How to Turn Suffering into Joy

By Judy Kinney, Lesbian Life Coach

I have said it a zillion times- joy is our natural state of being. Still, I understand that joy can seem illusive or disrespectful at times. Recently, people have asked me,

How can I be happy when there is so much suffering happening in my own life and in the world?

How do I create my own life, be sensitive to those around me, AND help create this world of ours?

Central to this question is our ability to be sovereign beings in relationship with others. I believe that joy may be our conduit to developing this essential skill. Feeling good is a very personal experience, yet I believe it may be impossible to feel joy and feel isolated from life and all its glory.

Feel joy and be connected or be connected, and feel joy.

This idea may be easy enough to understand, but now, let's reconnect to this issue of suffering and distress.

First, let me say that I believe that it is our reaction to the event, not the event itself that creates our suffering. I sometimes struggle with this belief, but it still guides me.

You may have seen this for yourself when two people experience the same event and have completely different reactions. I am seeing this a lot these days. Some people lose their job and are happy, others are miserable. I have read that some people in Japan are experiencing an increased sense of connection, community and power since the recent tsunami. I am sure that you have read of people facing incurable diseases who are happier than they have ever been in their life.

Still, while suffering is a part of our common human experience, it never feels good. You know as well as I do-feeling bad because someone else feels bad only creates more bad feelings. Within each of us there is the desire to connect and be apart of something bigger than our self AND a fundamental desire to feel good.

A lot of people are feeling lost in a chasm between joy and distress these days. Intellectually, joy may sound good, but how do any of us make a discernible difference?

I have developed a practice called iJoin, that helps people turn sorrow into joy. This practice helps heal the sorrow and the distress you are experiencing or perceiving in the world.

iJoin is an adaptation of the Buddhist idea of sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy, or mudita, is joy in the fundamental goodness of all beings, especially the pleasure that comes from delighting in rather than begrudging others’ well being

There are a couple ways to work with the practice of iJoin. You can use iJoin when you want relief from your own despair, frustration, or hopelessness. You can also use this practice as a form of prayer for others who are suffering.

How it works.

1. Identify the related joy
2. Join or align with the joy.

For example, rather than ranting, feeling powerless or ignoring the US entering into yet another war, I find the joy that I am seeking-peace. Rather than praying for others to change, I say this statement of prayer before going to bed or as I come across war-related news.

I join with ALL those who are committed to peace.

This statement aligns my energy with the millions of people who also value peace. Note that I am not engaging in a conversation about the right or wrong way to obtain peace. Instead, I am tapping into and feeding a common human desire for peace. As I express my iJoin statement, I feel connected to MILLIONS of people. I am directing my energy to expand peace in my life and in the world.

When I get nervous about my coaching business, I say,
I join with ALL those who are thriving while courageously creating their life.

And suddenly I feel a surge of confidence. As I think about other people's suffering, I also imagine their joy.

For my friend who has a lot of job worry and despair, I say,
I join with Sara in her desire to have a vibrant, welcoming, and well-paying job this year.

For those living in Japan, I say,
I join with ALL those who are creating an ever more vibrant Japan.

For those who are afraid of change and take it out on others, I say,
I join with all those who find their powerful heart even in the midst of fear.

iJoin is a form of prayer, but instead of fixing something or feeling hopeless, you tap into the goodness, joy, and power that already exists in your heart and in each of us.

I will be exploring this topic further on my Facebook page. Stop by with questions and let me know what you're experiencing through your iJoin practice.

Friends and Lovers

by Larry James, personal relationship coach.

I am learning to see my love partner without distortion; to value her as highly as I value myself; to give without expecting anything in return; to commit myself fully to her welfare. Only then can love move freely between us without apparent effort. It’s unconditional love between best friends.

When we are able to love in this selfless manner, we experience a release of energy. We cease to be consumed by the details of our relationship, or the need to operate within the artificial structure of exercises; we spontaneously treat each other with love and respect. Love becomes automatic.

My forever lover is my very best friend!

I believe that friendship among lovers is essential to unconditional love and is the primary ingredient for a deep and lasting love relationship. I trust her with the deepest murmurings of my soul. She knows the best and the worst of me and yet loves me through and through -- a friend as well as a lover.

