Reneging on a right: ENDORSEMENTS 2008: By banning same-sex marriages, Prop. 8 would create second-class citizens.

This article came from the Los Angeles Times Opinion Section on 08/08/2008.

It's the same sentence as in 2000: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Yet the issue that will be put before voters Nov. 4 is radically different. This time, the wording would be used to rescind an existing constitutional right to marry. We fervently hope that voters, whatever their personal or religious convictions, will shudder at such a step and vote no on Proposition 8.

The state of same-sex marriage shifted in May, when the California Supreme Court overturned Proposition 22, the ban on gay marriage that voters approved eight years ago, and ruled that marriage was a fundamental right under the state Constitution. As such, it could not be denied to a protected group -- in this case, gay and lesbian couples.

What voters must consider about Proposition 8 is that, unlike Proposition 22, this is no longer about refining existing California law. In the wake of the court's ruling, the only way to deny marriage to gay and lesbian couples is by revising constitutional rights themselves. Proposition 8 seeks to embed wording in the Constitution that would eliminate the fundamental right to same-sex marriage.

It's a rare and drastic step, invoking the constitutional-amendment process to strip people of rights. Yet in California, it can be done with a simple majority vote. All the more reason for voters to weigh carefully what would be wrought by this measure.

Supporters of Proposition 8 insist that the measure is in no way intended to diminish the rights of gays and lesbians, but instead means to encourage ideal households for the raising of children and to put a stop to activist judges. Besides, they say, domestic partnerships provide all the same rights as marriage.

In a meeting with The Times' editorial board, supporters argued at length that children are best off when raised by their own biological, married mothers and fathers. Even if that were true -- and there is much room for dispute -- this measure in no way moves society closer to such a traditional picture. Gay and lesbian couples already are raising their own children and will continue to do so, as will single parents and adoptive and blended families. Using the supporters'own reasoning, it would be better for same-sex parents to marry.

Proposition 8 supporters are right that domestic partnerships come exceedingly close to guaranteeing the same rights as marriage, as the state's high court recognized. Still, there are differences. Some are statutory -- domestic partners must share a residence, while married couples can live separately -- and others are pragmatic -- studies have found that domestic partners do not receive the same treatment or recognition from hospital staff, employers and the public as spouses do.

But it was Ronald M. George, chief justice of the California Supreme Court, who cut through to the essence of the issue in the May 15 opinion he wrote: "[A]ffording same-sex couples only a separate and differently named family relationship will, as a realistic matter, impose appreciable harm on same-sex couples and their children, because denying such couples access to the familiar and highly favored designation of marriage is likely to cast doubt on whether the official family relationship of same-sex couples enjoys dignity equal to that of opposite-sex couples."

In other words, the very act of denying gay and lesbian couples the right to marry -- traditionally the highest legal and societal recognition of a loving commitment -- by definition relegates them and their relationships to second-class status, separate and not all that equal.

To be sure, the court overturned Proposition 22, a vote of the people. That is the court's duty when a law is unconstitutional, even if it is exceedingly popular. Civil rights are commonly hard-won, and not the result of widespread consensus. Whites in the South vehemently rejected the 1954 Supreme Court decision to desegregate schools. For that matter, Californians have accused the state Supreme Court of obstructing the people's will on marriage before -- in 1948, when it struck down a ban on interracial marriages.

Fundamental rights are exactly that. They should neither wait for popular acceptance, nor be revoked because it is lacking.

How to be a Great Lesbian Lover

By Felice Newman, Somantic Coach & Sex Educator

How do you cultivate a quality of touch that makes your partner feel like you're really seeing them? No one wants to be thought of as merely going through the motions. Nor does anyone want to be seen as a "slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am" hit-and-run driver. Whether you are touching your partner with your hands, your mouth, or a sex toy, what are the qualities that will have your partner feel that they have been touched by your spirit as well?

The first quality is presence. Presence is the physical embodiment of your you-ness. It's that quality that lets someone feel your aliveness in a room before they can see or hear you. Your presence can be felt by others as open, curious, listening, playful, sparkling, seductive, outpouring with love, or full-bodied with deep resonances. It can also be felt as laser-like in single-minded focus, scattered, shut down, collapsed, angry, untouchable, defensive or intractable. To some degree, you can shape your presence by your intention. You can pause before a first kiss, touch, or entry: Who do you want to be in this moment? What quality of your you-ness do you want your partner to be met with?

