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Monday, October 27, 2008

Red Flag Warning for Lesbian Relationships

When dating or starting a new relationship, many lesbians tend to ignore certain behaviors in their new partner that may not bode so well for their future. Yet when things fall apart and they are in the middle of a bad breakup, many lesbians say they wish they had known about these behaviors/habits/issues before they had gotten involved. The reality is, even though some women are capable of hiding their true colors for extended periods of time, if you pay close attention to the signs, you can usually detect red flag warnings before you become too involved in a relationship.

Here are just a few red flags warning to keep an eye out for:

  1. Blames others for their problems - Women who won't take ownership for their own problems and tend to play the part of "the victim," will eventually start blaming you for all of their problems.
  2. Gets attached or falls in love too quickly. (U-haul syndrome) - Women who tend to quickly jump into a relationship may be looking for someone to save them from their problems. You may want to question their motives for rushing into a relationship. Are they in debt, unemployed or homeless and looking for a Sugar Momma? Are they depressed and looking for someone to make them happy? Are they looking for someone to help them forget about an ex?
  3. Big Flirt - Someone who overtly flirts with other women, even when you are together, and then insists it's harmless, is a Big Red Flag.
  4. They won’t make sacrifices - Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is normal to keep things balanced. If your partner is rarely willing to give in on anything, chances are, that will not change anytime soon.
  5. Does not want to help with simple chores - Women who pout or complain when you ask them to help you out with the smallest of tasks, like washing the dishes or taking out the trash, is likely to view you as their care-taker, rather than a partner. In the long run, you may end up resenting this person.
  6. Control Issues - Does your partner tell you whom you can and can’t talk or spend time with? Does she tell you what you can or cannot wear? Does she try to make you feel guilty about pursuing outside interests or spending time with your friends and family? Romantic partners are supposed to support each other not own each other.
  7. Trust issues - Whether it is a little white lie you caught her in, or something much bigger, it is hard to regain trust once it is lost. A partner who lies, misleads you or fails to communicate openly, is not someone capable of a healthy relationship, nor are they worthy of your affection.
  8. Relationship Longevity - Women who have not been in a long-term relationship for longer than a year or two will often have commitment issues and tend to continue this pattern of short-term relationships until they have dealt with their issues.
  9. Financial Status - Not that I believe having money is everything, but I do think it is important that the person you are dating is gainfully employed and can keep a job for an extended period of time. It will also be helpful if they are not in serious debt, how your partner handles their finances can really effect the future of your relationship.
  10. Living Situation - Last, but not least, if you meet a woman who is over 30 and still living with her parents, RUN! Of course there are always exceptions, perhaps you meet someone who is taking care of her aging parents, which is very honorable. But lets face it, in this day and age, that is rarely the case, so be sure to check out the details before getting involved.
So those are my top 10 red flag warning, although I am sure I could probably come up with another 50 or so...yikes! Please feel free to share your favorite red flag warnings, when dating, you can never really have enough warnings, can you???


Anonymous said...

I find it interesting that you posted something about red flags. One of the things that drew me to your blog and has kept me recommending it to others, was your Undefended Love articles.

I have since purchased the book and discovered that they are endorsed by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. I love how non judgmental their approach is. Seeing human beings as whole instead of flawed has been inspiring to me. While I agree that there can be warning signs, I now believe that people are probably playing out old wounds and shouldn't be written off because of that.

If a person is willing to look at what brought them to that place, perhaps it is an opportunity for growth instead of a reason to hit the eject button. Each relationship is an opportunity to heal and grow.

girl2grl said...

Yes, I have learned through Undefended Love that it is usually our own past experiences that have created our present issues and if we are willing to take a look at these things and work on them, we can heal. However, many people are in denial and have no interest in dealing with their issues. And although I believe everyone is capable of healing from their wounds, I also know that they cannot be forced, they must find that path on their own. So even though I do try to be compassionate about people's issues, if they aren't willing to take them on, I can't take them on either...I learned a long time ago the only person I can fix is me.

CupidsReviews Heidi said...

If you miss all of the other signs your gf making out with your friends at a party is probably a great reason to run the other way. hahahahasobsob!

HesslerStreet said...

Excellent List. The only thing that I'd like to mention involves your "Never been in a long term relationship" red flag. While it's important to be cautious, there are many reasons why a woman hasn't been in a long term relationship. Maybe they've come out late and just haven't had any luck meeting anyone. There's a lot of drama out there! Lesbians tend to hang on to their exes, there can be loads of drama and dysfunction and sometimes it just takes a long time to find the right person. Also, sometimes people might just be busy getting their life in order and taking care of themselves. So instead of balking as soon as you find out the other person hasn't been in a long term relationship, keep and open mind and get to know them first.


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