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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Free Seminar: How to Heal from a Breakup - November 20, 2014

How to Heal the Three Breakup Mistakes That Cause Suffering, Steal Joy and Prevent Future love

Most of us have experienced a breakup at some point in our lives. Sometimes that breakup was our decision and sometimes not. For those of us who have had a breakup that we haven't quite healed from, this free online seminar may be something you want to check out.

I am not in partnership with the company putting on this seminar (Evolving Wisdom), nor have I attended one of their seminar in the past. I received an email and I liked some of the ideas they had, and I figured it's free, so nothing to lose.  If it sucks, well, you can just turn it off.

If you want to sign up, here is the link, if you want to know more about it, check out the information below.


Here are some of the details:
There are few things in life that are as devastating as going through the painful breakup of a relationship. If you’ve been there—or are there now—you know what I’m talking about. Those long, restless nights not knowing how you’ll get through it . . . going over the relationship (and especially the breakup) in your mind again and again, wondering if you could have done something different that might have made it last, or at least not end so badly. I can imagine how you probably feel when a well-intentioned friend tells you that you just need time, and that you’ll get over it eventually. It can make you want to break something. Or break down crying. Bitter endings to love relationships can ravage every aspect of your life. It can often feel like your whole world has shattered, and you’re not even sure where all the pieces are to try to put it back together. So you try not to think about it. You try to put it behind you and move on with your life . . . but just moving on doesn’t really work. The good news is, there is a way to put the pieces together again, and the conscious completion of a relationship—even one that ended decades ago—can liberate you beyond the patterns of your past, heal potential toxic residue, and catalyze a journey of healing and transformation. Read more

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Girl on Girl Documentary - The Invisibility of "Femme" Lesbians

Girl on Girl is an original documentary film that features the stories of feminine lesbians who, even after coming out, feel invisible and stigmatized.”

Unlike any documentary film to date, Girl on Girl focuses its lens on the lives of feminine lesbians, and invites the audience to discover what life is like for women whose identity is incessantly trivialized and stigmatized, both outside of and within queer spaces. Girl on Girl challenges assumptions of what society imagines a lesbian to look like and, for the first time, addresses the issue of feminine lesbians feeling invisible even after coming out

 
Girl on Girl: An Original Documentary -- Official Trailer FALL 2014 from Jodi Savitz on Vimeo.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Women's Weekend 2.0 Schedule of Events - Sept 12-14, 2014


Women's Weekend 2.0 is the REINVENTION of the classic Russian River women's festival.  
Headliners are: Beverly McClellan of NBC's "The Voice" (photo below), Suzanne Westenhoefer, and Julie Goldman of Logo and Bravo TV, and Lori Moore of Fox TV's "The X Factor". 
Highlights include: a Sunday Jazz and Blues Day with Tori Roze, Steph Johnson, Azucar Con Ache, golf tournament, wine tasting, single's mixers, color drop, flash mob dance, crafts fair and much more. Hotels or camping available. Ride Sharing and Room Sharing available. 
Early bird tickets are $50 for full day Sunday and $56 for full day Saturday. Early bird prices end Sept. 1 and are available on the website -www.womensweekend2.com
Full Schedule of Events:
http://www.womensweekend2.com/schedule/

Monday, June 30, 2014

Women's Weekend 2.0, Sept. 12 -14, 2014

Women 

Women’s Weekend 2.0 is the reinvention of the classic lesbian music and comedy festival that has been happening annually on the Russian River (70 miles north of San Francisco) since 1986.

The overall theme of the festival is “Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty”.

Women’s Weekend 2.0 will take place on the Russian River with Saturday and Sunday being an outdoor festival at the Monte Rio Amphitheater. The lesbian entertainers will include Beverly McClellan of NBC's "The Voice", and Suzanne Westenhoefer and Julie Goldman from Logo's "Big, Gay Comedy Sketch Show". There will also be a crafts fair, color drop, flash mob, concessions, golf tournament, single’s mixers, wine tasting, a Jazz and Blues day on Sunday and much more. Evening DJ dances and live bands will be held at the River Theater in Guerneville.