Next is the quality of extension. Extension is sending our presence outward. We are great energy transmitters, continuously beaming our selves into the world. Some of us have a quiet presence that's felt as a gentle stirring in the air. Others of us are said to have a "big" presence that's felt as a great gust of wind enlivening the atmosphere.

Extension is how you transmit your intentions. You can extend your presence so that your partner "feels" your touch powerfully—regardless of how gently you may press, squeeze, caress, or thrust. Imagine your sexual energy as a force moving through you, one you can direct. Imagine your finger or your penis as a hose through which energy flows. Now imagine directing that energy, and specifically, directly the quality of that energy. Do you want to produce a gentle healing presence? Do you want your energy to hit hard? Are you wanting to create new sensations or intensify sensations that are already there? You can extend vigorously without overreaching or overwhelming your partner. You can cultivate extension by consciously observing how others respond to your presence.

Next comes receptivity. Remember when popular sex guides referred to the "active partner" and the "passive partner"? That tired notion was laid to rest by the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex more than a dozen years ago. Receptivity is anything but passive. Receptivity is an energetic quality—it isn't necessarily about who's doing what to whom.

In fact, you even can be receptive while you are touching your partner. How? Well, you can open to your partner, listening for her responses, which will speak to you through pulsations, changes in temperature, muscular contractions, and release of bodily fluids.

In receptivity, you practice being with yourself while being with another, which is the basis of intimacy. When you are receiving touch, you can meet your partner's presence with your own. Imagine locating your "self" just under your partner's touch, in the soft folds of your labia and clitoris, in the cool expanse of skin on your buttocks. Energetically, you can reach out toward that touch, just as you physically reach out by moving toward the source of pleasure. There is an element of extension in receptivity. You can cultivate receptivity by being open and inviting of the pleasures of the senses.

Suzanne Westenhoefer ENGAGED!

So I just heard the good news: Suzanne Westenhoefer is officially ENGAGED. She will marry her longtime partner Jennifer Houston on September 6 in Hollywood. Congratulations to the both of them!

Bitch Slap

A friend of my got me hooked on grindhouse movies, so when I saw the trailer for the upcoming film Bitch Slap, I thought to myself, this must be a lesbian movie buff's wet dream. We're talking chick fights, fast cars, girls kissing, tons of cleavage and big guns, what more could you ask for?

Okay, I realize that this could considered a bit objectifying to women, and maybe sexist and perhaps even a little violent...but hey, what else would you expect from a post-modern day take on the "B" movie exploitation films of the 50's -70's? I mean this film was inspired by the likes of "Dragstrip Girls", "Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!" and Kung Fu Nun.

So here's the deal, the story follows three bad girls (a down-and-out stripper, a drug-running killer and a corporate power broker) as they arrive at a remote desert hideaway to extort and steal $200 Million from a ruthless underworld kingpin. As things quickly get out of control, allegiances change, truths are revealed, more criminals arrive and the fate of the world hangs in the balance...

So if your offended by any of the above information, I would advise not watching the following trailer, for everyone else, make sure your boss is not around, turn up the volume, sit back, and enjoy. Oh, and one last thing, Bitch Slap will be out in theatres this Christmas...anyone want to join me for that premiere?

Lesbian bigamy battle unfolds

Not to put a damper on the whole same-sex marriage issue, but I saw this article today and thought it posed and interesting predicament...just a reminder that if  you are going to get married, it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

By Molly Walsh, Free Press Staff Writer

The two women married in Canada, obtained identical tattoos and picked out adjoining burial plots with the expectation that they would be together till death and beyond. Then one of them fell for someone else, and without getting a divorce, entered into a Vermont civil union in Stowe with the new woman.

Now the woman who says she was left behind -- Laureen Wells-Weiss -- is alleging that her estranged spouse committed bigamy and that Vermont authorities are neglecting their duty by declining to press charges. She also contends that authorities would be more aggressive if the complaint were being made by a person in a heterosexual marriage.

