The 3 BIGGEST Mistakes Newly Singles Make and How to Avoid Them!

By Larry James

Suddenly, it's clear to you now. The relationship is over! What are you going to do now?

Caution: Don't complicate your life by beginning to date too soon after a break-up. How soon is "too soon?" That will depend upon the circumstances of the breakup. Rule of thumb: Six months or more.

"Or more?" you say. Yes! Six months or more!

When you cut your finger. It takes time for the wound to heal. If the sharp edge cuts to the bone, it may take longer. A thorough healing of a broken heart takes time too.

The biggest mistakes that newly singles can make are things that most singles refuse to believe and, as a result, they soon find themselves experiencing the same relationships as in the past. It is an even bigger mistake to not acknowledge that these colossal blunders really are mistakes. Some of you may have made these mistakes more than once.

I know from personal experience that if you will evade these avoidable errors in judgment, ALL of your relationships will work better.

The biggest mistake that newly singles make is getting involved with someone else before the hurts of the past have healed.

Two closely related mistakes include not taking full responsibility for their share of the problems that caused the breakup in the first place and making sure that those issues are complete before beginning again.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and expecting a different result. Knowing your heart needs healing and refusing to do anything about it doesn't help prepare you for the next relationship. It only prolongs the agony.

How can you avoid these mistakes? By living solo for awhile.

Before you can successfully get involved with and have a "healthy" love relationship with someone else, you must first get involved with yourself!

When it comes to analyzing yourself, don't be an ostrich. Get your head out of the sand and take a loooooong look at what you did that may have contributed to the break-up and promise yourself that you will make some changes "prior" to your next relationship.

The time of real personal growth is when you are alone. Singles should use this time to reflect on the behaviors they did and didn't like in their former partner. Create a "romantic résumé" that lists their positive points and what you are looking for in your next mate.

It's time to experience how it feels to stand on your own; taking care of you, paying special attention to who you need to become to attract a passionately monogamous, infidelity-free, fun in the bedroom relationship. You must learn to stand alone again before you can again stand together. . . side by side.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't date, it only means, that when you decide to date, you must resist the urge to become intimately involved with anyone else too soon. This is easier when you date lots of people. Don't grab the first one that comes along. Play the field. Make "having FUN" your only priority.

It requires a lot of effort to be in a healthy love relationship with someone else. You don't need to expend the additional energy it will take to do that AND work on fully recovering from your last relationship at the same time. That's just not smart. When you strain a muscle, good doctors will insist that you give it a rest if you want it to heal. That's smart. Give a monogamous, committed relationship with someone else a rest for now.

Broken relationships take time to heal. The relationship I am talking about is the broken relationship you have with yourself. Not only must you know this, you must acknowledge that there is a problem that needs repair before the healing can begin.

We seem to drift around, not knowing what to do, blaming our ex, our mother- in-law, the cat, everyone but the real culprit.

If you want to know what the problem is in your relationships, it's very simple. Look into the mirror. There it is! You must muster the courage to look the problem straight in the eye and declare your independence from it. It's time to take responsibility for who you are, what you do, how you think, who you date. . . everything.

The most important relationship to you right now is the one you have with you! Rebuilding a relationship with yourself must be your highest priority. This significant first step must occur before you can be who you need to be in another healthy love relationship with someone else. For the time being, spend lots of time working on preparing for love - the love that you will share with someone else in the future.

The problem with moving too quickly to the next relationship is that there needs to be a cooling off period; that time when you begin to look at the real problem and start making some new choices about shedding all of the baggage of the last relationship.

Reinvent a healthy relationship with you! Rediscover who you are! Take some time for yourself. Feel the pain. Acknowledge it. Feel it and know that it is only and always your choice to feel that way. Then do something different! In time, as you begin to acknowledge the mistakes you have made in the past and MOST important, accept responsibility for your share of the problem that caused the breakup, the hurts of the past will begin to heal.

If you also make a conscious decision to resolve not to allow those same problems to happen again, you will begin to feel better about yourself and the pain will ease. In time, you will look back and wonder how you could have let something like that happen to you. You will also wonder how you could have allowed yourself to feel the way you feel right now. You will look back in disappointment. You will be proud that you no longer will allow yourself to grovel in self pity and pain like you did in the past.

Part of the healing is acknowledging that there were indeed problems that you were responsible for. Knowing that is not enough. DOING something different is! For now, working on you is the first key to unlocking a future chock full of infinite possibilities. Whatever you want, wants you too.

