Romantic Jealousy is Scary!

By Larry James, Relationship Coach & Author

Jealously. . . it feeds on your insecurity, devours your self-confidence, and gobbles up the trust in your relationship.

Jealousy has been defined as an emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that she or he wants (typically attention, love, or affection) to a third party.

Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the resentfully suspicious nature of man. It is a universal emotional trauma caused by things as well as people. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat - real or imagined - to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy has a mind of its own and it is strong enough to make us believe and see things that are not even there or that have not happened yet.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

While some couples seem to feed off of inciting a playful type of jealousy, many other relationships are laid to waste by uncontrollable and irrational fits of jealous rage.

In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. But when jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Jealousy is almost always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. Unless an unfaithful partner has broken trust, about 90% of jealousy comes from from personal insecurity. When you are feeling unloved, be careful not to focus on your partner when the feelings are really inside you. Jealousy provides an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of yourself. You may be being driven by your fears.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

To keep yourself on the right track of jealousy conquering, just remember these steps:

Acknowledge your jealousy. Ask yourself where it is coming from and why it makes you feel jealous. I suggest asking yourself, "What do I feel insecure about? Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?"

Make self-health and lifestyle changes that will assist you in fighting it off. Combine jealousy with a more rational emotion. Have patience and practice!

As long as you keep those steps in mind and follow them, you will learn how to take control of your jealousy instead of it controlling you.

Emma Goldman once said, "All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open. When love can go and come without fear of meeting a watch-dog, jealousy will rarely take root because it will soon learn that where there are no locks and keys, there is no place for suspicion and distrust, two elements upon which jealousy thrives and prospers."

Monogamy: Is She My One and Only? Secrets to Compatibility in Lesbian Relationships

By Susan Adams, Founder of Lavender Liaisons

After decades of matchmaking experience, and years of living and loving within Our Community, I have found the secrets to successful, functional, monogamous lesbian relationships.

Begin by stating your honest relationship intentions. If you truly crave a monogamous relationship, then say so, and let your actions reflect your desires. It's duplicitous and hurtful to say you want monogamy and then date a different woman nightly, or spend your weekends in a singles bar. If you desire diversity in dating, state that as well. Be honest about your intentions regarding yourself and your partner.

Resist the sex dance until further exploration! Discover each other slowly and determine your compatibility, before getting swept away by sensuality. The more cautious your approach, the better your chances of a successful, long-term, monogamous relationship.

Develop exceptional communication and negotiation skills. A relationship is all about enjoyable compromise. Learn to ask for what you want! As women, so many of us get stuck 'giving and hoping' and don't relax and receive love. Others become self-consumed and believe that as long as their needs are being met, then all is fine with their partners—which is not typically the case. Learn to ask the right questions to determine that your partner is getting her needs met too. Compromise and communicate.

Outline your deal breakers from the beginning and discuss them. The most common are: drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, jealousy, trust issues, and controlling behavior which is also a by-product of trust issues. Determine your own list of deal breakers. What do you absolutely need in a relationship and what will you not tolerate? Make your list, discuss it and stick to it.

Let go of your painful past. Don't carry your war wounds into your new relationship. We all have baggage, everyone does, if you say you don't, then you haven't lived. Dragging yesterday's pain into today's relationship could be toxic. Give your new relationship a chance! Don't sabotage it before it blossoms.

Overcome jealousy and insecurity. Jealousy is a by-product of insecurity. Some of us are more secure than others. If your new partner is insecure then take the time to discuss this and reassure her. Jealousy will poison any healthy relationship. It tells your partner "You don't trust me." How can you build a relationship without mutual trust?

Another important factor in lesbian compatibility is type alignment. How do you define yourself? Are you a hardcore butch or butch-lite? Lipstick femme, sporty femme or androgynous? Or do you prefer not to be typed? Discover who you are, and who attracts you, and then align yourself with your compatible counterpart. Have that honest conversation at the beginning of the relationship and save months of struggle and ultimate heartache by trying to align incompatibilities.

With many lesbians, the initial approach is the most difficult. How do you approach someone attractive and risk rejection? Some of you are shy. For others, it's too uncomfortable—the fear of rejection is daunting and you don't try. Or you keep choosing the same type of woman—the type that is not healthy for the long term.

Once you are provided with an exciting introduction, or muster up the courage to introduce yourself, make the most of it!

Now that you know the secrets, utilize them! Ensure compatibility, state your honest intentions, resist the initial sex dance, communicate and compromise, don't tolerate jealousy, alcoholism or drug abuse. Leave your painful past behind, discover yourself and align with your most compatible companion. Then embrace her, enjoy her, love her and she'll adore and love you!

About the Author
Susan Adams, founder and CEO of Lavender Liaisons has 20 years of matchmaking experience. Having successfully arranged a host of marriages and hundreds of relationships, Susan's experience and personalized approach has made Lavender Liaisons the most flourishing lesbian matchmaking company in the San Francisco Bay Area.

She created it with the vision, and the goal, to reinvent the common practice of matchmaking, and cater it to the lesbian community. Her service is dedicated to women of courage, caliber, and commitment. Lavender Liaisons is a customized personalized service whose mission is to provide lesbians with a safe place to share their stories, be understood, celebrate each other and fall in love. www.lavenderliaisons.com