"I am offended as a gay person and I am appalled as an American that somebody can commit a crime and not be held accountable and the people who are supposed to uphold that law are dismissing it," said Wells-Weiss, a college English teacher who lives in Binghamton, N.Y.

While she and her spouse wage a legal battle over their assets in New York, Wells-Weiss has been on a letter-writing campaign to Vermont officials urging them to pursue a case against her estranged spouse on bigamy or perjury charges and to void her civil union. She's had no luck, despite contacting numerous offices, including the Vermont Secretary of State, the Attorney General, and the state's attorney for Lamoille County, where the civil union was performed.

Joel Page, Lamoille County state's attorney, said he referred Wells-Weiss to the AG's office, the U.S. attorney and local police investigators. Without researching the matter, he couldn't say whether bigamy laws would apply to a married person entering into a civil union, but he expressed doubts.

"It's kind of hard to see how a civil union would be covered by the bigamy law, but I have not done extensive research on this," Page said.

Page disagreed with Wells-Weiss' contention that her complaint wasn't being taken seriously because she is gay.

"I don't get any sense that that's what's going on at all," he said. "I think the rather unique facts and the multistate and international aspects combined with the fact that it appears to be civil, not criminal, makes it not likely to attract the attention of those whose job it is to prosecute criminal matters."
How they met

The estranged spouse is Shari Weiss, a resident of Endicott, N.Y., according to court papers filed in New York earlier this year. She declined to comment for this story.

"I'm not interested in giving out information, sorry," Weiss said by telephone before hanging up. Her lawyer did not respond to a message left Thursday.

Laureen Wells-Weiss tells the story of their life together this way: The two women met through a mutual friend in Ithaca, N.Y., in the 1990s and soon decided to share their lives and last names. (Weiss stopped hyphenating after the split from Wells, who continues to use both surnames.)

Same-sex couples cannot legally marry in New York, so the women settled for a private ceremony before family and friends in 2001. Three years later, they decided to seek legal recognition of their union in one of the few places in North America that allowed same-sex marriage at the time -- Toronto. The two women were married there Aug. 13, 2004, public records show.

The relationship seemed solid. Shari worked at a nonprofit. Laureen teaches at the State University of New York at Cortland. The couple purchased a house in Binghamton, N.Y., chose adjoining burial plots and even had matching tattoos done, according to Wells-Weiss. She thought they would be together for life and everyone saw them as married, she said.

"It wasn't just that we considered ourselves married. All of our friends considered us married; our families considered us married."


One break-up, two unions

The breakup came just after Christmas 2006. Weiss announced she wanted out and within days was celebrating New Year's with another woman, Wells-Weiss says. She learned in 2007 that Weiss had entered into a civil union with her new love without first obtaining a divorce.

Stowe public records verify that Shari Weiss and Randi Wilbur entered into a civil union June 23, 2007.

For a valid civil union to be established in Vermont, neither person can be party to another civil union or a marriage, according to Vermont statutes. Wells-Weiss contends that her estranged spouse's actions are illegal and an affront to anyone who worked for gay rights and equal treatment of same-sex couples under the law.

Legal authorities in Vermont have not been willing to pursue the case. Bigamy prosecutions are rare in Vermont and it's unclear whether the Weiss case would constitute one. Vermont's bigamy statute refers to a "a person having a husband or wife living who marries another person."

Since the statute refers to a new marriage and not a civil union, it's unclear whether a civil union would trigger a bigamy charge, Page said. "You're getting into some novel legal issues with basically some real gray areas."

Wells-Weiss is seeking a legal divorce from Weiss in New York. Although same-sex couples cannot legally marry in that state, a recent court ruling prompted the governor to order state officials to treat same-sex unions legally performed in other jurisdictions as legal in New York.

Laws regarding same-sex unions are a muddle that changes with every new court ruling and legislative action. Same-sex-marriage is legal in Canada, while in the U.S., same-sex couples can legally marry in Massachusetts and in California only. States vary in the way they treat same-sex marriages performed elsewhere.

Vermont in 2000 began allowing civil unions, an arrangement that entitles same-sex couples to the same legal benefits as married couples. Activists are seeking full marriage rights in Vermont.

