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Friday, July 25, 2008

How to Get Over a Break Up: A Short Guide to Help Get You Up, Out, and Over This Relationship

By Lisa Marie Dalian

So it’s over. Now what do you do? At a time when things feel helpless, like you won’t ever stop crying or second guessing yourself, what you really need is a guide on how to get over your relationship. Stick with me and we can get you over this hump in a jiffy… or at least make you feel like you can get out of bed today. We have all been there in our live at one point or another. We feel like there is no possible way that you will ever feel whole again. And no, I am not trying to make anyone sound desperate or pathetic. However, when you give your heart to someone, and it doesn’t work out, there is always a period of second-guessing and being upset (sometimes even to the point of isolating oneself, possibly falling into a rut). I am in no way a doctor or professional… but I’ve been there.

Here is a short guide to help get you up, out, and over this relationship crater.

  • How can I stop crying?
    Well, I hate to say this, but it is therapeutic to cry. Crying will release a lot of the tension and stress the ended relationship puts on you. It is a loss, almost as if someone has died. You need to grieve for your loss. There is nothing wrong with sitting with a few friends of family members and just let it out. You may just feel better (what, with all of them telling you how great you are and how you deserve better). Expelling all of that emotion through liquid means may lead to a faster recovery. Bottom line, don’t be ashamed to cry.
  • What should I NOT do after a break up?
    For starters, please please please do not try to be her friend right away. Make a clean break. It is definitely easier said than done, but when you continue contacting or seeing your ex after the break up, you are headed for heart break all over again. It is virtually impossible to feel good about yourself when your feelings are not reciprocated. Many dumpees feel that if they spend time with the dumper, she will realize their true feelings and they will get back together. This rarely happens. Why put yourself through that? Explaining to your ex that the pain is too great right now to be friend is your best option. Maybe in the future the two of you can learn to be friends again, but now is NOT the time to learn your lesson twice. I would recommend deleting your ex’s number out of your phone and blocking her from your buddy lists or e-mail accounts. This way, if/when you have a bad night, you won’t be tempted to contact your ex. I would also avoid self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. This coincides with the cell phone number deleting I mentioned earlier. There is nothing worse than waking up hung over and realizing that you drunk dialed her the night before, rambling/crying/blathering on. Like I said… I’ve been there.

Tips to make the best of it The following are a few tips on how to wipe away your relationship blues:

  • Change your environment up a bit.
    Now I don’t mean join Greenpeace (well… that is still an option I guess), I mean make some changes to your apartment or room. Paint you room a new exotic color. Buy some higher thread count sheets. Box up all mementos and pictures that remind you of your ex. You don’t need to torch them just yet, but get them out of view for a while.
  • Spend some time and money on YOU.
    Going along with number one, for the next few weeks, do everything within your power (and bank account) to make you feel better.
  • Keep yourself busy.
    Join something that you never thought you would have had time to do before. Go on a trip. Do little projects around the house. Volunteer (yeah Greenpeace!). The more distractions, them more you will eventually realize that you are doing these things for yourself and not just as an attempt to divert attention away you from thinking about your ex. And, by paying more attention to you and what you need, you may re-discover something that you loved doing or find out more about yourself. In the end you will be happier having been a little self-indulgent during this time.
  • Bond with other singles.
    Everyone has two groups of friends, the singles and the couples. Spending time with the couples right now may be hard, so don’t be afraid to look up some of your single friends. Even if you may not have spoken to some of them in a while, take this opportunity to go out with some of them on the weekends. You may even renew an old friendship, or get introduced to someone really great through those friends.
  • Write in a journal.
    As 8th grade as it sounds, it really helps get the frustrations out and gets you to verbalize how you feel and where the relationship went wrong. After a few weeks or months, go back and re-read what you had written. You’ll be surprised how far you have come since then.
  • To rebound or not to rebound… Should you rebound?
    Well many swear by the phrase, “You can’t get over a someone until you get under another.” Some believe that a harmless fling is the best way to get over an ex. While having another be attracted to you may feel good, it is only superficial. I am no prude, but I tend to believe that after a one night stand, you will feel lonelier than ever after. This of course is just my opinion, however, dating (or having sex) before you are ready can possibly set you back further. Take this time to focus on you and your needs. But is you do decide to date right away, make sure you go easy on the next person you meet. Do not continue unfinished business with this new gal. Projecting your open and unresolved issues to the new person will only lead you down a destructive path. Ergo, don’t date until you have gotten past your last relationship and its issues.
  • How do I know if I am over my ex?
    That is the $64,000 question. A good gauge is when you no longer want to get back together with the person. That, and when the thought of your ex having a relationship (and, gasp, sex) with someone else doesn’t turn your stomach. You may not have to necessarily be “happy” for her, but when you are over your ex, you won’t care either way. Now go out there and heal!


