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Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Naked Truth About Why Lesbians Fake It (And Why I Stopped!)

By Ruth Schwartz of Conscious Girlfriend

Admit it: are you a woman-loving-woman who’s ever acted more turned-on than you really felt, or even pretended to have an orgasm? If so, you’re not alone. Most lesbians (along with our straight sisters) have done that from time to time – and some of us have done it a lot.

Why would a lesbian fake it, anyway? Well, probably for most of the same reasons as straight women – but with the added twist that we think we’re not supposed to “have to” fake it!

Straight women and men sometimes imagine that lesbian sex is easier than straight sex – that two women together automatically know just what to do, and where and how to do it, to please one another. But most of the lesbians I know sigh ruefully, “If only it were so!”

The truth is, any two people can hit it off sexually – or not. And especially in an ongoing relationship, there are also all kinds of emotional factors that impact how turned-on we feel.

So here are some of the reasons I’ve heard – and felt myself – about why lesbians fake it:

“I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“I don’t really like what she’s doing, but I don’t know how (or am to shy) to tell her or show her what I do like.”

“I’m ready to stop having sex, but she’ll feel bad if she knows I didn’t come.”

“I want her to think I’m hot.”

“She’s doing all the right things, so I should be turned on. There must be something wrong with me.”

“She’s been working so hard down there, I think she must be tired. I need to take care of her.”

“I feel insecure about how long it takes me to come.”

“I didn’t really feel like having sex in the first place.”

“I’m not really attracted to her, but I thought maybe it would feel different once we got into bed.”

Many of these reasons have to do with trying to take care of our partners. As women, we’re often way too concerned with other peoples’ feelings – so much so that we can tend to “leave our bodies” and inhabit our girlfriend’s experience instead!

But are we really inhabiting her experience – or just our own imagining or projection of her experience? And are we really doing her any favors? Think about it. If you found out that yourgirlfriend – or even the woman you just met – was faking it with you, how would you feel? Personally, I’ve never met a woman who would feel good about that.

So we fake it to “protect” our partners in ways we ourselves would never want to be “protected” - which doesn’t make much sense…

The truth is, even when we think we’re protecting our partners, we’re mostly protecting ourselves. It’s scary to get vulnerable enough to tell someone else what’s really going on for us – and for many of us, it’s even scarier when we’re naked in bed with that someone.

But it’s also the only way to create real intimacy – by which I mean, to actually be seen, heard and understood.

(Don’t worry – we’ll coach you through this intimacy-creation process!)

You see, when we “fake it,” there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that that can happen. Instead of letting ourselves be seen and known, we put on an act – which effectively prevents us from getting close.

Eight years ago, shortly after Michelle and I met, I wrestled with this one. I really, really liked Michelle, and I was definitely attracted to her. She was cute, she was brilliant, she was kind, we had endless things to talk about… and yet…

Something was just not working for me in the bedroom.

I tried to show her non-verbally what I wanted. But it still wasn’t happening.

Then I felt myself leaving. No, not physically leaving – but vacating my body as she touched me.

I knew I could fake it. After all, I’d done it many times before, with other partners.

And yet there was something about Michelle, and the connection we’d begun to establish – as well as the emotional work I’d done on myself over the previous few years – that made me want to take the risk to do something different.

So I did. I stopped her from doing what she was doing, and said gently, “You know, this just isn’t working for me. I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s you, or if it’s us. But maybe we can learn something here.”

And so instead of writhing and moaning in fake pleasure, I lay naked in Michelle’s arms, and we talked, really talked.

I learned a lot about her that night – not only from what she said, but from how she listened to me. I still felt a little sad that sex hadn’t worked, but the opportunity to grow together felt even more important to me – and I was overjoyed when she told me she felt the same way.

And somewhere in those hours of conversation, something happened – though I didn’t realize it until the next day, when she was sitting at my kitchen table, and I went to embrace her. And – what?! Something moved. Something opened between us, like a bolt of lightning.

Whoa – what was that?

The sexual energy we hadn’t been able to tap into the night before was suddenly fully alive and crackling between us!

Since that day, nearly eight years ago now, we have accessed that electricity many times, and had many joyful, powerful, amazing times in bed. And yet there have also been numerous times when we couldn’t get there – and one or both of us had to say, “You know, I’m just not feeling it right now.”

Some of that has to do with the fact that we are both sexual abuse survivors. I responded to that by learning to perform; Michelle learned to “leave her body,” and also to steer away from the power of her own desire for fear it would lead her to become an abuser, too.

Fortunately, we have gotten some amazing help from our somatic sex coach, Pavini Moray. And our deep love for each other, plus our commitment to working through our triggers, has helped too.

What would have happened if I had kept on “faking it,” rather than opening up and steering us both toward that deeper conversation? I can’t know for sure, but I am almost positive we wouldn’t be where we are today, in a joyful, deeply connected, truly intimate – and yes, hot! – partnership with the love of my life.