WW2.0 offers events that will appeal to all ages over 21 – Baby Boomers are invited! WW2.0 is designed to allow women to play full-out and have the kind of fun we thought was left in childhood. There is a deep thrill in seeing one’s own beauty reflected in the open hearts of others with a backdrop of the gorgeous Russian River scenery. It’s breathtaking fun, is what it is! WW2.0 is structured to enable women to really connect in a way that inspires them not to hide out in cliques, right?

There will be a variety of accommodations available to suit everyone's taste,  with everything from tent camping to 5 star hotels.

Tickets are now on sale, so visit their website to get all the 411.

Victory for California LGBT Youth

Equality California Press Release - June 30, 2014

(Los Angeles)—Today, the Supreme Court of the United States declined to review a 2013 decision of the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit upholding California’s Senate Bill 1172, a law that prohibits licensed counselors and therapists from engaging in dangerous practices to try to change the sexual orientation or gender expression of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender children. Known as “conversion therapy,” “reparative therapy,” “ex-gay therapy,” or “sexual orientation change efforts,” the practices have been condemned by medical and mental health organizations across the country because they are known to lead to extreme depression and suicide.

The Supreme Court’s decision today clears the way for enforcement of California’s law—signed by Gov. Jerry Brown in September 2012 and the first of its kind in the nation—that provides that state-licensed therapists who engage in the prohibited practices with minor patients may be subject to professional discipline by California licensing authorities. The constitutionality of the California law was challenged in October 2012 in two lawsuits filed by anti-LGBT groups, primarily representing therapists who engage in the prohibited practices. In the fall of 2012, Equality California filed a successful motion to intervene in one of the lawsuits to defend the law alongside California Attorney General Kamala Harris, who represents the State of California defendants. Equality California is represented by the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) and the law firm of Munger, Tolles & Olson LLP.

On August 29, 2013, a three-judge panel of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals unanimously upheld the law, ruling that the plaintiffs in two legal challenges could not succeed on their claim that the law infringes the free speech rights of therapists who wish to engage in these dangerous and long-discredited practices.

The full Ninth Circuit court declined to further review that decision, and the plaintiffs in the two lawsuits then asked the Supreme Court to review the cases. The Supreme Court denied those requests today, meaning that the Ninth Circuit panel’s decision upholding the law will be the final decision on the plaintiffs’ free-speech claims and the California law may be enforced.

Senate Bill 1172 was authored by Senator Ted Lieu and sponsored by NCLR, Equality California, Gaylesta, Courage Campaign, Lambda Legal, and Mental Health America of Northern California, and supported by dozens of organizations, including the California Psychological Association, the California Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers, and the California Division of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

NCLR Legal Director Shannon Minter said: “This life-saving law has cleared the final hurdle and will now protect California youth from harmful practices that have been rejected by all leading medical and mental health organizations. This important legislation will permanently improve the health and well-being of California’s most vulnerable LGBT young people. We look forward to more states joining California and New Jersey in preventing state-licensed therapists from engaging in discredited practices that offer no health benefits and put LGBT youth at risk of severe harm, including depression and suicide.”

Added Equality California Executive Director-Elect Rick Zbur: “The Supreme Court’s decision to let Senate Bill 1172 protect our LGBT youth is a major step forward for California and our nation. We are proud to live in the first state to protect young people from the lifelong damage caused by these horrific practices. We thank Sen. Ted Lieu for authoring this bill, Speaker Emeritus John A. PĂ©rez for his bold leadership in helping to get the law passed, and Gov. Jerry Brown for signing it into law.”
NCLR recently launched #BornPerfect: The Campaign to End Conversion Therapy, a national effort aimed at protecting LGBT kids from conversion therapy and ending the practice across the country in five years.