CupidsReviews Heidi said...

haha! The drunk dial. Guilty as charged. Never try to be friends, if you are successful at it right away, you will still be subconsciously thinking that this is just a step in getting back together. And if you just said to yourself 'n i don't think that' as you were reading this YOU DO! Break-ups suck and the mind tricks we play on ourselves suck even more as they are mainly counterproductive.

Linda said...

Its been a year for me and we live in separate states. You would think enough time has passed and I would quit crying. Still feel empty. Maybe one more year. this really sucks

Anonymous said...

I became very close friends with my ex shortly after we broke up. We were arguably closer than when we were together. I thought I was completely over her and was thoroughly enjoying our friendship. After a few months, she told me that we should consider dating again; that she felt that we would eventually get back together. This surprised me, but it also helped to rejuvenate the feelings that I had. I never would have dreamed that this would happen. A very short while after that, she told me that she had decided that she didn't want a relationship right now. It hurt me a great deal and now we're back to being just friends, but I'm still hurt and it's hard to be friends with her. I'm considering taking a break from her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. It's just difficult. Anyway, thanks for the tips given in your blog. I will take them to heart.

Angela said...

My wife and I were together for 5 years and were madly in love. I thought. I still love her just as much as ever, but a little over a year ago she decided that she wasn't sure if she really loved me or not. She broke up with me on Mother's Day; a day I will NEVER forget. It has been 16 months or so and I still think of her every morning when I wake up and throughout the day. I still cry over memories and miss her deeply. It kills me to see what my children are going throuh, as they don't understand why she doesn't keep in touch. I don't understand how anyone can just stop loving like this. I can't wait to wake up and not think about her, but am still working through this. She told me she wanted me in her life and thought we would make great friends. This was 7 months ago, and I haven't heard from her since. Don't set yourself up for more of a heartbreak by trying to be friends, and don't live with them no matter how bad you might want to. (I did for 1 year after the break up, and the lies and deception from her put me in a deep depression.) You can love all you want, you can't make them love you. I hope someday she will remember me. It sucks to love this much.

Dr. Lez B. In said...

Oh ladies. It is all so similar. My situation is still fairly new - I was broken up with about a month ago - and sent back across the world to where I am from. It was a long and difficult trip, and the my month's journey since has been as well. I know it has to get better.

The advice in this posting is great. Another thing that has helped me was starting my own blog. Come by and say hi if you want, we are all going to get through this somehow...

calrnbw said...

my gf and i broke up a week ago. first i sent her a text saying that i couldnt take it anymore and we needed to break up. then 2 days later, without any contact. i realized i made a mistake and told her that everything i said i regret and dont want to break up. now she does not want to get back with me and needs a break from me. she wants to be happy and being with me does not make her happy.

now... the whole truth to the story.. i was with my ex-gf for nearly 4 1/2 yrs and have been living together for 3 yrs. just this year of 2010, she accepted to relocate to Denver for her job. I said go for it because we wanted a change and we planned that i was going to follow her in June-July of 2010.

anyways.. after 2 years of our relationship, we started to have our ups and downs. basically, i caused the majority of the downs. i started taking her for granted, i acted immature.. just about everything the way acted towards her extremely hurt her and she would cry and at times could not go to sleep. i felt bad back then and i now, i completely feel horrible and embarrassed that i ever mistreated her. i would take it all back if i could and never hurt her again.

i started to take medication to ease my mind and we started to go therapy. i also asked her to marry and she accepted. i went back to my old ways of mistreating her and this became a vicious cycle. like i said, feel horrible about this.

I truely feel she is the one for me. she has all the qualities i look for in a woman. beauty, intelligence, wity, you name it. ive always wanted her since the day i met her. (we dated 1 1/2 yrs after we first met) i tried to keep in contact with her while i was in another relationship. when that finally ended, i started to persistently pursue her. i love her so much and i would literally do anything to have her back. yes i took her for granted and she's given many chances. which is why she doesnt have faith that i will ever change. but i gaurantee 100% that i will do everything in my power to never hurt her again.

what should i do? read almost every article online how to get my ex back. and all of them says to give her space and not to contact her for couple of weeks. so far, ive done everything the opposite of what you should not do to get your ex back. and that is to plead and beg to take you back and not to call her. i did beg and i did talk to her. its just so hard, i love her so much. what makes it difficult is that i come home to an empty home. she has all of our stuff in Denver and she has our two weiner dogs. :(

please help!!

girl2grl said...