It is now time to STOP blaming someone else for the misery you are creating for yourself. It's time to forgive them so the hurt will heal. Nothing is unforgivable. That is only and always your choice too.

The hurts won't heal until you will allow yourself to forgive.

I suppose the real question is: Just how long do you want to feel the way you feel right now?

If you think that he or she was solely responsible because of what they did or didn't do, then you are missing the point. It's time to let go of that and focus on taking full responsibility for the choices that are available to you right now. Blaming others will only and always keep you stuck right where you are.

It will take a new discipline to do this. Can you do it? You must understand that the pain you feel right now is only temporary. Medical science has yet to prove that anyone has ever died from a broken heart. Broken hearts can mend. It takes time and you must do the work. You can do it! And you will do it when the desire to feel better about yourself again becomes stronger than the benefits of holding on to a past that obviously didn't work.

It takes no strength to let go, only courage.

Let the healing begin.

Thriving After a Breakup

By Judy Kinney

How to Deliberately Create Your Life After Your Relationship Changes

The Law of Attraction is a phenomenally powerful resource that is available to ALL of us! You may have seen the movies, “The Secret”, and “What the Bleep”, that helped popularize the Law of Attraction concepts that, our thoughts create our reality. This article explores how your answers to three questions can guide you to increased sense of peace and freedom after your relationship with a lover or partner changes.

Let’s start with a quick review of how the Law of Attraction works.

Everything within the universe is comprised of energy.

Energy interacts dynamically with itself, and like a magnet, attracts that which is similar. In practical terms, the universe is always agreeing with you and the thoughts and feelings you radiate. The formula for deliberate creation is simple:

Your Desire + Your Energy Alignment = The Life You Desire

Your ongoing answers to three essential questions can tap into your desires and support your energy alignment after your break up.

1. What do I want?
   A key point of the Law of Attraction is that whatever you focus on expands. Since focusing on what you like brings more of it to your life, feel free to dive into your desires.
   
   Yes, begin with what you want. It is our nature to continually notice and evolve toward our desires. So, please, don’t be shy!!! Let your self be clear about what you like AND thankful for what you have. Learn to welcome the notion that your approach to life, break up, love, romance, and dating is uniquely yours.
   
   To tap your desires, simply make a list of what you want. What do you want this very second, and in the future? Write it ALL down, and update it regularly. Remember, this is a list of what you want, not a list of what you don’t want. How will you feel when you have what you want? Integrate these feelings into your daily life through activities, visioning, and journaling.
   
   
2. What will bring relief?
   The universe responds well to relief because it is free of resistance. As mentioned above, whatever you focus on expands, so resistance will only bring your more resistance.
   
   Additionally, your soul knows that you are a naturally happy, joyous, generous, and expanding being who also knows how to heal. As you take steps that feel good and bring relief, you are also tapping into your true self. This means that you get to trust what feels good to you, especially during tender and challenging times!
   
   
3. What if this is the most perfect place and time in my life?
   I love this question! Asking yourself this question can support, or inspire you to become the protagonist in your own life. Look around and really notice what’s going well and what you’re enjoying. The universe can only agree and give you more of what’s going well. Yes, you will also notice a few things that you want to be different. But, the adjustments are much easier to make from the relaxed and inspired place this question arouses.

How to use these questions.
These questions are simple, yet profound guides toward your ever expanding self. The first question is all about desire, while the second and third questions relate to your alignment with your desires. Since transitioning out of a relationship is a journey, your answers to these questions at one time in your life might take you to one level of insight. As you continue to take action that supports your answers to these questions, you’ll tap deeper into the peace and freedom found in your core self.

Ask these questions often, especially at the beginning and end of your day. At the beginning of your day, you’ll be setting your intentions for how you want the day to be. At the end of the day, notice and appreciate how well you integrated the answers to these questions in your life.

Enjoy, and may you always flourish. . ..

Judy Kinney is the creator of Dream and Flourish LLC, a coaching resource for lesbian, bi and queer women who are ready for love, like they know it can be.

Dealing with Abandonment Issues

by Sue Anderson, psychotherapist and author

When a relationship ends, both partners experience turmoil and loss, but the one who is left feeling abandoned bears the brunt of the pain. Why does it hurt so much when someone leaves us?