Equality California (EQCA) is the largest statewide lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender advocacy organization in California. For more than a decade, Equality California has strategically moved California from a state with extremely limited legal protections for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people to a state with some of the most comprehensive human rights protections in the nation. Equality California has partnered with legislators to successfully sponsor 96 pieces of pro-equality legislation. EQCA continues to advance equality through legislative advocacy, electoral work, public education and community empowerment. www.eqca.org
www.eqca.org

Friday, May 23, 2014

2014 US Gay Pride Festivals & Celebrations


May 23-26 Washington, DC DC Black Pride
May 23-26 Chicago, IL Bear Pride
May 23-26 Chicago, IL Internatonal Mr Leather IML
May 25-June 1 Buffalo, New York Buffalo Gay Pride celebration
May 25 Melbourne, FL Space Coast Pride
May 30-June 1 Guerneville, CA Sonoma County Pride
May 31 Albuquerque, NM Albuquerque Pride
May 31 Cincinnati, OH Cincinnati Pride 2014
June 1 Pine City, MN East Central Minnesota Pride
June 1 Asbury Park, NJ Jersey Pride
June 3-9 Orlando, FL Disney Gay Days
June 3-9 Orlando, FL Orlando Black Pride
June 4-7 Albany, NY Albany Black & Latino Gay Pride
June 6 Washington, DC Capital Pride
June 6-8 Los Angeles, CA LA Pride
June 6-8 Milwaukee, WI Pridefest
June 6-8 Orlando, FL One Magical Weekend
June 6-15 Pittsburgh, PA Pittsburgh Pride
June 6-16 Boston, MA Boston Pride
June 7 Honolulu, HI Honolulu Gay Pride
June 7 Anchorage, AK Anchorage Pridefest
June 7 Indianapolis, IN Indy Pride Festival
June 7 Joplin, MO Joplin Missouri Pridefest
June 7-8 Ferndale, MI Motor City Pride
June 8 Charleston, WV Rainbow Pride of West Virginia
June 8 Philadelphia, PA Philly Pride
June 8 Milwaukee, WI Milwaukee Pride Parade
June 8 Nyack, NY Gay Pride Rockland
June 9-14 Brooklyn, NY Brooklyn Pride
June 11-15 Key West, FL Key West PrideFest
June 12-15 Memphis, TN Memphis Black Pride
June 13-14 Nashville, TN Nashville Pride Fest
June 13-15 Bisbee, AZ Bisbee Pride
June 13-15 Des Moines, IA Capital City Pride
June 13-23 Baltimore, MD Baltimore Pride
June 14 Spokane, WA OutSpokane Rainbow Festival
June 14 Long Island, NY Long Island Pride Parade
June 14-15 Portland, OR Portland Pride Festival
June 20-21 Columbus, OH Columbus Pride
June 20-22 Oklahoma City, OK OKC Pride
June 20-22 New Orleans, LA Gay Pride New Orleans
June 20-22 Olympia, WA Capital City Pride
June 20-29 Houston, TX Pride Houston
June 21 Providence, RI RI Pridefest & Parade
June 21-22 Fort Collins, CO Fort Collins PrideFest
June 21-22 Denver, CO Gay Pride Fest Denver
June 21-29 Chicago, IL Chicago Pride
June 22 New York, NY Folsom Street East
June 22-29 Harlem, NYC Harlem Pride
June 27-29 NYC, NY NYC Gay Pride
June 27-29 St. Petersburg, FL St. Pete Pride
June 28 Santa Fe, NM Pride on the Plaza
June 28-29 Minneapolis, MN Twin Cities Pride Celebration
June 28-29 San Francisco, CA San Francisco LGBT Pride
June 29 Seattle, WA Seattle PrideFest
July 1 Orlando, FL Family Outfest
July 12 Tacoma, WA