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it sounds like you are going through a really difficult time.

Let me just say that I am not a therapist or life coach, so I can only give you my personal opinion.

First, I am curious as to why you decided to breakup with your girlfriend in the first place. Obviously there had been something going on that lead you to make that decision. Just something you may want to think about a little before trying so hard to get her back. Often times our first decisions are the right ones, but once we make them we tend to get scared, especially when it changes our entire lives.

You had mentioned that many websites/books, etc. dealing with breakups tell you to stop contacting your ex, which I know can be very difficult. However, the reason is mainly so you can start focusing on YOU again, especially since begging and pleading is not usually very attractive, nor does it get you what you want. When we are in relationships we often lose a part of who we are. SO look at this time as an opportunity to ask yourself What do I really want? Is this really who I want to be with? And perhaps if you really believe you were not treating your partner well, then maybe you need to ask yourself why? Were you truly happy with your partner? Did you feel you had a healthy respectful relationship? Were you scared you were getting to dependent? Were you feeling resentful about following her to Denver? Perhaps you need to take some time and figure out what it really is that you want. And whether or not the answer is to be with your ex, you may want to take some steps to work on yourself, to become the person you know you can be and the person your ex fell in love with. Perhaps private therapy/counseling or even a Life Coach could help you in that direction. Because whether or not you get back with her, you really need to take the time to focus on YOU right now and try to remember who you are without her. Once you are in a better place with what is going on in your life, then when you talk to your ex (give yourself at least a few weeks), you will be coming from a place of strength and honesty, instead of fear.

Good luck!

jena said...

So I have been broken up with my girlfriend for about 2 months. We were trying to be friends which has been troublesome. First she acts like I am not giving her enough attention. Pretty much gives me a checklist of activities that I should perform to redeem a friendship level relationship. I do these things..invite her to do things..seem more interested in what she is up to about nothing on the phone...and she just takes....I felt like the ball was in her proverbial cout.. I stopped calling a couple of weeks go by. I text are you mad at me because she has not given me any energy at all....she had the nerve to say well I am getting over a probably don't want to hear about it...that is why I have been ill comunicato...but then she wanted to talk to me about the girll....what a cold hearted snake.I cannot handle this knida heart torture. She still has stuff at my house ...her lesbian power suits..I just want to drive them over and throw them on her porch but it is 3 in the Am and I am not interested in creating drama... I need to just dis associate from her. Blocked her cute little happy feeds from do I just give her her things back without drama...? I can no longer take the drama.

girl2grl said...

Sounds like you need to take some time out for yourself to completly heal from this relationship, and you have every right to cut off all ties if that is what you need. You should probably drop her stuff off at her place when she isn't home, to avoid drama, and let her know they are there afterwards. You may also want to let her know you are taking time for yourself, that way she can't say she wasn't warned when she stops hearing from you. Then you may want to remove her from your facebook, your cell phone, everything. As hard as that may be, it is really the only way to heal. If after a period of time you feel ready to be friends with her again, then you can try it out, but in the meantime, take it slow, be good to yourself, and let yourself grieve.

allison said...

my gf lesft me 2 months ago for a guy she barely knows.i still cry myself to sleep at night, and i miss her very much.well shes my first and we have been together for 3 years.i want to get over this soon but at the same time i want her me!

lebo said...

hi,my ex and i broke up in march this year because she found out that i was cheating on her,after the breakup i realised i stiil love my ex gf very much and i cant get over the girl that im dating is crazy inlove with me and would do anything for and i love her too and i wanna be with her and be faithful to her but the problem is im still on my ex gf and sometimes when my current gf and i argue about stuff i blame her for my breakup with my ex but i dont want that i wanna love her and make her happy but the question is how do i completely get over my ex gf?? please help! im tired of hurting my gf coz she knows that im not over my ex

ScrabbleK said...