Loving and wanting someone who does not love us back engenders a deep personal wound. Rejection hits a raw nerve whose root begins in childhood. It arouses our abandonment issues. Abandonment is primal fear, the first fear that each of us experience as an infant. It is the fear that we will be left, literally abandoned, with no one to care for us. Abandonment's wound is cumulative. It contains all of our losses, disconnections and disappointments from early on, the death of a parent, a teenage breakup, being out-shown by a sibling, these experiences make us more susceptible to heartbreak when we are abandoned as adults.

The abandonment wound, stored deep within the limbic brain, is easily triggered. You feel its raw nerve twinge when you fail to get recognition at work, a friend forgets to invite you to a party, or a date you thought was special did not call back. When being left is the trigger, core abandonment fears erupt. Stress hormones course through our bodies, compelling even the strongest among us to feel desperate and dependent. However self-sufficient we think we are, we suddenly feel we can’t live without her.

Being left also kicks up our control issues. The breakup wasn't our choice. Someone else cast us into this aloneness by choosing not to be with us. We feel at loss of our personal power to compel another person's love. "I must be unlovable and unworthy for him to discard me like that." Abandonment is similar to other types of bereavement, but its grief is complicated by rejection and betrayal. We turn the rage against ourselves, accounting for the severe depression that accompanies heartbreak. When we blame the breakup on our supposed inadequacies, we abandon ourselves. We automatically think to ourselves, “There must be something wrong with me that makes me not worth keeping.”

We emerge not only disconnected from self-love, but with a heightened fear of abandonment. If one person can discard us, we fear others will do the same to us in the future. Rather than dissipate, this fear tends to incubate. Its insecurity burrows deep within us where it sabotages our relationships. The fear of being left makes it more difficult to let go. The rejection creates nagging conflict; closure remains incomplete. We feel unjustly dismissed and we long for an opportunity to vindicate the hurt. We are left alone to grapple with the broken pieces. Mixed with our rage is a desire for our ex to come back to take away the hurt and rejection.

The paradox of abandonment is the tendency to idealize the abandoner. She emerges in our imaginations as a powerful figure. We assume she must be very special to have caused this much torment simply by being absent. The intense craving is confusing to our limbic brain. Stress hormones course through our bodies, causing a heightened response to anything related to our ex for a long time. An important thing to understand is there are five universal stages that accompany the loss of love: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting. As we make our way through these stages of grief and recovery, we build self-esteem, resolve fear and self-doubt and restore the spirit.

The Five Stages of Abandonment are:
1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love.

2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return.

3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself. Idealizing the abandoner at your own expense, narcissistic injury sets in and fear incubates.

4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action.

5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities. You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.


If you are struggling with abandoment issues and you would like more information, Susan has created a great site, http://www.abandonment.net/, where you can find advice, books, articles and support.

Susan Anderson is a psychotherapist and author of “Journey from Heartbreak to Connection,” “Journey from Abandonment to Healing” and “Black Swan.” She is founder of abandonment recovery and www.abandonment.net, a program of support groups and healing techniques, the result of over twenty-five years of research, clinical practice and personal experience.

How to Break Up Gracefully

By Denise Mann of WebMD

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but some are better than others. Learn the dos and don'ts of ending a romantic relationship.

It's not you, it's me…or is it?

Just about all of us have heard—or even said—this line as a way of ending a romantic relationship. The problem is that it often leaves the dumpee thinking the exact opposite.

But is there really a way to make a clean and honest break? Is it ever okay to lie when ending a romantic relationship? Can you IM her that it's over, or do you have to do it in person? Is it really possible to be friends with your ex after a breakup?

WebMD went to the experts to get the best breakup advice ever. Read this before you even think of uttering another clichéd breakup line or texting the bad news to your soon-to-be ex.

All Relationships Are Not Created Equal
"The nature of how to handle a breakup has to do with how you experience a relationship," says New York City-based psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Janice Lieberman, PhD, who specializes in relationship issues.

For starters, she says, not every relationship deserves a dramatic breakup. There are no hard and fast rules about what constitutes a relationship. "There are people who think they have a relationship with two dates and people who don't think they are in a relationship after 20 dates," she says. "If you have gone on one or two or three dates, not calling is breaking up, but after some kind of romantic and sexual encounters, it is a courtesy to call," Lieberman tells WebMD. "Sometimes it's easier not to call, and there are people who will just run away."

The explosion of Internet dating has also muddied the waters in terms of when an actual breakup is necessary, she says.

"People have Internet relations for a long time and then elevate to phone calls. Sometimes it takes a long time for a face-to-face encounter. This can be problematic because people get very involved with each other, and then when they finally meet, there are so many other cues that indicate they're not suited for one another," she says.