In order to experience the kind of relationship I want, I accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, my love partner and I must have clearly developed channels of communication. I cultivate transparency of myself by being a master in the art of self-disclosure. I know that when the inclination to reveal myself to the one I love is blocked, I close myself to her and experience emotional difficulties. I promise to never hide behind a facade.

I will forever practice telling my love partner exactly what pleases me, decreasing her reliance on mental telepathy. I express preferences instead of demands. I believe that I can never know myself except as an outcome of disclosing myself to her.

In ways I may not fully understand, self-disclosure helps me to see things, feel things, imagine things, hope for things that I could never have thought possible. The invitation to transparency, then, is really an invitation to authenticity. It is also an invitation to allow myself to be vulnerable.

When I allow my love partner to see me for who I really am right now, I am less afraid I will be rejected in the future. When my love partner accepts and loves me unconditionally, I know I will never have to hide in the relationship in the future.

To have inner peace it is necessary to be consistently loving in what I think, in what I say and in what I do. I think thoughts of love. I speak words of love. I demonstrate unconditional love for my love partner in all that I do.

Openness means being willing to communicate my deepest feelings. There can be no intimacy without conversation. The only way my love partner and I can truly communicate is to tell the truth. Truthful communication moves love partners and creates a condition of unity, love and satisfaction.

For intimacy to grow in a healthy love relationship there can be no withholding; feelings - both positive and negative - must be shared equally between love partners. The act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie.

The energy required for the self-discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for withholding. My love partner and I are dedicated to the truth and live in the open, and through the exercise of our courage to live in the open, we become free from fear. Fear cannot exist whenever insight is valued above feeling frightened.

I listen when my lover shares without making judgment. My heart is always open to hear what my love partner has to say.

Someone said that it is possible to be together so much that we suffocate each other. Perhaps. I do not allow this to happen in my love relationship. I believe that love includes letting go when my partner needs freedom; holding her close when she needs care. I am committed to creating space in my relationship when needed.

At the heart of love, there is a simple secret: the lover lets the beloved be free. My love partner and I require different mixes of independence and mutuality, and the mix is freely discussed and renegotiated from time to time when necessary.

When two people in a love relationship are complete within themselves they do not experience the love they have for others as diminishing, detracting, or threatening to the love they share. They are secure within the relationship.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within your rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person you may fear losing.

It is an irony that the more possessive I am, the more love I demand, the less I receive; while the more freedom I give, the less I demand, the more love I receive. I take great pleasure in watching my love partner be fully free and fully alive!

We encourage each other to widen our circle of friends. We each seek to ever expand our horizons. We enjoy celebrating life together and with friends!

I know that if I expect to be the only person who matters to my love partner I am setting myself up for disappointment. As wonderful as true love can be, no one person can meet all your needs. My love partner is, and will always be my very best friend, and she is not my only friend.

I fully expect my love partner to have other passionate interests other than me. To extend the freedom to develop her own interests in other people and hobbies can only empower our relationship. Freedom can never confine. It can never be detrimental to the relationship. It can only open up many exciting and previously undiscovered opportunities to enjoy life.

When my lover is pursuing areas in which she excels, she is happy. I enjoy her most when she is happy. People are easier to love when they are happy.

Trust is forever present in our love relationship; trust and deep commitment to each other, and loyalty and devotion. This allows us the freedom to care about people of the opposite sex and to enjoy friendships with them, and when we sit down together in the evening to share the events of the day, we do not have to ask if our love partner has been faithful.

The stronger and more secure we become, the more we are willing to be ourselves while encouraging our love partner to do the same.

Genuine unconditional love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The ultimate goal remains the spiritual growth of my love partner, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.

I believe that no matter how committed my forever love relationship, I will always be "single" as well as a part of a couple. Unconditional love is a special, intense connection, and it is not an answer to all or even most individual problems. No one can make me happy but me.

Permission Granted!

by Judy Kinney

I was mad and sad Wednesday when California’s Prop 8 passed. I was resolved that the other propositions would pass, but I was counting on Californians to be smarter, dammit! After a few minutes of sliding into despair, I stopped. I realized that wanting someone else to sanction me and my love was a slippery slope. I know that this yearning is a danger zone, and is completely unnatural. Of course, the ability to create the life, love, and family we desire is the most basic right available to each of us!!