Wells-Weiss admits that she is pursuing bigamy charges against Weiss partly to strengthen her legal case in New York as the two battle over their house and debts. "My impression is, if she were charged with felonies it certainly would be illustrative of her character, her disregard for the law. So, yes, I think being charged with these crimes would definitely assist my case."

Beyond that, there's an important principle at stake, she said: Nobody should be allowed to be married to two people at the same time.

Page, however, said the case is not clear-cut. "The sense I get from (Wells-Weiss) is that everybody's passing the buck to somebody else, which is always a frustrating thing," Page said. "But part of it is the situation, perhaps, by its nature, doesn't lend itself cleanly or clearly to criminal investigation or prosecution and if so, which jurisdiction -- Canada, Vermont, New York?"

Same-sex marriage advocate and Vermont private attorney Beth Robinson of Langrock Sperry & Wool isn't surprised prosecutors aren't pursuing charges. She was unfamiliar with the case but after hearing the outline offered this opinion.

"In my view it is bigamy, but I would also say in my view given the state of flux and lack of clarity in the laws right now, it would be a bad idea to prosecute it criminally," Robinson said. Criminal laws are designed to punish people for knowingly engaging in criminal activity, she said. It's possible that Weiss did not believe her Canadian marriage was valid in Vermont, or even know where to seek a divorce -- the U.S. or Canada.

"People have a range of understandings about these things, and until we have court decisions, nobody's right and nobody's wrong," Robinson said.

Contaminating a Relationship

Another interesting relationship article from Dr. Phil.

Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an insidious way.

Below are the most common characteristics of what Dr. Phil calls "bad spirits," and how they can impact a relationship.

You're a Scorekeeper
Competing can quickly turn a relationship into an ugly battle of one-upmanship. How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the person you supposedly love a loser? Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control. Competitiveness can drain the joy, confidence and productivity out of any relationship.

You're a Faultfinder
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant faultfinding -- in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner's back and you may see your partner moving toward you.

You Think It's Your Way or the Highway
If you've always got to be right, then you're ready to fight till the end. No truer words were ever spoken, says Dr. Phil; you will fight to the end...the end of your relationship. You can't be self-righteous or obsessed with control and do what's best for the relationship at the same time.

You Turn Into an Attack Dog
When you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While it's easy to fall into viciousness, it's much harder to repair the resulting consequences.

You are a Passive Warmonger
Instead of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they deny they are doing -- in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face person you could imagine -- only they do it insidiously and underhandedly.

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors
Because you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one thing when you're really upset about another. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will eventually burst forth in a torrid way.

You Will Not Forgive
When you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and agony -- and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving.

You Are the Bottomless Pit
Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up." We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.

You're Too Comfortable
If you're in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities in the relationship. You aren't contributing, you aren't stimulating, and you aren't energizing. If you don't make a move, it becomes easier and easier to stagnate.

You've Given Up
When so many bad spirits crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical and far from your core of consciousness that you believe you are trapped. Be strong enough to confront your problems instead of giving up.

Gay-nuptial market drives auto-club offer

Article written by Hannah Clay Wareham, The Advocate

A nationwide auto organization, The Better World Club, is offering free one-year memberships to same-sex couples who officially tie the knot between now and Sept. 20. The Portland, Ore., company is also honoring proof of domestic partnerships or civil unions for same-sex couples who are unable to marry in California or Massachusetts.

Mitch Rofsky, president of the Better World Club, told The Advocate that the company was trying to correct an oversight in the auto-club industry.

"We feel that the industry discriminated against gays by not recognizing them for spouse discounts," he said Thursday.

By faxing a copy of their marriage license or civil-union or domestic-partnership paperwork to the company, same-sex couples are eligible for all that the membership has to offer, including vehicle roadside assistance, lockout services and even bicycle assistance for a year. Basic service, including towing within five miles, usually costs $53.95 annually for one person and $20 more for a household.

The membership comes free of carbon-footprint guilt: One percent of the Better World Club's gross revenue goes to several different environmental cleanup and advocacy organizations each year, including the Sierra Club and carbon offset efforts, Rofsky said.

"We're a greener, and, we like to think, cooler, alternative to AAA and other auto clubs," Rofsky said.

While the company's new offer has made a few waves within their organization -- it's lost two members since beginning the free-membership offer early this summer -- Rofsky says the feedback has been positive overall.