Scared to get this honest? We can help. We founded Conscious Girlfriend to assist lesbians and queer women in finding, creating and sustaining the relationship of your dreams – and that definitely means in the bedroom, as well as outside it! We’d love to coach you in your process of finding, creating and sustaining the love you want.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Lesbian Dating & Relationship's Blog Named in’s Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs

Lesbian Dating & Relationship's Blog is thrilled to announce that we have been named on the list of’s Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs and Online Destinations. list highlights the most influential and engaging bloggers who broadcast topics associated with sex, dating, relationships, and love. This list is part of's ongoing effort to emphasize the importance of healthy relationships and sexual practices.

"The internet is the main source of information for most people these days, especially younger people. This list is our way of pointing people in the direction of information that's both valuable and fun," said Fiyyaz Pirani, founder and CEO of

The Top 100 Sex, Lust, and Love Blogs& Online Destinations list connects readers with blogs featuring a wide variety of topics. Blogs were ranked based on a combination of factors that included the visual appeal, quality of content, and sense of community.

Well-known blogs are included on the list, as well as up-and-coming blogs from across the globe. Every blog that has been chosen gets the honor of displaying a beautiful Top 100 Blog Award badge on their site.

Social media buttons are integrated into the Top 100 list for each blog, which connects readers with their favorite blogs and bloggers with a single click. The top blogs will also be featured on the Facebook page. All 100 bloggers will receive $500 in gift cards that can be redeemed personally or used as part of a giveaway for their readers. "Recognizing and rewarding these incredible bloggers is our way of connecting with their audience to raise awareness about the importance of sexual health," Pirani said.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Awesome Pre-Holiday Sale on LELO at Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations is having an awesome pre-holiday sale on LELO.

OFFER: 20% off LELO + FREE ground shipping for orders over $50
EXPIRES:  10/21/13 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

October is LGBT History Month

LGBT History Month celebrates the achievements of 31 lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender Icons. Everyday in October, a new LGBT Icon is featured with a video, bio, bibliography, downloadable images and other resources.

The LGBT community is the only community worldwide that is not taught its history at home, in public schools or in religious institutions. LGBT History Month provides role models, builds community and makes the civil rights statement of our extraordinary national and international contributions.

For more information visit their website at

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

England & Whales Set to Legalize Gay Marriage

LONDON, July 16 (Reuters) - Gay marriage is to become legal in England and Wales after the lower house of the British parliament approved the final changes on Tuesday to a law that had Prime Minister David Cameron's backing but split his ruling Conservative party.

The law had the support of both Labor and the Liberal Democrats, Britain's two other main political parties, but damaged Cameron's standing within his own party with many of his own lawmakers criticizing him for being too liberal.

His own MPs had previously twice voted against it.

After a two-hour debate, the House of Commons passed the bill, meaning it now only needs to be approved by Queen Elizabeth, a formality.

"The title of this bill might be 'Marriage', but its fabric is about freedom and respect," said Culture Secretary Maria Miller, adding that traditionalists should not feel their concept of marriage had been undermined.

"Freedom to marry regardless of sexuality or gender, but also freedom to believe that marriage should be of one man and one woman, and not be marginalized," she said.

The prime minister personally endorsed the bill to try to show his party was progressive, but that upset some Conservatives who said their Christian beliefs led them to oppose marriage other than between a man and a woman.

Gay couples may already obtain "civil partnerships", conferring the same legal rights as marriage, but campaigners say the distinction gives the impression that society considers gay relationships inferior. (Reporting by William James; Editing by Andrew Osborn and Robin Pomeroy)

Monday, July 1, 2013

BUTCH Voices Seeking Street Team Volunteers in San Francisco Bay Area

Opportunities available with BUTCH Voices: 2013 Street Teams!

Oakland, CA: BUTCH Voices, the organization which will host its third national conference August 15-18, 2013, in Oakland, California, has opportunities for volunteers to distribute flyers throughout the San Francisco Bay Area in July.

Volunteers for BUTCH Voices can volunteer in exchange for comped days at the conference and Street Team members can rack up volunteer time before the conference even starts. For four hours of volunteer time, they will give you a one-day ticket to the conference; for eight hours, two days.

It’s a great way to give support and a helping hand to the organization and for anyone who may need a little financial assistance to attend the conference.

BUTCH Voices Street Teams are being formed in Dallas, Seattle, Portland, Toronto, Boston, New York, San Francisco, and Oakland.

People interested in participating in Street Teams should contact the Volunteer Coordinators at Postcard-sized flyers will be provided to you by mail and you must have them distributed by the beginning of August.
BUTCH Voices expects more than 300 attendees for the conference. More information can be found at Further inquiries can be sent to Sinclair Sexsmith, Media Board Chair, at

Contact: Sinclair Sexsmith
Media representative, BUTCH Voices
+1 (917) 475-6316

Friday, June 21, 2013

Expected Suprememe Court Ruling on Prop. 8 and DOMA Next Week

The Supreme Court is expected to rule on Prop. 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) by the end of their term next week.

Prop 8 bans same-sex marriage in California; it was approved by voters in 2008 by 52 percent of the vote. It was struck down by a federal judge and if the Supreme Court upholds that decision, same-sex marriage could begin again in California. Justices could also use the case to legalize same-sex marriage across the country.

The High Court could also issue a ruling on the federal Defense of Marriage Act. It's a federal law that defines marriage as being only between a man and a woman. The law prevents married gay couples from receiving a number of federal benefits.


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