July 18-20 San Diego, CA San Diego Pride
July 27 San Francisco, CA Up Your Alley
TBA Tampa, FL Tampa Pride
July 12-13 Bellingham, WA Bellingham Pride
July 19-20 Colorado Springs, CO Colorado Springs PrideFest 23
July 20 Bremerton, WA Kitsap Pride
Oct 5 Little Rock, AR Little Rock Black Pride
August 3 Providence, RI Same Love Same Rights Wedding Expo
August 9-10 Chicago, IL Northalsted Market Days
August 9-16 Cleveland, OH 2014 Gay Games
August 23 Norfolk, Va Hampton Roads Pride
Aug 27- Sept 1 New Orleans, LA Southern Decadence
August 31 Oakland, CA Oakland Gay Pride
2017 Miami, FL World Outgames
TBA Cheyenne, WY Rendezvous
TBA Eugene, OR Eugene/Springfield Pride Festival
TBA Reno, NV Reno Gay Pride
TBA Lansing, MI Michigan Pride
TBA Toledo, OH Toledo Pride
TBA Charlotte, NC Pride Charlotte
September 2-8 Las Vegas, NV Gay Days Las Vegas
September 5-6 Las Vegas, NV Las Vegas Pride
September 5-7 Lincoln City, OR Oregon Coast Pride
September 15 Burlington, VT VT PRIDE
September 20 Austin, TX Austin Pride
September 21 Dallas, TX Alan Ross Texas Freedom Parade
September 28 Dallas, TX Same Love Same Rights Wedding Expo
TBA Chula Vista, CA South Bay Pride
TBA Burlington, VT Pride Vermont Festival
TBA Pasadena, CA San Gabriel Valley Pride
TBA Roanoke, VA Pride in the Park
TBA Durham, NC North Carolina Pride
October 6-12 Orlando, FL Come Out with Pride Orlando
October 11 Oceanside, CA North County Pride by the Beach
October 11-12 Atlanta, GA
October 18 Tuscon, AZ Pride in the Desert
TBA Memphis, TN Mid-South Pride

Friday, May 16, 2014

Oregon Marriage equality lawsuit: Judge to issue a decision Monday


For Immediate Release -- Friday, May 16
Contact: Peter Zuckerman, Press Secretary: 310-507-4689

Marriage equality lawsuit: Judge to issue a decision Monday
Some counties prepared to start issuing licenses right away

The federal judge in Oregon’s marriage equality lawsuit said he plans to issue an opinion at noon on Monday.

If judge Michael McShane strikes down Oregon’s law excluding same-sex couples from marriage, all loving and committed couples in Oregon could be granted the freedom to marry.
“We don't know which way the judge will rule, but we are hopeful that Oregon is on the verge of making history—and that by next week, all of Oregon's loving, committed couples will be able to wed in our state,” said Amy Ruiz, deputy campaign manager for Oregon United for Marriage.
Oregon United for Marriage launched a “Decision Day Resource Page” last week, for Oregonians anticipating the ruling.

On April 23, Judge McShane heard arguments on motions for summary judgment in the case. On Wednesday May 17 the Judge heard oral arguments from the National Organization for Marriage, which filed their motion to intervene in the case at 11:04 p.m. two days before oral arguments.
So far, more than a dozen judges have ruled for the freedom to marry since the U.S. Supreme Court struck down key parts of the so-called Defense of Marriage Act last year. Once Oregon wins marriage equality, Multnomah County has said that it plans to start issuing licenses right away to gay and lesbian couples.

BACKGROUND ON THE CASES:
Attorneys filed two lawsuits last year in the federal court in Eugene to challenge laws that exclude same-sex couples from marriage in Oregon. In October, attorneys Lake Perriguey and Lea Ann Easton filed the first case, Geiger v. Kitzhaber, on behalf of two couples. In December, staff attorneys for the American Civil Liberties Union, the ACLU of Oregon, and volunteer counsel Misha Isaak and Tom Johnson of Perkins Coie, LLP, and Jennifer Middleton of Johnson, Johnson & Schaller, PC, filed a second case, Rummell v. Kitzhaber,  on behalf of two same-sex couples who wish to marry in Oregon and Basic Rights Education Fund. In January, the judge, Michael McShane, consolidated the two cases.

