Romantic Jealousy is Scary!

By Larry James, Relationship Coach & Author

Jealously. . . it feeds on your insecurity, devours your self-confidence, and gobbles up the trust in your relationship.

Jealousy has been defined as an emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that she or he wants (typically attention, love, or affection) to a third party.

Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the resentfully suspicious nature of man. It is a universal emotional trauma caused by things as well as people. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat - real or imagined - to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy has a mind of its own and it is strong enough to make us believe and see things that are not even there or that have not happened yet.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

While some couples seem to feed off of inciting a playful type of jealousy, many other relationships are laid to waste by uncontrollable and irrational fits of jealous rage.

In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. But when jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Jealousy is almost always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. Unless an unfaithful partner has broken trust, about 90% of jealousy comes from from personal insecurity. When you are feeling unloved, be careful not to focus on your partner when the feelings are really inside you. Jealousy provides an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of yourself. You may be being driven by your fears.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

To keep yourself on the right track of jealousy conquering, just remember these steps:

Acknowledge your jealousy. Ask yourself where it is coming from and why it makes you feel jealous. I suggest asking yourself, "What do I feel insecure about? Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?"

Make self-health and lifestyle changes that will assist you in fighting it off. Combine jealousy with a more rational emotion. Have patience and practice!

As long as you keep those steps in mind and follow them, you will learn how to take control of your jealousy instead of it controlling you.

Emma Goldman once said, "All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open. When love can go and come without fear of meeting a watch-dog, jealousy will rarely take root because it will soon learn that where there are no locks and keys, there is no place for suspicion and distrust, two elements upon which jealousy thrives and prospers."

Resolving Conflict

by Larry James relationship coach and author.

Conflict is inevitable. How we handle it is what makes the difference. When the structure of a love relationship breaks down, while fault may not necessarily be evenly distributed, both partners must ultimately accept equal responsibility. You are in this together.

It takes two for a healthy love relationship to work and it takes two to perpetuate an unhealthy love relationship. Seek not to place blame. What difference will that make? You both know the truth about what happened. Who cares whose fault it is? If you love each other, focus on solving the problem! What happened, happened. That's all! It's not healthy to make things up about why something happened or who did what to whom. Again. . . who cares?

The goal of resolving conflict in a relationship is not victory or defeat. It is reaching a mutual understanding that benefits both love partners. Resolving conflict brings love partners closer together. It allows for negotiation and compromise.

Specific conversations, designed to "talk things out" will assist you on your path of self-discovery and they are a useful tool for resolving conflict. It brings about a higher awareness of your love partner's wants and needs.

Constructive conversations help to avoid repeating the patterns of behavior that incite the controversy that problems create in the first place. It takes two, working together to explore workable solutions that ease the tension that occurs when problems arise in a relationship.

A determination to resolve conflict by conversation offers a chance for healing and promotes the opportunity to become closer to the one you love.

Men and women are different, or have you noticed? Cherish the differences. Learn to accept and be with or accept the things you cannot change about each other.

Acceptance tills the soil that allows for individuality to grow.