch.com


• Gay.com


• GayLesbianIntroduction.com


• ldate.com


• lavenderwomynpersonals.com


• LesbianPersonals.com


• lesbotronic.com


• match.com


• pinkcupid.com


• pinksofa.com


• PlanetOut.com


• Planetsappho.com


• Tangowire.com


• womanonline.com


• womyn4womyn.com


• Yahoo Personals