Oregon Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum announced in February that Measure 36 is indefensible. “Sexual orientation does not determine an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and enduring relationship,” she wrote in a brief filed with the court. “The ban cannot withstand a federal constitutional challenge under any standard of review.”

The National Organization for Marriage in Washington D.C. filed a motion to intervene in the case, and now the judge is hearing arguments about how to rule.

Monday, May 5, 2014

The 2014 Russian River Weekend Coming

The 34th Annual Russian River weekend will be the week of May 15 - May 19th, 2014  and will be held in beautiful downtown Guerneville, California.


Russian River Women’s Weekend Tentative Schedule
May 15 – 19, 2014

VIP Pass Pick-up Location = *

 Weekend Long Activities:
  • Thursday – Sunday Weekend of the ELEMENTS Guerneville
  •  Saturday – Sunday Massage for the Health of It r3 Hotel Courtyard
Thursday:
  • 6:00 – 9:00   Welcome Party and VIP Passes available McT’s BullPen *
  • 6:00 – 10:00   ELEMENT: FIRE ~ Firewalk of Transformation Camp Outback
  • 8:00 – Close   Country Dan’s Lesbytarian Karaoke McT’s BullPen *
  • 9:00 – 12:00   Hey Gurl Hey r3 Hotel

Friday:
  • 11:00-6:00    VIP Pass Pick-up Center for Sacred Studies*
  • 12:00 – 5:00 Let’s get this Party Started Pool Party r3 Hotel ($5.00 or free with VIP Pass)
  • 6:00 – 8:00   RAGS - River Area Gals Society (rivergals.com) Rainbow Cattle Company *
  • 7:00 – 9:00   Spiritual Seminar Center for Sacred Studies Ladamira – Siberian Shamanaka from Russia (No VIP Pass) $25
  • 8:00 – 12:00  Country Dan’s Lesbytarian Karaoke r3 Hotel
  • 8:00 – 12:00  3rd Annual DRAGSTRAVAGANZA Buck’s River Mill Theater * ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
  • 8:00 – 1:00 Dance Party w/dj Lady Char River Theater ($10 or Free with VIP Pass)
Saturday:
  • 10:00 – 2:00 Spiritual Seminar with Ladamira Center for Sacred Studies (No VIP Pass) $90 one day/$150 both
  • 10:00 – 12:00 ELEMENT: AIR ~ Chanting and Mantras Center for Sacred Studies
  • ELEMENT: EARTH ~ Walk in Armstrong Woods meet at Center for Sacred Studies With Ladamira
  • 11:00 – 6:00 VIP Pass Pick-up Center for Sacred Studies*
  • 12:00 – 6:00 ELEMENT: WATER ~ Pool Party R3 Hotel With DJ LadyRyan
  • Water Blessing HIGH NOON
  • Commitment/Marriage Ceremony ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
  • 2:00 – 5:00 Wet “tease” T-shirt Contest R3 Hotel ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
  • 8:00 – 12:00 Teresa Raef, Darcie Rickert and Velvetta! Buck’s River Mill Theater * ($10 or Free with VIP Pass)
  • 9:00 – Close Poo Poo Head Burlesque Show and Dance Party River Theater * With DJ LadyChar Show starts 10:30 ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
The “More Bang for Your Buck” Show Special:
$15 for both shows on either Friday OR Saturday Nights
  •  Friday: 3rd Annual DRAGSTRAVAGANZA & Dance Party
  • Saturday: Live Music & Poo Poo Head Burlesque/Dance Party
Sunday:
  • 10:00 – 2:00 Spiritual Seminar with Ladamira Center for Sacred Studies (No VIP Pass) $90 one day/$150 both
  • 11:00 – 5:00 Brunch and Live Music Buck’s River Mill Theater * ($10, NO VIP Pass –Brunch not included)
  • 12:00 – 4:00 Liquid Church Pool Party with DJ LadyRyan r3 Hotel * ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
  • 1:00 – 4:00 “Eat my Pie” Contest r3 Hotel * “Painted Lady” Tattoo Contest RAFFLE to be held at 2:00 p.m. ($10 or Free With VIP Pass)
  • 1:00 – 5:30 Sweat Wildwood Retreat Center (No VIP Pass)
  • 3:00 Rendezvous with Cool Beans River Mill Dinner Theater ($10, NO VIP Pass)
  • 3:00 ELEMENT: WATER~ Special Blessing with Ladamira Center for Sacred Studies
  • 7:00 – 10:00 The Afterglow Main Street Station with "Wild Jane, Miss Maple, & The Bass Babe"
  • 8:00 - Close Country Dan’s Lesbitarian Karaoke r3 Hotel
Monday:
10:00 – 5:00 Leftover’s Lounge r3 Hotel