The warning signs that a breakup is imminent have also changed thanks to Internet dating, Lieberman says.

"People will go out with someone they met on Jdate.com or Match.com, and then you can see if they are surfing the Net and looking for someone else," she says. This is far less subtle than, say, acting cold on a date or not calling when you said you would.


Don't Break Up Over E-mail
The tabloids widely reported that pop star Britney Spears broke up with her now-ex-husband Kevin Federline via a text message. But text messages, e-mails or other high-tech message delivery systems are not the best medium for ending a romantic relationship.

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another's pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should websites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

"If it's a casual encounter, a text message is okay. But to my mind, it's better to call and speak or go out to dinner," Lieberman says.

"The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or e-mail," says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as "Doc Ali," the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45…and Single. "Texting a breakup is the coward's way out," she says.


Stick to the Relationship Facts
"Face-to-face or phone contact is a must," Arnold says. "It's important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words."

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. "Don't engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: 'It's not working, it's no one's fault, we need to make a change.'"

Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Whether two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.

"If someone is very much in love—and [then] broken up with—and forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic relationship does not work," Lieberman says. "If you are still in love with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold turkey."

While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more time after a breakup, such closure is a "fantasy or a hope," Lieberman says.

"If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it," she says.

Arnold agrees. "Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone. No 'let's get together for coffee.' No nothing," she says. "You need time to detox and get in touch with yourself again."

Talking every day as "friends" is also a no-no. "That just keeps the wounds and hope open and working," Arnold says. "Don't keep calling to 'check in,' hear how his or her day was or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut the cord in all ways."

Another no-no? Breakup sex, she says.


Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends
"Do learn from each relationship," Arnold says. "Write down five things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in the next one and five things you would not like to create next time."

Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see her, "keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends and healthy distractions," Arnold says.

"Don't get right into a new relationship, she advises. "Don't medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn't fair to either of you."

5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It

by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

Nearly everyone has experienced a relationship breakup or divorce and it can be one of the most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your broken heart. What we have discovered in our relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to happen.

So, if breakups don't have to occur, what causes them and how can you prevent them?

Here are four ideas to help you better understand why breakups happen and what you can do to prevent them in your relationship.

1. Old Fears Surface.

It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitable bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed, they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with
yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue.

Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your
thoughts. If you need help and support to make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it.

You may not have healed your broken heart from past relationships that ended and you find it very difficult to trust your current partner or open your heart completely to him or her. We suggest that you stop living from the hurt of those past relationships and bring yourself into the present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the past. Commit to starting over, allowing your fears to be there but reminding yourself that this is a new day.

2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and Appreciated.
Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works!

If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in your life.

3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority.
Many couples take each other for granted and don't give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with your partner.

We believe that sex happens long before the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together--Are you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances?

These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a priority. Try them in yours!

4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They are "Wrong."
One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person who you love and they love you becomes an "enemy."

Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer toward healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to find out!

5. Not healing your heart after a previous relationship breakup
Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their previous relationship and what they could have done differently. They keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and always expect a different outcome.

We suggest that you take the time to heal your broken heart and your attachment to being a victim, in being right or whatever holds you to a previous relationship. Spend some energy in taking responsibility for what happened, forgiving yourself and your previous partner, and deciding what you want to change in your life.

If you are interested in more information to help you heal from a relationship breakup, visit www.howtohealyourbrokenheart.com

How quickly should I start dating after a relationship breakup?

by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

After a breakup, it's important to take some time to figure out what you learned by being in that relationship, what you would have liked to have done differently, and what you want from a new relationship. While it's important to take some time to heal, it's also important not to take too much time focusing on the past.

In other words, there are no hard and fast rules about when to start dating again. With that being said, here are five guidelines for knowing when or if it's time to start getting out in circulation again...

1. Make sure that you have made completions around old relationships. If you need to do some work around forgiving your ex, do it. If you need to stop thinking about how things used to be with an ex before your breakup, do it. You are not ready to begin dating and attract anyone who you will truly want to be with if you are still emotionally tied to someone else. Don't begin dating to blot out the memory of an old relationship. Do your healing first!

2. If you have relationship trust issues (most people do after a breakup), begin learning how to build trust in new relationships. Make a list of how you and your ex destroyed trust and then make another list of how you can build trust with a new partner. If you get stumped, start thinking about how you like to be treated in relationships and make your list from those thoughts.