Part I

I am Russian & Jewish. Being gay is not an option, and yet I am. I am in love with a woman who is no longer in love with me! Four years after our initial break up and I am still in love with her! Four years later and I still remember all the wonderful things she would do for me! How she would comfort me when I was sick, how she would never buy something for herself - unless she bought it for me first, how she treated my family with respect and love, how she loved me even when I was overweight. We were together for six years! I went from 240lbs. to 150lbs. for her (though after we broke up). I did everything I could to show her that I was the one. Now, I lost her forever and nothing in this world can replace her. I've dated others - OMG - I've dated many others. I even had long term relationships with other women, in fact, I am in one now. But it is all a lie. I love no one else... I will never love anyone else. My ex, of course moved on, in fact - to something I predicted when we began dating - she turned out to be straight. Got pregnant, after that - got married and never told him anything about her past, except that I tried to seduce her and she never allowed me to do so (that we were just platonic friends, and I was the raging lesbian). She is not perfect. But I love her faults and I love her. Since she broke up with me in 2007, we got back together every eight months or so for two weeks, and she would always break up with me again - I have not been able to cope with it. The last time we got together - she was already dating the man that would later become her husband - she picked him even though she promised to stay with me. It was in 2009. In fact, I would cheat on everyone I was ever with - to come back to her. I never cared about the others. They were of no significance to me. I know I sound cruel, but if you can imagine when someone you love deeply comes back into your life - nothing else matters and no-one else matters. I miss her with my entire body, mind, soul and heart. Recently, I have been waking up in cold sweats from dreams of her. I never had that before. That is why I found this blog - for those of us who never quite stop loving the one we think is our one and only.

ScrabbleK said...

Part II

Currently, I am in a relationship again - one that is almost a year long - and I don't give a single care in this world about this woman. She is smart, and funny, and beautiful - but I don't care about her. I want to, I really want to... but I cannot. This woman does everything for me, she let me move into her place and use her car (so it will be easier to get to school), but I am not grateful in the way she would want me to be. I ask myself everyday - when will I get over the person that I call 'home' ? When will I get over her? I even moved from NY to LA just to leave her behind and it did not work. I've traveled half this world to forget her, and I have not. I know she is married, I know she has a daughter, and yet I still dream that one day she will come back to me. I secretly think about Tina and Bette (from the L Word). In my mind - thoughts come like - well they got back together in the end, why can't we! NY just passed that same sex couples can get married. Ironically, the law goes into work on my birthday. I wish I could marry her (though the complication with that - is that she is obviously already married). I've tried to go a psychologist - what a bunch of bull crap. She sits there telling me how to live my life and yet she herself is in her 50's and still single (as I found out during our sessions). BUT, the psychologist did give me enough umph to come out to my Mom who suspected it, but never really knew it. Ironic, how I would tell me mom about my love life after the love of my life was no longer a part of it. I feel like I will go through life - always being with someone - but never being happy. To those that think I need the time to be by myself - I did that as well. It did not work. I did the whole drinking with friends thing as well - it did not work. I am fresh out of ideas. I even went to psychics - one who predicted - she would get back together with me and we would have a son - a.k.a. - did not happen. I am running almost an empty I really want to live and be happy!Not really sure how to do it. So.... any words of wisdom ladies?

Anonymous said...

After 6 years my true love tells me she doesn't want to be a couple anymore and packed all my stuff up while i was not at home. I don't understand everything was fine before and then this. I feel like total crap. I miss her so much I want her to come back and i know that may not happen but i want that so much. I love her and i want her back. I don't want anyone else.

Anonymous said...

I failed to mention that she also said she loves me and is my friend. I want to talk to my friend, because i've been hurt but she did it... and she has not been talking to me, avoiding mereally. i miss her and would like to talk to her but she left me and i'm scared... i don't want to scare her off and i still love her deeply as more than friends. I think since she left me that she doesn't want to see me (and boy that hurts) so that is why i haven't tried to contact her. I love this woman with all my heart. she is precious and there's something going on and it may not be me and i want to help her and i can't like this and this hurts so bad.. and i wonder if she's cried at all or even misses me...

Anonymous said...

6 years ago I met the girl of my dreams. We've had our share of ups and downs, breakups and getting back together. Somehow we always find our ways back to each other. It's a vicious cycle that none of my friends understand.
About 10 months ago she started dating someone else. And at that time I was dating someone else. Me and my ex were great friends! But then around 6 months ago everything changed. She resented me for coming on to her and for allowing her to cheat on her girlfriend (I was single at the time). I begged and pleaded for her to give me another chance... she would always say that she would breakup with her girlfriend but then turn around and get mad at me and stop talking to me. Now we are back to the not talking. I'm so confused. I just need a little push in a direction that I will finally be happy. Yes I love her to death but I'm tired of crying and being sad 24/7. Please help!