For more information, please visit: russianriverwomensweekend.org.

Friday, May 2, 2014

California may remove the words "between a man and a woman"

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A bill that would strike the traditional definition of marriage from California law was approved by the state Senate on Thursday after the U.S. and state supreme courts allowed same-sex unions to resume last year.

SB1306 would remove from the state Family Code language that marriage must be "between a man and a woman." It would substitute gender-neutral language, define marriage as a personal relation arising from a civil contract between two persons, and remove limits on the state recognizing the validity of same-sex marriages performed outside of California.

The bill removes "discriminatory language" from the Family Code and brings state law into compliance with federal and state court decisions allowing same-sex marriages, said Sen. Mark Leno, D-San Francisco.

In June, the U.S. Supreme Court left in place a lower court judge's order striking down as unconstitutional a ballot measure known as Proposition 8, the 2008 voter initiative that outlawed same-sex marriages in California. A 5-4 court majority ruled that the ban's sponsors lacked authority to defend the measure on appeal, though the justices did not directly address the ban's constitutionality.

Marriages resumed in late June after the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals lifted a stay it had imposed on the lower court ruling. The state Supreme Court dismissed a final challenge by the ban's backers in August.

"I cannot bring myself, though, to diminish the words 'husband and wife,' and this clearly does that. Throughout history those words have been widely used and accepted," said Sen. Jim Nielsen, R-Gerber, the only senator to speak in opposition. "They're kind of sacred terms, I would argue, and by this bill we are diminishing those very important words."

The bill was sent to the Assembly on a 25-10 vote, with only Republicans in opposition. Two Republicans, Anthony Cannella of Ceres and Ted Gaines of Roseville, voted in favor.

"All this bill does is bring our Family Code section up to date to comply with those two court decisions," Leno said. He added later: "The sky did not fall, civilization as we know it did not end" when gay marriages began.

DON THOMPSON, ASSOCIATED PRESS

Thursday, May 1, 2014

10 Lesbian Dating Red Flags to Watch Out For


By Ruth Schwartz, Ph.d.,  Conscious Girlfriend

If you’re a queer woman or lesbian who is dating in the hope of creating a happy, healthy, truly intimate lasting relationship, and you  meet a woman with one of these red flags, proceed with caution and find out more. If she’s got two or more of these red flags, proceed at your peril. If she’s got three or more, run the other way!

  1. She and her last love broke up within the past six months – or she’s vague about exactly when they broke up.
  2. She spends a good part of your date talking about her last love. (Exception: if she’s speaking thoughtfully about her own mistakes and telling you what she learned, she gets a gold star instead of a red flag!)
  3. She trashes her last love and presents herself as a victim. (Remember, what she says about her ex is what she may be saying about you someday soon…)
  4. She hasn’t been in a relationship in many years. (Find out why.)
  5. She’s never had a long-term relationship. (Exception: if she’s under 25. But if someone over 25 has never had a relationship last longer than a few months, there’s probably a reason.)
  6.  She doesn’t have any friends. (Find out why.)
  7. She spends a lot of time complaining… about anything or anyone. (Not a good sign.)
  8. She spends most of the time talking, rather than listening to you. (Also not a good sign.)
  9. She says something mean to or about you, or to or about anyone else. (There’s really no excuse for meanness, and it is definitely not a good sign.)
  10. She drinks or drugs daily or to excess. (Regular use of alcohol and drugs forestalls real intimacy – no ifs, ands or buts about it.)