3. If you had jealousy issues in your previous relationship, you need to learn how to overcome jealousy before you begin dating. Many people believe that the problem will fix itself if you are in a new relationship. Wrong! Jealousy will just keeping showing up in new relationships over and over again until it has been dealt with.

4. Decide if you want a monogamous relationship or not and how you'd like to be treated. In dating situations, there are often unclear expectations around infidelity and what that means. The breakup might have been caused largely because of infidelity in past relationships so it's even more important to start a new relationship with clear agreements and to absolutely know what you want.

5. Be open to meeting new people--not with the idea of finding your perfect romantic partner, but rather to learn how to open your heart once again to others. So often a new partner will show up quite unexpectantly if you're not looking. So open to being who you really are, with no false masks, and begin to live your new future.

How to Get Over a Break Up: A Short Guide to Help Get You Up, Out, and Over This Relationship

By Lisa Marie Dalian

So it’s over. Now what do you do? At a time when things feel helpless, like you won’t ever stop crying or second guessing yourself, what you really need is a guide on how to get over your relationship. Stick with me and we can get you over this hump in a jiffy… or at least make you feel like you can get out of bed today. We have all been there in our live at one point or another. We feel like there is no possible way that you will ever feel whole again. And no, I am not trying to make anyone sound desperate or pathetic. However, when you give your heart to someone, and it doesn’t work out, there is always a period of second-guessing and being upset (sometimes even to the point of isolating oneself, possibly falling into a rut). I am in no way a doctor or professional… but I’ve been there.

Here is a short guide to help get you up, out, and over this relationship crater.

• How can I stop crying?
  Well, I hate to say this, but it is therapeutic to cry. Crying will release a lot of the tension and stress the ended relationship puts on you. It is a loss, almost as if someone has died. You need to grieve for your loss. There is nothing wrong with sitting with a few friends of family members and just let it out. You may just feel better (what, with all of them telling you how great you are and how you deserve better). Expelling all of that emotion through liquid means may lead to a faster recovery. Bottom line, don’t be ashamed to cry.
  
• What should I NOT do after a break up?
  For starters, please please please do not try to be her friend right away. Make a clean break. It is definitely easier said than done, but when you continue contacting or seeing your ex after the break up, you are headed for heart break all over again. It is virtually impossible to feel good about yourself when your feelings are not reciprocated. Many dumpees feel that if they spend time with the dumper, she will realize their true feelings and they will get back together. This rarely happens. Why put yourself through that? Explaining to your ex that the pain is too great right now to be friend is your best option. Maybe in the future the two of you can learn to be friends again, but now is NOT the time to learn your lesson twice. I would recommend deleting your ex’s number out of your phone and blocking her from your buddy lists or e-mail accounts. This way, if/when you have a bad night, you won’t be tempted to contact your ex. I would also avoid self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. This coincides with the cell phone number deleting I mentioned earlier. There is nothing worse than waking up hung over and realizing that you drunk dialed her the night before, rambling/crying/blathering on. Like I said… I’ve been there.

Tips to make the best of it The following are a few tips on how to wipe away your relationship blues:

• Change your environment up a bit.
  Now I don’t mean join Greenpeace (well… that is still an option I guess), I mean make some changes to your apartment or room. Paint you room a new exotic color. Buy some higher thread count sheets. Box up all mementos and pictures that remind you of your ex. You don’t need to torch them just yet, but get them out of view for a while.
  
• Spend some time and money on YOU.
  Going along with number one, for the next few weeks, do everything within your power (and bank account) to make you feel better.
  
• Keep yourself busy.
  Join something that you never thought you would have had time to do before. Go on a trip. Do little projects around the house. Volunteer (yeah Greenpeace!). The more distractions, them more you will eventually realize that you are doing these things for yourself and not just as an attempt to divert attention away you from thinking about your ex. And, by paying more attention to you and what you need, you may re-discover something that you loved doing or find out more about yourself. In the end you will be happier having been a little self-indulgent during this time.
  
• Bond with other singles.
  Everyone has two groups of friends, the singles and the couples. Spending time with the couples right now may be hard, so don’t be afraid to look up some of your single friends. Even if you may not have spoken to some of them in a while, take this opportunity to go out with some of them on the weekends. You may even renew an old friendship, or get introduced to someone really great through those friends.
  