Anonymous said...


Lindsey said...

I know this post is pretty much dead…but…

My girlfriend broke up with me 7 months ago, the day before our 8 month anniversary. We had been off and on (due to our parents; we were young when we first started going out) for several years before we finally were able to stay together for those 8 months.

Our relationship was actually long distance, which put a strain on things. I wanted to talk to her more, even if we were still in the closet, because I didn't get the physical closeness of her. She told me when we broke up that she felt suffocated and had fallen out of romantic love with me two months prior. She said she loved me but not that way. Although she wanted to stay friends, I did downright tell her I could not handle that. It turns out she already had someone she was interested in and they ended up getting together less than a month after we broke up.
Her and I had practically discovered our sexuality together, seeing as neither of us had truly known we were attracted to girls prior. And we also had a strong friendship between us, making the breakup all the more difficult. She was my first real best friend, first girlfriend, first kiss, and first true love.

I've been trying my hardest to move forward, but I feel like I've hit a wall. While I want her back, I don't think I'd even take her back if she wanted to go out again. She broke my heart and my trust too much.

I tried signing up for some dating sites, but my anxiety got the best of me and freaked me out. I want to find someone and feel that closeness I had before, but it's like my emotions are competing inside of me…and the depression side is winning…

Anonymous said...

I know this is 2014 and this post might not even be read anymore but I just feel like.......maybe 1day sumone may stumble unto this write up again and read the pain I am going through..
I met a girl and I was her first last year July 2013 and we had the most amazing chemistry which led us to start a relationship.. She became my world, she made me glow, she was my bestfriend... We shared same mutual feelings.. Ofcourse the roughness of the relationship came and passed and we stil went on loving.. Then came the financial stress, we were both out of our jobs and applying everywhere and then she became depressed.. One day she told me (we live together) that her Mum called her and told her to stay away from any lesbian temptation as her pastor saw her in a dream with anoda girl.. (May be ) .. Just like that she ended our relationship on grounds that she can't continue anymore cos God is angry with us. Yes I love God so much and I would do anything for him so we decided to end the relationship and stay as best friends..
Now what hurts me more now is the fact that she doesn't care about my feelings no more, I told her to give me time to heal.. Now she is dating a guy again and I have to see all that .. It hurts me so much cos yes we are both bisexual and can date guys too.. But what I don't get it, how suddenly she can date and not go through pain like I am going thru.. I am feeling like she stopped loving me a long time ago and is now using this excuse as a perfect excuse. She stiL wants us as best frnds and for the last 2months, I have slept on the same bed with my Ex lover now best friend and I have all those feelings that I can't handle and at the ssame time I can't be mushy towards her again cos she says God detests it. Now last week, she was very horny in bed and I was by her side and she says she is thinking about me and masturbating and I didn't believe her.. I just turned around and was talking to her and next thing, she pulls me over and starts forcing herself on me, I tried holding back and tryin to remind her about her vow to God and she kept acting like a possessed horny bee and my heart weakened and my flesh collapsed to her touch and we had sex.. Afterwards she starts saying she is sorry for leading me astray and says we shouldn't fall into such temptation again.. I accepted.. The next day I wantd her badly and I tried touching her and she became scornful... I felt used.. I mean y say u made a vow to God and come n tempt me and I satisfied u. And now I need you, you aint there.. Its just a sad situation right now cos we live together and we are bestfrnds no longer lovers., just today she starts contacting her Ex Bf whom she broke up with for me and she knows I had issues with the guy.. And all this she is doing in my front. I just want to stop caring about her cos she is breaking my heart... I have taken an offer outside our city for work in september and I can't wait to leave but the problem is she is still my best friend and we would always keep intouch.. I love her yet I can't act it.. I really need someone to pour my heart too and talk too so I can get out of this pain as it breaks me badly.. I read books on how to get rid of your ex and they all say no contact. How can I stop contacting my bestfriend cos outside been a former lover she is the best frnd any one can have.. Plus I currenly live with her. I can't even date another girl cos I am tired of lesbian hrtbrks cos it neva lasts, I have neva been in any relationship up till a year. I wish I could meet a great guy and date and hope it leads to marriage. Kelly


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