Do we need a law to make this true? No! It is just true. Since acting on your love is THAT true, THAT basic, you’re completely free to create your life. Remember that the universal law of attraction wants you to flourish, but ensures that whatever you focus on expands.

What do you want? What are your core desires?

• Love?
  
• Health?
  
• Prosperity?
  
• Understanding?
  
• Community?
  
• Happiness?
  
• Freedom?

Each of these desires is naturally and readily available to you as you turn your attention in that direction and claim it. Consider that there are at least a zillion ways to create your life, love, and family.

Think about it. You are completely free to create your life and love. What’s your pleasure? I revel in knowing that society’s natural progressive movement is advanced each and every time you act on what feels good to you.

Personally, my life is far too enjoyable to seek, or wait for permission, sanction or understanding from others (especially people that I don’t even know!). Can I confess that I can’t identify a single part of my life that would be better if I could legally marry my sweetie?

AND, I hope you always feel completely free to create and enjoy your life as you desire!!

Thank you! The world is a much better place because you’re here! Enjoy it all!

Judy Kinney is a Law of Attraction Coach for lesbian, bi and queer women seeking love & life like they know it can be. You can also find her at www.dreamandflourish.com

Emotional Pain

By Robert E. Najemy is the author of over 25 books and is a life coach with 30 years of experience.

We feel emotional pain when we do not get what we want, need, or expect. We might feel hurt, rejection, bitterness, abuse, injustice or simply emotional pain.

In such cases, we have not received the behavior or outcomes we expected or believed we deserved.

We feel this kind of feel pain in cases when people do not behave to us in the ways that we had expected as well as in situations where life does not give us what we feel we need or deserve.

We believe, "I cannot feel happy unless I get that which I believe I need."

We have associated our security, satisfaction, self-worth or freedom with something that we are not getting from persons, society, God, or life as a whole.

Some examples might be when:

• Others lie to or deceive us.
• They do not support us when we need them.
• They reject or criticize us.
• We fail at some task, which we feel that we should have succeeded at.
• We loose a loved one.
• Our loved one shows preference to another.
• People important to us do not show us the respect we expect.
• Others do harm to us or our loved ones.
• We are accused of doing or saying something we did not do.
• When are falsely suspected of having ulterior motives.
• "Friends" gossip about us behind our backs.
• We are not given the raise of promotion we believe we deserve at work.
• Others do not keep their agreements with us.
• We are robbed.
• We lose our fortune in some way.

You can add many more situations in which we feel hurt because we have not received the respect, love, affection, loyalty, truth, kindness and justice that we were expecting.

Positive Alternatives to Feeling Hurt
Positive alternatives to feeling hurt, bitterness and injustice could be:

We can have Faith in divine wisdom and justice.
We are all in a process of evolution and nothing can happen to us, which is not exactly what we need in order to learn our next lesson. So rather than be overwhelmed by negative feelings, we can seek to discover what we can learn through this experience.

Our lessons usually have to do with discovering the strength, security and self-worth, which are within us. As souls in the process of evolution, we are constantly being directed to contact and bring to the surface our spiritual self.

This means realizing that we are whole within and can feel safe, worthy and fulfilled regardless of what is happening around us.

Thus, every event which might cause us to feel pain is also a great opportunity to contact our inner spiritual self and move on and beyond this pain.

We are the sole creators of our reality.
We as souls create our reality through:

• Our past choices, thoughts, words and actions.
• Our present conscious and subconscious beliefs, feelings and needs.
• The lessons we have chosen to learn at this stage of our evolutionary process.
• How we subjectively interpret what is happening.

Thus others are simply actors in the scenarios of our life the script of which we have written.
We can create a happier reality by:

• Transforming our conscious and subconscious beliefs.
• Learning our life lessons.
• Interpreting events in a different way - as opportunities for growth rather than as injustices.

Forgiving and forgetting the past.
In light of what we have said above, others are not responsible for our reality and thus can easily be forgive. Such forgiveness frees us from negative feelings and allows us to transcend pain.

Thus we can overcome emotional pain by:

• Realizing that every event is exactly what we need for our evolutionary process.
• Learn the lessons involved.
• Forgive others and ourselves.