Of course, you need to look honestly at yourself too. If you are a woman with two or more of these red flags, be kind to yourself – and to other women – by taking the time to heal and grow more whole before beginning to date.

None of these red flags are permanent conditions. All can be changed.  But truly loving, intimate relationships are only likely between two relatively happy, whole, healed women.  So, become one before you date – and then look for another. We can help you with this process – just click here!

Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D., has been a writer, healer and teacher for over three decades. She has a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and is also a Board-certified Clinical Hypnotherapist with extensive training in Focusing, shamanism and energy medicine. She’s had a private healing practice since 2003, and is the author of seven books, including Soul on Earth: A Guide to Living & Loving Your Human Life. Ruth has taught at six colleges and universities, and is currently on faculty in the Ashland University low-residency graduate creative writing program.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Naked Truth About Why Lesbians Fake It (And Why I Stopped!)

By Ruth Schwartz of Conscious Girlfriend


Admit it: are you a woman-loving-woman who’s ever acted more turned-on than you really felt, or even pretended to have an orgasm? If so, you’re not alone. Most lesbians (along with our straight sisters) have done that from time to time – and some of us have done it a lot.

Why would a lesbian fake it, anyway? Well, probably for most of the same reasons as straight women – but with the added twist that we think we’re not supposed to “have to” fake it!

Straight women and men sometimes imagine that lesbian sex is easier than straight sex – that two women together automatically know just what to do, and where and how to do it, to please one another. But most of the lesbians I know sigh ruefully, “If only it were so!”

The truth is, any two people can hit it off sexually – or not. And especially in an ongoing relationship, there are also all kinds of emotional factors that impact how turned-on we feel.

So here are some of the reasons I’ve heard – and felt myself – about why lesbians fake it:

“I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“I don’t really like what she’s doing, but I don’t know how (or am to shy) to tell her or show her what I do like.”

“I’m ready to stop having sex, but she’ll feel bad if she knows I didn’t come.”

“I want her to think I’m hot.”

“She’s doing all the right things, so I should be turned on. There must be something wrong with me.”

“She’s been working so hard down there, I think she must be tired. I need to take care of her.”

“I feel insecure about how long it takes me to come.”

“I didn’t really feel like having sex in the first place.”

“I’m not really attracted to her, but I thought maybe it would feel different once we got into bed.”

Many of these reasons have to do with trying to take care of our partners. As women, we’re often way too concerned with other peoples’ feelings – so much so that we can tend to “leave our bodies” and inhabit our girlfriend’s experience instead!

But are we really inhabiting her experience – or just our own imagining or projection of her experience? And are we really doing her any favors? Think about it. If you found out that yourgirlfriend – or even the woman you just met – was faking it with you, how would you feel? Personally, I’ve never met a woman who would feel good about that.

So we fake it to “protect” our partners in ways we ourselves would never want to be “protected” - which doesn’t make much sense…

The truth is, even when we think we’re protecting our partners, we’re mostly protecting ourselves. It’s scary to get vulnerable enough to tell someone else what’s really going on for us – and for many of us, it’s even scarier when we’re naked in bed with that someone.

But it’s also the only way to create real intimacy – by which I mean, to actually be seen, heard and understood.

(Don’t worry – we’ll coach you through this intimacy-creation process!)

You see, when we “fake it,” there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that that can happen. Instead of letting ourselves be seen and known, we put on an act – which effectively prevents us from getting close.