• Write in a journal.
  As 8th grade as it sounds, it really helps get the frustrations out and gets you to verbalize how you feel and where the relationship went wrong. After a few weeks or months, go back and re-read what you had written. You’ll be surprised how far you have come since then.
  
• To rebound or not to rebound… Should you rebound?
  Well many swear by the phrase, “You can’t get over a someone until you get under another.” Some believe that a harmless fling is the best way to get over an ex. While having another be attracted to you may feel good, it is only superficial. I am no prude, but I tend to believe that after a one night stand, you will feel lonelier than ever after. This of course is just my opinion, however, dating (or having sex) before you are ready can possibly set you back further. Take this time to focus on you and your needs. But is you do decide to date right away, make sure you go easy on the next person you meet. Do not continue unfinished business with this new gal. Projecting your open and unresolved issues to the new person will only lead you down a destructive path. Ergo, don’t date until you have gotten past your last relationship and its issues.
  
• How do I know if I am over my ex?
  That is the $64,000 question. A good gauge is when you no longer want to get back together with the person. That, and when the thought of your ex having a relationship (and, gasp, sex) with someone else doesn’t turn your stomach. You may not have to necessarily be “happy” for her, but when you are over your ex, you won’t care either way. Now go out there and heal!

Coping with Loss

This Article comes from the Relationship Institute

Of all of life's multifaceted teachings, the experience of loss is among our most powerful vehicles for awakening. As much as we resist its sting, loss is omnipresent in the universe. The poet Yeats reminded us that no matter how solid anything appears, ultimately ''...things fall apart.'' In a similar vein, modern physics' Law of Entropy proves that over time, everything loses coherence and tends toward disorder. In all forms of relationship, at some point in the future we will have to say good-bye to the physical form of everyone we now know.

With intimate relationships, we see loss everywhere around us in every possible form: passionate, seemingly transcendent romances suddenly crashing to the ground; old, distant, lifeless relationships finally acknowledging what has been obvious for a long time; unfulfilled lovers paralyzed by fear, unable to break through to deeper levels of intimacy; fragile new budding relationships that don't survive even the first disagreement; and friendships ending when one person never returns the call. And when a relationship ends, there are losses on many levels. We lose contact with the person, of course and all the gratification, real or imagined, that they brought to our lives. But even more painfully, we lose the vision of what this relationship has meant to us in the past and present and the hope of what it might mean for us in the future. We lose the story and the myth that embodied the relationship and for many of us this is the most difficult loss of all.

How do we react in the face of impending loss? We have several choices. If we are attached to a particular form of this relationship, by virtue of a belief we have about what should or must be rather than what is, we can hold on tightly, hoping to control a process that we intuitively know is out of our control. Holding on tightly usually only hastens our journey to aloneness by scaring off our partner with our rigid, suffocating energy.

We can also choose to prematurely let go, to check out, to disengage emotionally, preparing for the loss before it even happens, protecting our soft underbelly from the pain that lies ahead, numbing or distracting ourselves from the uncomfortable sensations surging through our hearts and minds through work, addictions or a new warm body. We can also retreat to victimhood, reassuring ourselves that this other person wasn't so great to begin with, that ''we can do better'' and that we have been treated poorly or unfairly, through no fault of our own.

But there is another path, the path of consciously being with and embracing our loss, responsibly, without judgment toward ourselves or our partner, being fully present with our feelings of sadness, despair, loneliness, grief, anger or whatever else comes up. There may be profound sadness that something beautiful or hopeful has died or was never even given a chance to live. There may be anger that we didn't try harder or that they didn't either. There may be fear that we will always be alone or despair that it seems too hard to connect with others. Regardless of what comes up, we can choose to be present with all of our feelings, lying in the rubble of our shattered dreams, perhaps confused and not sure what to do next. There is nothing we have to ''do'' other than allow our feelings to move within and through us at their own pace and time.

We can honor the process by not needing to change or distract or distort or numb what is happening within us. And if we can stay with this process mindfully, eventually we will get to a place of acceptance and even understanding, where we can look back with gratitude at what was once a beautiful thing. We can honor the connection that allowed our spirit to soar and our loving presence to expand. We can review what we have learned from this journey and make notes about how we will do it differently the next time around.

Although we may initially be horrified at our losses, they aren't going to go away, ever. Nor would we want them to. Regular losses are essential throughout our life spans for all growth to occur. Every loss creates a space for something new to be born: a new hope, a new beginning, a new vision, a new opening to loving ourselves and others more deeply. It is only when we fully embrace a loss, that we can truly gain.