Eight years ago, shortly after Michelle and I met, I wrestled with this one. I really, really liked Michelle, and I was definitely attracted to her. She was cute, she was brilliant, she was kind, we had endless things to talk about… and yet…

Something was just not working for me in the bedroom.

I tried to show her non-verbally what I wanted. But it still wasn’t happening.

Then I felt myself leaving. No, not physically leaving – but vacating my body as she touched me.

I knew I could fake it. After all, I’d done it many times before, with other partners.

And yet there was something about Michelle, and the connection we’d begun to establish – as well as the emotional work I’d done on myself over the previous few years – that made me want to take the risk to do something different.

So I did. I stopped her from doing what she was doing, and said gently, “You know, this just isn’t working for me. I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s you, or if it’s us. But maybe we can learn something here.”

And so instead of writhing and moaning in fake pleasure, I lay naked in Michelle’s arms, and we talked, really talked.

I learned a lot about her that night – not only from what she said, but from how she listened to me. I still felt a little sad that sex hadn’t worked, but the opportunity to grow together felt even more important to me – and I was overjoyed when she told me she felt the same way.

And somewhere in those hours of conversation, something happened – though I didn’t realize it until the next day, when she was sitting at my kitchen table, and I went to embrace her. And – what?! Something moved. Something opened between us, like a bolt of lightning.

Whoa – what was that?

The sexual energy we hadn’t been able to tap into the night before was suddenly fully alive and crackling between us!

Since that day, nearly eight years ago now, we have accessed that electricity many times, and had many joyful, powerful, amazing times in bed. And yet there have also been numerous times when we couldn’t get there – and one or both of us had to say, “You know, I’m just not feeling it right now.”

Some of that has to do with the fact that we are both sexual abuse survivors. I responded to that by learning to perform; Michelle learned to “leave her body,” and also to steer away from the power of her own desire for fear it would lead her to become an abuser, too.

Fortunately, we have gotten some amazing help from our somatic sex coach, Pavini Moray. And our deep love for each other, plus our commitment to working through our triggers, has helped too.

What would have happened if I had kept on “faking it,” rather than opening up and steering us both toward that deeper conversation? I can’t know for sure, but I am almost positive we wouldn’t be where we are today, in a joyful, deeply connected, truly intimate – and yes, hot! – partnership with the love of my life.

Scared to get this honest? We can help. We founded Conscious Girlfriend to assist lesbians and queer women in finding, creating and sustaining the relationship of your dreams – and that definitely means in the bedroom, as well as outside it! We’d love to coach you in your process of finding, creating and sustaining the love you want.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Lesbian Dating & Relationship's Blog Named in STDcheck.com’s Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs

Lesbian Dating & Relationship's Blog is thrilled to announce that we have been named on the list of STDcheck.com’s Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs and Online Destinations.

STDcheck.com list highlights the most influential and engaging bloggers who broadcast topics associated with sex, dating, relationships, and love. This list is part of STDcheck.com's ongoing effort to emphasize the importance of healthy relationships and sexual practices.

"The internet is the main source of information for most people these days, especially younger people. This list is our way of pointing people in the direction of information that's both valuable and fun," said Fiyyaz Pirani, founder and CEO of STDcheck.com.

The Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs& Online Destinations list connects readers with blogs featuring a wide variety of topics. Blogs were ranked based on a combination of factors that included the visual appeal, quality of content, and sense of community.

Well-known blogs are included on the list, as well as up-and-coming blogs from across the globe. Every blog that has been chosen gets the honor of displaying a beautiful Top 100 Blog Award badge on their site.

Social media buttons are integrated into the Top 100 list for each blog, which connects readers with their favorite blogs and bloggers with a single click. The top blogs will also be featured on the STDcheck.com Facebook page. All 100 bloggers will receive $500 in gift cards that can be redeemed personally or used as part of a giveaway for their readers. "Recognizing and rewarding these incredible bloggers is our way of connecting with their audience to raise awareness about the importance of sexual health," Pirani said.

 

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